Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

My DH loves golf
When the DC were little he cut down to once a week,early Saturday morning
back by 12 ,still had the rest of the day
Sounds like you both need to calm down a bit and have an open chat

Sorry OP, but you do come across as a bit anti golf.

You put your name down for a t time as others do and play with whoever signs up. Playing with friends is just a bonus.

if he really wanted to play golf he'd play on Mondays and Sundays with mates would be a nice extra.

He's not playing on Sundays to play golf, he's playing on Sundays to meet up with his mates. No different than going to the pub to watch the footy.

How about she leaves the toddler with him?

Urgh OP I totally understand and sympathise. My DH used to act like this. Signed up for an Ironman during my second pregnancy and was out for houuuuurs every weekend doing fucking running or swimming or whatever. Thought it was fine because I was about to have a “whole year off”. I had and still have so much rage. He also manipulates, saying he feels trapped and controlled by me because I was sometimes unsupportive of his desire to spend most of every weekend morning pedalling and treated me with contempt when I dared point out that the family and children should come before that shit. He does far less now, he’s got so used to using me as his “reason” that he doesn’t go, what I’ve realised is that in his head, he wants to be ironman, but unfortunately is just basically lazy and wants to use/blame me as his reason.
TLDR: this kind of resentment is corrosive. His manipulation and petulance is unacceptable. He sounds like a man total twat.

She is not asking him to give up forever just one Sunday when she is struggling. Of course she ‘can’ manage but why should she when the child has another parent who won’t have seen him barely for 5 days, as the dh plays golf every weekday evening as well .

If Sundays are the only day you get as a family he should only get golf on 1 in 4. 2 with the kids and 1 for you to have some time out on your own away from the kids. Selfish git.

I don't know anyone who gave up their hobbies just because they had a baby.

What toddler? They have a 4 year old school age child.

Yes it’s the working full time and THEN wanting to spend all weekend fiddling around with hobbies. Just so selfish and unreasonable (but then I was always the mug stuck at home with the babies)

That is a horrible thing to say. It might apply to the men in your life but it doesn't to the men in mine.

That proper made me laugh, @Paq !

I think he is being both selfish and wrong, but after being married for so many years to a similar entitled man I’m going to take a guess at his thinking process.

You have both agreed to golf every other Sunday. He hasn’t been to golf for 3 weeks for various reasons. I bet his thinking is that golf every other Sunday, means he will get to play 26 times a year. Even though the missed golf was at his bequest, he is still ‘due’ his 26 sessions. Therefore two golf weekend in a row is fair and just catch-up to his way of thinking.

He has also agreed to stop the golf when you have the baby, so that’s even more reason he feels why he should have these two weekends. And in his head, this is what you both agreed to.

Never, never underestimate the loss of face that some men feel about telling other men they can’t do something because of The Wife. Nearly all women I know would have no problem telling their friends “ hey I can’t make next week, because my husbands needs me” but men think this makes them look “pussy whipped”, and can’t bear to lose face to their friends. Fucking juvenile I know.

You don’t say whether he does an early session as people have suggested. It seems a good solution. If he doesn’t, it might also be because he can’t bear to ask his mates to change the time because …… yeah you guessed it.

His explosion may be due to the fact his poor male ego will be damaged in the eyes of his friends if he has to cancel next week.

I don’t know your husband, but I know mine very well, and his first reaction to me always seemed so over the top. This sounds similar.

The reason I’ve posted this is because you sound genuinely confused why your husband would be SO pissed off at something you think is such a reasonable ask. Welcome to my (previous) world.

I don’t know what the answer is, I struggled most of my marriage with this. The only thing I can suggest is that every time you negotiate with him Eg hobbies, time with mates etc, you have to approach it like a multi million business contract, and get all the details down , and all the what ifs, down in writing.

I spent most of my marriage wondering how my husband and I had such different conclusions of everyday conversations.

I can see both points of view to be honest. It’s not your fault he’s missed out on weeks of golf, but equally I don’t see why he should miss next weekend because you are pregnant and will have looked after DC whilst he is at work.

