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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
aloris · 30/12/2022 21:19

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 19:22

They're police. She's actually just eligible for retirement, she had her DD very late. Although I can see her holding off for a few more years. I imagine she probably can't afford to retire yet. DH's attitude seems to be we/I've done it this long and it won't be for much longer, so it would be unreasonable to mess with the current arrangement now.

She doesn't have the option to opt out of nights/antisocial shifts. Others have made it work as single parents, but have relied on family support. She doesn't have contact with her family.

Ok, but that doesn't actually make this your problem to solve for her, nor does it explain why your husband is willing to spend the weekend helping her kid with a nonessential sports activity that he won't even do for his own kids. Why did she sign up her child for a sport that requires so much parent supervision when she is a single mum? Did she even think of the burden it places on you, or on your kids, or the time it takes away from your kids being with their dad, the time it takes away from you with your husband, on the way it prioritises her wants over those of his wife?

You just sound so beaten down and like you see no other option than to accept it, and I can't help but think that your husband's attitude of calling you jealous when you object, has something to do with it. Sure, you are jealous. Because you SHOULD be jealous. But it's like he thinks you should not even have the self-respect to expect to come first with him. It's as if he wants you to collude in being second-stringed to the other woman he has brought into your marriage.

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2022 21:32

Do you know why only 2 of your children have a problem with A dc?

iamthesparrow · 30/12/2022 21:35

I'd speak directly to A.

Tell her that as much as you and your family love DD, your husband has been volunteering your time without actually asking you first, and you're no longer ok with this.

And care that YOU are being asked to provide needs to be discussed with you directly going forward. You can no longer accept DH volunteering you without your permission, as it's causing problems with your own children.

I'd tell her that you didn't want this to be awkward but your DH has given you no choice but to speak to her. She needs to ask YOU in future.

Zone2NorthLondon · 30/12/2022 21:41

iamthesparrow · 30/12/2022 21:35

I'd speak directly to A.

Tell her that as much as you and your family love DD, your husband has been volunteering your time without actually asking you first, and you're no longer ok with this.

And care that YOU are being asked to provide needs to be discussed with you directly going forward. You can no longer accept DH volunteering you without your permission, as it's causing problems with your own children.

I'd tell her that you didn't want this to be awkward but your DH has given you no choice but to speak to her. She needs to ask YOU in future.

But your scenario relies upon
op being assertive enough to directly challenge MsA (sorry,can’t see that reading her posts)
A will simply go directly to Op husband MrB and he’ll create a scene and the childcare will remain in situ
AND op doesn’t need to enact a 1:1 to assert herself, the suggested order of events won’t happen. Ms A is a skilled negotiator (its her job) and will be quick witted she’ll not let a scenario deprive her of Free childcare

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2022 07:52

Why does them being in the police mean he has to step in and be a stand in dad?
I know he said he'd support her but the child is 8 now! Surely A could have sorted some other childcare out in 8 years?!

The bottom line is that the situation is impacting the children/grandchildren now, so B needs to address that things have shifted.

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2022 13:07

he never shuld have prmised that sort of support-inappropriate with hi having his own family

i cant work out how long this has been going on for but yu seem really passive in stopping it-her not having childcare isnt your familys problem to sort out

Reigateforever · 31/12/2022 13:11

Out of interest how old is A? Can she retire at 55 which is the average for an officer to retire especially as it is after 30 years service? She could with her experience find a job with no shifts. Moreover, DD will be older, I had to leave my teenaged DC while I worked in the evenings. There could be a light, for you, at the end of this tunnel.

WatchoRulo · 31/12/2022 17:35

Z

Leela100 · 31/12/2022 17:40

🤣🤣🤣Jesus Christ you lost me at A B, C, DC, DP, DD,

SophieJo · 31/12/2022 17:53

You are BU making it sound so confusing!

SnowlayRoundabout · 31/12/2022 18:03

What's confusing? Plenty of people on the thread have had no difficulty working out what was happening on one reading of the OP.

Pupinski · 31/12/2022 18:13

B is the father, isn't he? Even if he hasn't fessed up, B is the father...

BillyBearTriumphs · 31/12/2022 18:22

I’m team C.

Heyhoitsme · 31/12/2022 18:37

I cannot compute.

Celestine70 · 31/12/2022 18:37

Your partner is totally unreasonable expecting you to do all this free childcare. Do you have children the same age? The answer might be to make yourself busy with work / study.

Loobieloogold · 31/12/2022 18:49

I am so sorry OP, but that feels like a higher maths problem and I gave up reading after first few sentences. Sorry x Sure you will get lots of help here.

quackquackwoof · 31/12/2022 18:56

F

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/12/2022 19:03

I think that all of the things were ok until I read that your DH has missed things for his own children to prioritise hers. That is so messed up it is hard to know where to start and his statement that you are there so he does not need to be is total crap. Same with agreeing things before discussing them with you. Those would be hard lines in the sand for me.

PermanentlyinUAT · 31/12/2022 19:07

I can imagine it’s very frustrating for you OP and can see why you and your DC resent the situation.
I suppose your husband sees it as your children have plenty of support. You’re at home, it sounds like you and the DC also have family support. Whereas A has no support at all and if you and he don’t help out then she’ll be left high and dry. Yes she’d probably have to get a nanny of sorts but this would massively affect her standard of living. So your husband probably sees it as helping someone who has no one else whereas his own children had plenty of other people to support them with fixtures etc etc.

Doesn’t change the fact that it’s frustrating for you but I imagine that’s the view he has.

Butchyrestingface · 31/12/2022 19:14

It does sound like B is the baby daddy.

Trishthedish · 31/12/2022 19:15

Couldn’t follow this at all. Way to many code names

teomama · 31/12/2022 19:28

Sorry OP, haven’t read the whole thread, but it does sound as if your husband is either the child’s dad, or has an affair with the mum, or both.

Cactusmad · 31/12/2022 20:11

After reading it all , my thoughts were I doubt he would do as you have in this situation. Even family wouldn’t put up with this situation. I can see why they like it. Child’s mother gets free secure childcare. Husband gets ego massaged but poor wife gets a horrible growing feeling that she’s been brought in to mother his other kid. They will shout and say it’s not so. If it’s not it’s even more weird.

Notthetoothfairy · 31/12/2022 20:17

Pupinski · 31/12/2022 18:13

B is the father, isn't he? Even if he hasn't fessed up, B is the father...

This. Sorry but we’re all thinking it (and A probably doesn’t want to be exposed so hasn’t said anything).

Hesma · 31/12/2022 20:17

C is taking the piss, this shouldn’t be having an effect on A&B’s relationship