Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

[mortitiaaddams]

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

The situation is unsustainable.

A needs to recognise that her job is incompatible with her family /child care needs.

Most other people, if they didn't have suitable childcare would change jobs - I did, as did my DH. We didn't work shifts but we did travel with work a lot which we could no longer do with DC.

I am assuming this is police or NHS and she has years of service, not just starting her career - can she ask for flexible working? Work in a team with more normal hours? She can't be the only single parent who has ever worked in these places

@mortitiaaddams you have acted very selflessly for many years, caring for A's DD but you have reached your breaking point for a reason (a lot of people may have reached this point sooner) and your feelings are completely valid.

The comment from your DH about you or your DC 'being jealous' if you mention being uncomfortable with the situation really wouldn't sit well with me. Even if the root cause was jealousy, how does a man shut down such a conversation without ensuring his own family feel secure about his role in their lives while on the other hand going to the ends of the earth to ensure A and her DD are supported beyond the normal boundaries of friendship.
Also, why on earth would he assume it was jealousy - unless he knows he is giving A and her DD something/attention that his own family are not getting and would quite rightly expect for themselves?

Apologies, if the following is a painful question that you have thought of many times over the years, but aside from the issue of the paternity of A's DD, would you end your marriage if you knew for certain that your DH had been unfaithful with A (either once or as an ongoing affair)?

He reduces your emotions to jealousy, but he's depriving you of a husband and your DC of a father. Doesn't really cover it does it?

Your 'D'H sounds worse with every update! You're not happy. Some of your children aren't happy. End of.

I couldn't give a shit if he thinks that's due to jealousy, a large portion of his actual family ARE UNHAPPY and he needs to understand that!

He needs to decide where his priorities lie and I'd be pointing that out to him loud and bloody clear.

Does A realise how you and your family are feeling about the situation because if she does, shame on her too!

Do you have six kids? Two still at home, two middle ones who support the current relationship with A and two older ones with kids?

Have you tried having a discussion where the four who are unhappy set out exactly what it is they feel their Dad is not doing for them, without the context of A? So specifically what events they would like him to attend, what regular support they want with grandchildren? Take it away from the stuff with A and back to his relationship with them. Take it away from any accusations of jealousy. He can do what he wants with A’s child, who is completely innocent here, but your children have these expectations for what presence they want in their lives. If those expectations are reasonable, then it’s not about jealousy but about him finding a way to meet them.

The accusations of jealousy sound nasty. It’s entirely acceptable to be jealous when your husband/father is spending most of his time with another woman and child. You need to defuse that as an argument and expose it for it is- knee-jerk defensiveness and an unacceptable attempt to blame you and your children.

B's reasoning regarding weekend events is ridiculous. So your kids got to do away events because you had extended fam who could help out. So what? What does that have to do with the price of cheese? HE'S NOT HER HUSBAND. Helping A with childcare for overnight shifts is one thing, if she would have to quit her job without that childcare. But B going to her child's weekend events when he doesn't even go to his own children's events, is a whole different kettle of fish. It's unnecessary. Lots of children do not get to do their optimal sporting events because the logistics don't work with their family situations.

B saying that you and the kids don't like it because you are merely jealous is correct. And you have every right to be jealous! Jealousy is the correct response to this nonsense. He is putting another woman and her child equal to his own wife and kids and it's utterly inappropriate. I understand that you are in pretty deep with A and B having a pattern of using you that they are comfortable with, so it will be difficult to extricate your marriage from this, but they have no respect for you and if you keep allowing it, I don't know, it makes it seem like you have no respect for yourself.

Is it your DH suggesting it’s jealousy? If so, then he knows deep down he’s being unreasonable, or why would jealousy even be possible?

Start being busy OP. Your DH sounds like a lost cause. You don't have to be available at short notice to enable your DHs "work wife" or whatever she is to have her career. She should have thought about this when she was busy getting preggers - sorry, now just pissed off on your behalf.

Our DC who aren't happy have been raising it with DH for years. It always comes back to they/I am jealous of A.

he is prioritising his relationship with this woman and a child who isnt his over his wife and children. Honestly, really think about that.

i think it needs a hard no. Youve reached your limit. That's enough. And be firm with it. Half measures will no longer do as he does not care about your concerns and boundaries.

Unfortunately it does sound a bit like your DH is a lost cause. If you bring this to a head, do you think that he will change his behavior, or will he simply leave and accuse you of splitting up the marriage?

