Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

[mortitiaaddams]

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

You’ve answered your own question, you have misgivings he’s also emotionally over involved with Ms A daughter. You need to figure what you do now, direct conversation with your husband Mr B and decline frequency of contact with Ms A child. You must prioritise your own family. You don’t need to love or be there for MsA child you do need to love and be there for your own kids

Honestly I think I've put up with it because A has no other childcare options. The problem is the unpredictability and the nights. She couldn't afford a nanny.

A never really asks, DH just volunteers us. The two of our older DC who also help out with childcare volunteered independently of DH. One of them dropped out of uni a few years ago and was at a total loose end, so A really helped them (and us!) out in that respect. They basically had a part time job helping out with A's DD until they reapplied and went back into education.

I love AIBU threads presented as maths equations.

I think your dh has an alternative family that doesn't question him and he gets to be Mr Wonderful with no downsides. The cost is getting too much so you're right to flag it up over this weekend away it's really not on. I would ask my husband how far he's willing to take this and say this weekend us a deal breaker either our family is your priority or your alternate is its time to decide. And I totally followed the A B C easier than names for me

So much of this is about your jealousy over A and B ‘s relationship that I would question how much you’re projecting those feelings onto your children and assuming they’re jealous. What are the events your kids want him to attend that he doesn’t? It sounds like they’re teens, so there’s usually a limit to how much they want their Dad at stuff.

You put up with it because you chose to.

You need to get to the bottom of why you thought, your husbands colleagues child are issues should fall to you and him and was happy to go along with it no questions asked.

Could be you were afraid of looking unkind. Would you have been blamed if she had, had to leave her job due to childcare? You would be blamed if they no longer had so much contact? Did you feel he might leave if you didn’t?

You have chosen to let this impact you and your kids. If you get to bottom of why you chose to go along with this, then you may be able to see the future choices in front of you. You may be able to work exactly why you put up with it and wether you want to continue to do so.

I have paramedics and police officers in my family. This set up isn’t normal at all.

Has it occurred to you that A isn’t denying the man in question is the father, because that will then throw out the question of who is the father?

I think there’s a large likelihood that you have been helping raise their child while they hid it from you. At the very least, he is investing far too much emotional energy and time into a woman who isn’t his wife and is damaging his own marriage and family. And getting you to invest in her too. That’s not normal.

I think, whether or not he is biologically the father, he is thinking like a father (and partner to A). I'm not surprised you are unhappy.

OP (C) tell your DH (B) that you are prepared to help A with child care but not days or weekends away. Eight-year-old (DD) has to know that not many parents can give up weekends for sport, she (DD) can continue local events unless her mother (A) can change shifts to take her (DD) for ones that are longer than a day.

This is the best compromise. If dh doesn’t agree to it, then you haven’t a serious marriage problem.

This is like one of those complicated riddles where next to no one can be arsed to work out the answer.

DH's argument with above and beyond stuff like the sports fixture has always been that our DC haven't missed out on these things because I/our extended family have been able to take them. I agree those things are probably the biggest issue, but getting that through to him is like talking to a brick wall.

I saw A a lot in what would have been her second trimester, and I can see how she didn't realise she was pregnant. It got quite complicated at the time as she'd missed the deadline to put in for maternity leave, so I really don't think they were just hiding it from me.

DH and I have grown up DC and DC still at home with us. The ones still at home with us and the older ones with their own DC are the ones who are unhappy with the current arrangements.

You’re in a tough position, OP and I can see how everyone has ended up in this position with the best of intentions.

I think posters need to move on from assuming your dh is the dad. It’s a bit of a red herring, and you sound confident he isn’t.

Are any of your dc female? What would you advise them in this situation? There is no perfect outcome here, I just wonder what the least worst one is.

It seems like everything had happened so incrementally. I do wonder what everything looks like in one, five, ten years if everything stays the same.

I think you also need to consider whether your dcs current unhappiness is an expression of their protectiveness of you?

Just a word of warning OP- if and when you put your foot down, expect your DH to lash out and “not understand”, and attempt to make you feel guilty.

this has been working out really nicely for A and B all these years , they won’t want it to end and will make you feel like the bad guy - stand firm.

Yes, and the emotional blackmail guilt trips over the effect on the child.

Stand firm, Op.

OP has said in a previous post that she's wondered a few times over the years if he is the father

I work in a role that’s intense with 12hr shifts,we all do each other favour for sure. I get it.
We don’t extend it to include free childcare and weekend trips for sports activities
other colleagues use family or friends for childcare,no one routinely has a nanny. Few consultants have a nanny, but that’s the minority
Your husband and Ms A are enacting a unhealthy emotional dependency and it’s encroached upon you and your own family
Is he,is he not the daddy? Your hunch is no.
He is certainly emotionally and practically over involved, this isn’t normal colleague behaviour
She MsA doesn’t make any alternative childcare arrangement because she doesn’t have to
@mortitiaaddams why do you continue to facilitate this?what are you scared will happen if you say no? Your husband Mr B and Ms A have manipulated you into thinking this is normal colleague behaviour. It isn’t. At all. You need to prioritise your own family not MsA child

DH and I have grown up DC and DC still at home with us. The ones still at home with us and the older ones with their own DC are the ones who are unhappy with the current arrangements.