I cant believe people are saying YABU.
He is playing golf this weekend
He can play Mondays but chooses not to as wants to socialise.
It was his choice to cancel previous weekends
He wanted to play next weekend and OP asked him not to for a very valid reason, she is looking after her 4 year old solo all week because he fucked up booking his holiday, and will be shattered as 38 weeks pregnant, and needs more than half a days break through the entire week.

Irrespective of all that he could have just said 'look can we see how you get on, I'll do as much as I can in the evenings to try and take the load off you, but I'd really like to go as it will be taking a back seat after the baby is born'.

Instead he has told you you're controlling (for asking a question and giving a reasonable explanation why you wanted to do something), is being way OTT about being forced to spend time with his family (average three quarters of a day a week) and is trying to manipulate you by playing the martyr. He wants an argument about this and to turn it back on you because he knows your request is reasonable and he can't actually rationally argue against it without sounding like a dick so he wants to make you sound like a dick instead.

This is the second thread I've read today where people expect a very heavily pregnant lady to just carry on completely as normal and their husband has chosen not to provide any additional support and some posters think its fine

Then you haven't been paying much attention to the female half of the population, the ones who have the babies. Pretty much every single one of them gives up their more active hobbies for the first year or so.

Bang on the money @Toomanysleepycats

Have you read any of this at all? How does she ‘clearly make her feelings known’? You’ve just pulled that notion out of thin air. OP said she is happy for him to go and play golf. Children are off school/nursery right now so she has asked him not to play next Sunday as by then she
will have been on her own all week looking after their 4 year old at 38 weeks pregnant so will be shattered. He’s having a meltdown because he had to miss golf the last 3 weeks due to plans HE made and the fact that Christmas fell on a Sunday, which you no doubt think the OP orchestrated for spite!

This thread is like something from the 1950s.

the OP:

works full time except when on ML
has a four year old
is 38 weeks pregnant

her dh :

plays golf every day after work
half a day every other weekend , even though he works the other day
has a full day off every week in which he does no childcare and is free to do what he wants

but the OP, the woman, is in the wrong . Utterly baffling

So this is the problem. You should have equal leisure time. He's very selfish - and sulking and manipulating you is not good either. YANBU.

OP you need to find a hobby that takes 5 hours a week and 4.5 hours every second weekend , then go out and do it. Forget “ family time” because your husband clearly doesn’t value it.

If you don't want to do a hobby just after your op then go to a friend or relatives house for that time and sleep /watch Netflix in their spare room.

That way you will both get your hobbies and your husband will see how fun and easy it is to care for his own children . Its a win win.

Start now. If hes been at the golf range this month then he owes you about 15-20 hours. Off you pop today.

I think it is 'fucking golf' if he's doing it flat dab in the middle of every other Sunday. He should be doing the first slot on Sunday mornings so he's home before noon to spend the rest of the day with his young family rather than dumping it all on you to sort all the time.

And to blame you for his scheduling conflicts is really just taking the piss ... gaslighting at its finest. He's being an asshole. Tell him so. This is entirely on him.

@EL0ISE Yep, there's nothing like getting a taste of their own medicine to wake men up to how entitled and selfish they're being.

It's YOU, not reading what has been written!

DS Is on school holidays, he's an active child that wants to out doing stuff. OP will be looking after him solo all week, including Saturday. She's 38 weeks pregnant, exhausted and has asked twat features not to play golf on that one Sunday.

he's thrown a complete strop, blaming HER for him not playing for weeks (he booked other things, then it was Christmas) he selfishly goes to the driving range every night for an hour as well, leaving her to sort DS.

she's NOT complaining about the regular Sunday playing.

No shit, I am aware that 4 year olds need looking after. But it is actually possible for one of their PARENTS to look after them whilst the other does a hobby etc. Both parents are entitled to a hobby, or to see friends, the other parent is more than capable to look after their OWN child during this time. I am not saying that it's easy, mind you.

I was just saying that why should parents give up everything to have children. Good luck with the relationship in the later years.