Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

[mortitiaaddams]

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

A and B are both being unreasonable.
A - She can see this is causing issues between B and C and should do the honorable thing and tell B that he needs to spend more time with C and their children. He isnt the father and whilst it is nice of him to help A out he has no obligation and A has been very lucky to receive this help but now is the time to look for alternative arrangements.
B- He should be putting his own family and children first every single time and if he cant see that then he is a fool.

The whole situation is just as dark if he isn’t the dd’s dad. Honestly, it’s almost better if he’s the dad - otherwise it’s just so much weirdness that he gets to play the hero like this.

100% agree with this!

Like a GCSE maths question!

You said up thread that there might be a DNA test happening anyway, as part of A’s ongoing litigation with her ex, as he wants access to the child. This wouldn’t be the case if paternity were cut and dry. A obviously has reason to think that a DNA test would shut down Mr. X’s care. The reason for this is because the kid is B’s.

This thread must be difficult to read, but this is the MN consensus: your husband has fathered a child with someone else, and you’ve been babysitting her for 8 years.

The real giveaway is that he goes to her bloody plays and recitals!!

As PP have pointed out, you aren’t able to demand a DNA test. This isn’t the Jeremy Kyle show. But you should definitely activate snooping mode. Don’t let on your suspicions and start digging for evidence of the affair.

If he’s been getting away with it for a decade already, he will be complacent and it won’t be difficult to find texts / emails / receipts etc.

Sorry for this shitty situation, OP.

What are the childcare options for shift workers on the salary of police or paramedic?

and to volunteer to take the child away for a weekend…

You do realise that if/when you get divorced, they’ll end up being together officially.

The DNA test is part of a child custody process if the father is not named on the birth certificate.
Once it comes back as Mr X is the dad, the court will rule that A has no right to prevent contact and will grant Mr X contact.
A does not want Mr X to have contact. And OP even agrees that Mr X is no good.
And that's why OP believes that if B (her husband) was the dad, A would have said something to that effect to get rid of Mr X.
The DNA test is not because A is unsure of paternity.

I don’t necessarily think B is the father, but I certainly recognise the ‘saviour’ complex. I have a DH who is similar - loves to jump to help others out at the expense of his family. Especially his brother/sister/mother who all live a couple of hours away and provide a lot of support to each other and from their extended families. Whilst we have no family nearby and have a disabled child so my plans/having a couple of hours break at the weekend would be thrown out the window. I think these men like to be seen as the hero to others whilst their own families are just ‘demands’ on them and they don’t get praise looking after their own children.

hes either the dad or he’s in love with A. Think you’ve been a doormat in this. He can pick which family he wants to be with full time. Your lot don’t sound like his priority at all.

They will have to find an option that isn’t C.

OP, I do understand the type of friendships that the job role facilitates. Real friendships. Very close friendships.

I understand your husband making that promise as being a supportive friend.
And i understand your helping out with childcare as being part of the friendship between A and B, and also supporting your husband.

But no way would I understand that promise to be at the detriment to our own DC. No way.
I would have understood it as helping out with childcare when A is stuck, helping in moving house, helping in other practical things that are difficult for one person etc.

It may well have started out as that but your husband has really moved it beyond the normal. How can he prioritise someone else's DC above his own?

While there is nothing wrong with a man going away for the weekend with an 8 year old girl for her sporting event - an 8 year old that is like family and he is a daddy figure. It is weird that he does thus when he did not do this for his older DC and still does not do this (or the equivalent) for his younger DC.

It seems like this is a 'boiling the frog slowly situation' - it started as a normal supportive friendship but gradually over time has grown legs (arms and hands).
Even at that it is very very weird that A thinks she has an opinion in what should be okay and not okay in your family/marriage. Really weird.

We should start a file for whenever anyone says to or about a single mother “why didn’t you have a better support network which would unconditionally step in for childcare when you need to work to feed yourself/your children”. Or, “why didn’t you find a friend or relative to be a good role model for your child”

We could point them to this example of what happens when single mothers - in this case a single mother who is also an essential worker - ask for help, get it (and even also offer it in return).

They are branded liars, cheaters, CFs, piss-takers. The person who has helped is assumed to be a liar and an adulterer.

You can’t win on MN, can you.

It is entirely possible that B, who works in a “caring profession” is a rare good person who also cares about A and DC, recognises that A’s DC needs a better example what a father should be than she has, and is prepared to do some of the hard yards because nobody else will.

C may be jealous for herself and her own DC and want more time with her DH, but on the other hand: she has a good and decent DH, she has a big family (at least 4 DC from the sound of it) and she hasn’t been responsible for keeping a roof over their heads and paying the bills.

This.

Is this an 11+ practice question?

B is wrong,.unless he's the actual father. He shouldn't be leaving his family and children for entire weekends, thatsnjust wrong. I would actually leave my husband if he did that to us. I think as a family they should sit down and discuss what they're okay with. If it were me I'd be okay with covering some childcare while she's working. But not the sports thing. That child doesn't need to do it. What happened when all the children decide to join sports clubs? Who gets prioritised? The actual children of b and c should always be prioritised. This whole thing sounds unhealthy and wrong. It will end up damaging your relationship with your children.