You need to make him see his DC at home must be his priority at this time.

Your grown-up DC need to speak to him themselves about their feelings and his GC’s feelings. Don’t play piggy in the middle there by talking for them.

I feel stuck because I honestly don't know what she would do for childcare if we stopped doing it. The problem is she needs short notice overnights/weekends/evenings availability. She does use regular childminding, school clubs etc where possible.

I think DH's expectation is we will continue to do this until she retires.

Our DC who aren't happy have been raising it with DH for years. It always comes back to they/I am jealous of A.

She'd do what most parents would do and change to a more suitable job!

I also think you're being spun a line about this 'father' apparently wanting access to the child all of a sudden.

You've asked him before whether this child is his, you're still not 100% sure in your heart of the truth and he's only got more and more involved in this child's life whilst forcing you and your kids to get more involved... Maybe he's not the father, but he certainly hasn't been very respectful or kind of your feelings, or or your own children's feelings.

I think with the nature of his job, you already 'put up with' more than the average wife. The friendships that arise on the job can be strictly platonic, but they're also far more intense than many women are prepared to accept their husbands having with anyone else. He's done this for 25 years - you've been respectful of his career choice and his need to give so much of himself to another human being as part of that career - you've been hugely supportive. I'm willing to bet you don't get enough credit for that.

What I read from your posts is that you've shifted this one boundary necessarily, and your husband has then eroded all your other boundaries. I'm sure you were originally willing to provide the odd bit of emergency childcare as a kindness to a single mum, and you can't quite see how you ended up from there to here.

I suggest you think about what boundaries you want.

Your husband thinks your children are jealous - so what if they are? It sounds like they're jealous for good reason. From what you've said, your husband is spending more time with this child than he ever did with his own kids.

Maybe there are certain activities that you don't want your husband to do with this child. Maybe you want to invite your own kids round more often, and for your husband to spend more time with them now (it won't quite be the same, he should have taken them to activities when they were little, but it shows willing). Maybe you want him to take the grandchildren to activities (if their parents are happy with that).

Maybe you're happy for your husband to help out once with this child two days every fortnight but not ten days every fortnight.

Ignore the guilt tripping; think about what works for you before having a conversation, as if you don't have an idea of what you want to do, your husband by the sounds of it will decide for you.

For what it's worth, you've only ended up in this awkward untenable position because you're clearly a very caring person. You don't deserve this, but again, it's worth pointing out how lovely you are, because I don't think you get credit for that either.

You sound like you want to stay with your husband, but you need some adjustments for your own sanity, so put yourself first for once (it'll be the first time in decades!) and ask for what you need. I don't think you need your husband to find another job, cut off his friend or cut off this child - but you do need him to refocus on your own family, the one you've created with him, so you feel seen, and you feel important. That's not a lot to ask of a husband. That's the bare minimum.

I. think DH's expectation is we will continue to do this until she retires.

Holy. Fuck.

So. A 2nd family, basically.

What happens if your DH gets ill, retires, you want to work or volunteer or childcare for grandkids etc? Or take up a hobby or do an education course? Or go on a road trip holiday?

You're saying your DH expects your family to be unpaid childcare to enable this woman to work for YEARS to come?

What would DH say if you said you were getting a job? Would he see how his expectations are fucking bizarre?

I still don't think she sounds confident that he isn't the dad, but I don't think it actually matters. She's decided to have a relationship with this child - whether that's godmother or stepmother, it doesn't matter. She cares for her. It would just be the label shifting.

What is important is that the OP and her DH maintain a relationship with this child in a way that doesn't break the OP. You might well have a point about her children complaining not just on their own account, but as a way to protect their mum.

If that's the case, again, OP, your children wanting to stand up for you is yet another sign of how special you are. Please remember that you deserve to have your own needs met, and what you need isn't too much to ask for.

You and your DC need to give your DH a good talking to then.

Why are you worrying about her childcare but not your long term financial prospects if DH ever decides to jump ship? Do you have any kind of pension?

Basically if he’s not the dad then he must be in love with her. This is not something even work partners or close friends do for each other.

@mortitiaaddams you really need to stop passively feeling aggrieved,stop being free childcare. I’d be giving an ultimatum with a deadline. If he won’t stop providing free childcare I’d divorce him. The inability to prioritise his own family,it’s a deal breaker

please re-read your own post in particular I think DH's expectation is we will continue to do this until she retires Our DC who aren't happy have been raising it with DH for years. It always comes back to they/I am jealous of A. You need to speak up and act for yourself and your family. This is an outrageous situation that you provide free ongoing childcare for his colleague child and he prioritise another woman child before his family