Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

So he gets a day to himself every week while you look after 4 year old every saturday alone.He then has 4.5 hrs free time every fortnight also,you share care hopefully evenings and sundays when he's not golfing.
When is your free time op?

As long as he could get an early tee time next Sunday it wouldn't have bothered me, especially given he's not been able to play for weeks for family reasons (not saying this is your fault it's just life) and has already said he won't play for the next few months once the baby arrives. He could've taken 4 year old off to do something on Saturday to give you some rest.
DH has a hobby I have absolutely no interest in, spends a lot of time reading/watching things about it when he's not doing it. He has also dropped that down to once a fortnight since having DS. Do I think it's a waste of time and money, probably, but it's important to him I'd not be happy if he tried to stop me doing something I wanted to. I can see how he might feel that him asking to go today immediately led to you cancelling next time, and how that might feel like someone else interfering. However he shouldn't have shouted/sulked and been petty this morning.

I think YABU about the golf tbh. It's half a day on a weekend. I get that you are home with DC and pregnant but for the same time he is at work-you are both entitled to some time at weekends. So he goes to golf, you get an afternoon to do what you want and you get one full family day together or whatever. That's fair.

However his reaction is over the top and childish.

Why can't you rest when he gets back from golfing next week? I don't understand why you don't want him to go?
Why do you need your husband there all day?

Surprised that people are suggesting that 5 hours a week at the driving range and 18 holes of golf every other week is life revolving around a child.

Short term adaptations to allow for Christmas and then a new born doesn't seem like too much to ask.

Are people intentionally ignoring the fact that he could go all day on his weekday day off? He could do his hobby every week no problem. He only wants Sundays to see his mates. Is his social life more important than his heavily pregnant wife?

"So he goes to golf, you get an afternoon to do what you want and you get one full family day together or whatever. That's fair.*"
*
But that isn't how it would work, Sunday is the only day a week where we all at home. If goes to golf and then I go out all afternoon we have zero days together as a family. What would be the point being a family? Most families get two full days together a week, we already have half of that. 2 out of 4 of these I lose another half of that actual day time where we could be doing things because he golfs for 4.5 hours. If I start taking half a day for myself on Sundays too then we barely see each other and that probably won't fare well for our marriage, will it?

He works on Saturdays. Sundays are the only day they have together and this heavily pregnant woman can get some help with childcare. So yes fucking off for half that day every week is not ideal.

If people don't want to be heavily pregnant and deal with existing young children, stick to one child or suck it up. It's part of having young kids.

Assuming the national average of 2 kids, being heavily pregnant with a young child lasts, what, 4-8 weeks out of a lifetime? You think it's unreasonable to expect some extra consideration from a life partner in this short period? Really?

OP, your husband is acting like a dick.
He is, of course, entitled to his hobby.
What he isn't entitled to, is speaking to you like shit & refusing to engage with his infantile 'you won' repetitive response.

You could have talked & worked out a compromise, but he's chosen to act like a child & deliberately made you feel like shit.

And yes thank you, he could go every Monday and very, very rarely does. He gets a full day every Monday when I'm working and out DC is at school. A full day completely to himself. I literally never get that! Ever!

This is why I've been single since my last divorce 5 years ago I'm sick to death of mens selfishness and huge sense of entitlement. They think their needs are more important than anything else. I cant stand golf bores anyway.

@fuckinggolf most families don't get two days a week together at all. That's not realistic. Not when you think of shopping or house jobs that need doing. Clubs older children attend, partied etx.
It is also important to do something for yourself for your own mental health.

But presumably his friends work on Mondays and he enjoys the social aspect of the hobby as well.

Surely him having every Monday child-free while you never get the equivalent is the problem here, not four hours of golf every fortnight.

Who's he going to play when everyone else else is working?

I agree that he should have the time for himself. I’m a runner and I would go spare without it. But that doesn’t excuse his disgusting, abusive behaviour when she requested that he doesn’t go on one occasion when she is heavily pregnant. Or the gaslighting and telling her that she stops him from going and refusing to go today while insisting that she said he shouldn’t when that absolutely isn’t the case.

His behaviour is abhorrent and I would be reconsidering this relationship. You are pregnant and should be his priority. There is plenty of time for golf, in the late stages of pregnancy he should be putting you first, not creating imaginary arguments out of nothing.