C may be jealous for herself and her own DC and want more time with her DH, but on the other hand: she has a good and decent DH, she has a big family (at least 4 DC from the sound of it) and she hasn’t been responsible for keeping a roof over their heads and paying the bills.

C should put up and shut up because she’s been lucky to be a SAHM? So A had a baby with a deadbeat, and needs someone else’s DH/DF to stand in, at the expense of his own DC?

It sounds like B is being inconsiderate to his DW & DC.

I think baby sitting A's DD every so often is fine and actually financially helpful to B&C's DC. How old are B&C's DC?

The weekend sporting trip is taking the piss though. It requires a proper chat with all parties involved. Also it doesn't sound sustainable if it's going to be a regular occurrence.

Ok, I understand the job dynamics
your husband Mr B needs to stop being captain fucking charming to the detriment of his own family. It’s telling your own kids are annoyed at their dad over involvement with MsB child. The near constant presence of Mr A and Ms B is putting a strain upon your own family

Ms B now has a reliance and dependence upon you and your husband - that’s fine if you’re all ok and there are no strain or tension. However, there are strain and tension so something has to change. Otherwise your own children will feel marginalised & second citizen

How old are B&C’s children? If one of them has children of their own are they all adults? If so then (regardless of whether B is the father of A’s child) surely B isn’t needed so much at home on the weekend. C could even go to sport fixture with B 🤔

Menage a trois.

He's really disrespecting you and your children by putting them first. It's obviously nice to help someone but he's going way too far

I could not put up with that

We should start a file for whenever anyone says to or about a single mother “why didn’t you have a better support network which would unconditionally step in for childcare when you need to work to feed yourself/your children”. Or, “why didn’t you find a friend or relative to be a good role model for your child”

There is a difference between being a single parent with other adults who can be good role models for their child and encouraging a situation where a married friend is essentially acting as the child's parent to the detriment of his own family.

One of my friends had her eldest DS when we were 16 - the dad was a deadbeat who didn't want to be involved, her family kicked her out, a lot of friends distanced themselves and she was alone in a tiny bedsit. Me and maybe one or two other friends stuck with her and helped her with her DS - whether it was just coming to hang out at her flat while I did my homework and then watch TV with her in the evening; or taking her DS out for a walk so she could have half an hour to have a shower and cup of tea in peace; or when I got a car and passed my test at 17, being able to help her out by driving her to appointments/go for days out to the seaside etc together etc - and we have always been close but not the point that I ever prioritised her and her DS over my own partner and child.

There is a huge difference between "being part of the village" and "being the second parent" and in the OPs case A is expecting B to be the latter, not the former which is not OK.

We could point them to this example of what happens when single mothers - in this case a single mother who is also an essential worker - ask for help, get it (and even also offer it in return).

They are branded liars, cheaters, CFs, piss-takers. The person who has helped is assumed to be a liar and an adulterer.

LBR this is an extreme case, and the situation as presented in the OP does give rise to a lot of questions which people are entitled to ask about As intentions as there doesn't seem to be any kind of social awareness that the amount of involvement B has in her child's life is not a normal level for someone who is supposed to be a work bff and nothing more.

The OP is concerned that the situation, over time, has gone further than she is comfortable with and has asked for outside opinions to be more objective. It is not unreasonable to ask for help, but when it is in the scale of the help the OP and her DP are giving A then they are blurring the lines between "single parent asking a friend for help" and "single parent assuming that friend will act as surrogate father".

The OP and her DP have given A lots of support over the years but clearly there are no boundaries on place because A is still asking, and expecting, more of them 8 years down the line and the OP is concerned that this pattern is going to continue, to the detriment of her family. It's all well and good rescuing someone else but you have to make sure you are safe first, and in this case it seems like the OP feels like she's drowning in a situation not of her choice or making but has no idea how to get out of it b cause her DP is too busy rescuing his work bff and her child to notice the OP and their children.

Just reading through all the responses, but @anotheruser173 you're bang on re the job. I say colleagues because that's how they met and they don't see each other much outside of work unless it's with A's DD, but extremely close friends is probably a better description.

I've wondered if he might be the father a few times over the years. He's always strongly denied it. The whole access situation makes me think he definitely isn't. I really think if there was any possibility her DD's dad wasn't her father she would have raised that by now to stop him getting access. I also wouldn't put it past DH to file for access if he thought he was her DD's father so he could block access that way. No parent would want A's DD's father anywhere near their child.

I honestly don't know what I want to happen next. I don't want to sever all contact, I think we're in too deep for that. I do genuinely love and care about A's DD as her godmother and I want a relationship with her. But the intensity is getting too much, and our own DC/GDC picking up on it is breaking point for me.

I think after 8 years, it is hard to change the dynamic but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Why on earth have you put up with it for so long.

I immediately read it as that he’s likely the father. If he isn’t then he’s acting like it and emotionally feels like it. It doesn’t sound as if A and B have always been platonic. Why did you put up with it for so long? If it caused arguments before and it continued, I don’t see how you are going to change things now unless you are prepared to leave him over it?

Mother of daughter needs to sort out some childcare and stop relying on B and C so much.