If you do split up, bear in mind that she and her child will likely be fine, as she has kept her career at your expense. Meanwhile, you have facilitated her career and their relationship in full view of yourself, while having no career of your own to support yourself, your kids, your retirement, if he leaves when you stop playing second fiddle to her.

OP, i think you need to prioritize yourself and sort a job in the New Year.

A needs to ask for more family friendly shifts; i.e. no nights or short notice. Other single parents have to work around their kids. I don't know how likely this is in her line of work but has she ever asked? She has made this you and DH's problem rather than sorting it out herself. Without you she would have to change jobs. Not the end of the world.
How old are your youngest children OP? To be honest you sound a bit vulnerable in this situation as a SAHM if it doesn't resolve itself. Have you thought about returning to work?

Is this some kind of algebraic problem that if presented as a simultaneous equation comes out with the answer that B= father of C? If so I, was ill that week and missed the class.

Well, C is not happy and neither are B's children. So he needs to wake up to his priorities, and A needs to take responsibility for a bit more child care. Having to spend a whole weekend with a child not your own is an imposition, especially when it's at the expense of your own children.

They're police. She's actually just eligible for retirement, she had her DD very late. Although I can see her holding off for a few more years. I imagine she probably can't afford to retire yet. DH's attitude seems to be we/I've done it this long and it won't be for much longer, so it would be unreasonable to mess with the current arrangement now.

She doesn't have the option to opt out of nights/antisocial shifts. Others have made it work as single parents, but have relied on family support. She doesn't have contact with her family.

Say yes you are all obviously jealous of the attention that this family are getting at the expense of yours, anyone normal would be, that yes you are sympathetic to the situation but that the weekend activities are taking it that one step too far and none of you are prepared to let that happen.

But are you prepared for the consequences if he won’t accept that?

So sorry op. This is literally unbelievable.

The following is advice from someone on Mumsnet, which I saved at the time because it was relevant to an issue at work. Right now, it seems relevant to your situation so thanks again to the original poster and here it is:

“You do not have to find the solution to other people's problems. You do not even have to know what their options are. What they tell you about their options should have very little relevance to your decisions. When people say they have no options that is never true. It means they don't like most of the options. And that's really quite different when you are being set up by them as their only option".

He is putting another woman and her child equal to his own wife and kids and it's utterly inappropriate

not equal to, @aloris, above

@mortitiaaddams, in your shoes I'd be raging about this.
And I feel sorry for your DC as well

@Sandunesandseashells

Great advice. Thanks for sharing.

Ooh, this is tough. I guess your DH sees her almost as a sister and her DD as close as a niece and he is her only male role model.

But by doing this he has placed her above his own DC, and has been able to because your family has stepped in to take his place with his own DC.

When he says "you're just jealous" have you ever replied "and with good reason!!!" Because he is more of a father to her DD than to his own DC, and if your relationship with him were to fall apart would mean he would be at real risk of losing his own DC. He also prioritises her needs over yours, by the sound of it.

Why are you so acquiescent to this? Get angry. Withdraw your support.Tell A to find alternative arrangements . Set a deadline and stick to it
Like all other shift workers she need to sort out childcare,that can be friends,paid childcare,other colleagues. A makes no alternative arrangements because she doesn’t have to.She know you and your husband B will accommodate all her childcare needs Ongoing
TBH your marriage is a based upon your passive acquiescence to their wishes, even when he knows it upsets his own children and wife. Your husband prioritises her wishes before his own wife and children. He has told you so much.
You need to make some difficult decisions
1 Stay and put up with his & her onerous childcare demands at the expense of your own family

2 Make an ultimatum and stick to it,that he decrease the childcare and doesn’t prioritise her before your own family. He amends his behaviour and withdraw her reliance upon you for childcare

Maybe you don't have to cut it off entirely, just give it some borders.

I'd say you should do some more math.

Your family needs some time together and some time from each of you. You take care about the time he works, but the rest the care can be split. He has a right to some amount of time off (maybe small amount, but some), provided he enables you to have the same amount of free time.
It is totally up to him what he want to do with his time - if he wants to be helping instead of football or bike, why not.
Outside of that you can provide some extent of help as a family (measured by hours, situations) so there must be some prioritisation where the help will go. Sounds the overnight is more necessary for her than the weekend sport trips -> the priorities are clear.

I do wonder if you and your DC need to have some sort of intervention with him.

Keep it factual - the amount of times he's done childcare for A's DD vs how he has helped his own family. Also tell him how his actions have made you feel.

Tell him that he needs to step up for his family.

He will probably react badly but hopefully he will reflect about how his actions are affecting his family.