@warofthemonstertrucks you, along with many others, seem to have missed the fact he works Saturdays. Sunday is the only 'family day'. He has a week day to himself.

the OP is looking after their busy active, needs exercising, 4 year old while being heavily pregnant & feeling shattered.

I get he wants to play golf with his mates, when they play. The fact he hasn't for a few weeks isn't the OP's fault. He arranged stuff & then it was Christmas Day.

it's not just 4 days she's got their 4 year old on her own it'll be the next set of working days straight after.

the Tosspot is also taking an hour every evening in the way home to go to the golf range, an hour she's probably desperate for some help with entertaining DS.

not all 4 year olds are created equally. Some are pretty easy, others are full on & very demanding.

DH is being really unreasonable to not see why the one Sunday she asked him not to play isn't unreasonable.

& the tantrum he's having is ridiculous & unfair! Twat

Do people not read the OP. The dh works on Saturday @warofthemonstertrucks so he can’t take the child on Saturday. He plays golf for an hour every weekday after work, presumably meaning that the oP does tea and possibly bath every day . She is 38 weeks pregnant with mobility problems . But he thinks he should get 4.5 hours on possibly the last Sunday before she gives birth to play golf . Of course it’s possible to look after a four year old and a newborn but why should she , the child has two parents, who are equally responsible .

I’ve never got this men must have hobbies thing but when exactly is the OP meant to ‘have a hobby’ . The dc has two parents , the dh in this circumstance seems to manage every other Sunday afternoon to parent and if the OP does something in that time for herself when do the dc see their parents together .

Because she's going to be 38 weeks pregnant and absolutely knackered having looked after a four year old sigle handedly for five days straight. Her husband works Saturdays and Sunday is the one day they get together as a family. It's not very difficult to understand surely?

This is your issue. You see it as "fucking golf". He sees it as something important to him, an opportunity to practice his skills, have some fresh air and exercise, socialise, do something for himself. Surely everyone should be entitled to that once a fortnight? I'd be helping him prioritise it and finding something for yourself that gives you the same.

He shouldn't have had kids then, should he? How many mothers of very young children get to swan off once a fortnight and do what's important to them? Generally they're mature enough to understand that during these early years, it's relentless childcare and the children come first.

People set such low standards for men. No wonder they've stopped evolving.

What happens on the day off he has in the week when he doesn't pay golf?

Tbh by the time the kids get older and are doing different sports etc this family time where you are all together gets diluted anyway. It's just not practical to try and make it sacrosanct when one or both of you works, there are two kids doing different things and yes, each adult wants to also do things they enjoy which is a healthy thing. Family life is what happens in between that. The trick is for both adults to get their bit of time and to support each other in that. And To schedule time to be together within that-but stating you all have to be together as a family for all of Sunday every week isn't practical and won't end up being healthy for anyone really. Sorry. I get that you don't want to hear the sort of answer-and it's only an opinion anyway.

I had two babies 13 months apart. We both worked ft. Dh used to drive 200 miles every other Saturday-to watch football-then back. Fine. But the Sundays those weeks he did the bulk of the childcare. And on the middle weekends we did stuff as a family a bit and sometimes stuff separately. If you get hung up on ensuring family time and put pressure on it it creates resentment is all.

I think you’re both being a bit U. Surely most women pregnant with their 2nd will be heavily pregnant and caring for their eldest for a few weeks pre birth? My eldest was 17 mths when I was 38 weeks and DH was working FT and long hours saving his paternity leave til after the baby arrived.

Your DH is being a dick in the way he’s approaching it, the PA stuff is childish. It sounds like both of you are carrying unresolved resentment around the golf. Try to find some common ground. DH and his mates used to take the earliest tee time and only play 9 holes so he was back before I’d barely had breakfast.

But presumably his friends work on Mondays and he enjoys the social aspect of the hobby as well.

aww diddums what is he 10 or a fully grown adult ? There are always people at the club happy to play a round , or he can put a notice up in the clubhouse to see if anyone else wants to play Mondays . After all he is there every single night after work

I totally agree with you, and this is why neither of you should ever have had kids. I know it’s too late for this advice now, but really, when you discussed having a family and what life would look like, this must have been a discussion that lasted a few hours. Please tell me you discussed this before TTC.
Not fair on the kids, at all.

@RegularNameChangerVersion21 a lot of people are still working at 38 weeks. I don't see how it's difficult to watch a 4 year old for a few hours every other weekend morning 🤷‍♀️ maybe that's just me.