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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM's reaction to being 12 mins late

328 replies

Coffeeandtveasily · 29/12/2022 17:34

My DH, my two children and I were due to meet my parents at a local restaurant today for lunch.
It's a very relaxed, family friendly restaurant. It was really quiet, with loads of available tables.
Due to one thing and another we turned up 12 minutes late. I messed my DM to say we were running late and would be there soon.
We saw them sitting at the window as we arrived. My Dad looked furious. My DM was looking at her phone with a face like thunder.
My DM said "Oh you're finally here! You're late!" I said "10 minutes late! We're here now."
They both had a big go at us, with my mum saying "It's lucky we weren't late or we'd have lost our table!" The restaurant was quiet, loads of available seating.
They then grumbled and made more passive aggressive comments.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. The only reason I didn't leave was because the kids were excited to be there.

I was looking forward to it after being ill and finally feeling a bit better but their attitude spolied it for me.

AIBU to think turning up 12 minutes late isn't that bad?!

Personally I'd have just had a drink with my DH while I waited rather than angrily looking out the window/at my phone.

OP posts:
Catterpillarwithconverse · 29/12/2022 18:55

12 minutes late when you've got kids is nothing and you messaged. I'd probs want to bring it up with them again to manage their expectations...something like....I know how annoyed you were about us being late despite me messaging you to let you know. We were late because XYZ and I can't promise this won't happen again. I would appreciate you being more understanding next time.

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 29/12/2022 18:55

Aprilx · 29/12/2022 17:38

I do think being 12 minutes late is “that bad” it shows you think your time is more important. It sounds like they over reacted however but you over reacted even more if you were too angry to speak just because somebody spoke up about your tardiness.

No it doesn’t show your time is more important. It shows someone who’s clearly aimed for the specific time and has minor delays.

If it was 30, 40, 50mins late then I’d agree with you. 5/10 minutes late could mean that you underestimated the length of the journey or anything along those lines. Sometimes you can tell when people really don’t care about others and making them wait but this really doesn’t seem like one of those moments

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 29/12/2022 18:56

I hate being late. I hate other people being late. I'm the kind of person to be stupidly early. BUT if somebody texted me to say they were running late (and I knew they were bringing kids), I'd be grateful they had let me know and simply settle down to wait. It's the people who dont inform me that annoy me!

SuperHandss · 29/12/2022 18:57

YANBU. Things happen. People are late. The lack of empathy and understanding from your parents is bizarre.

MyPurpleHeart · 29/12/2022 18:57

You have my sympathy OP. My DM is exactly the same. I've been travelling to the restaurant before due to meet at 12, at 12.01 (just around the corner so about to come into view) she called me and screamed down the phone at me WHERE ARE YOU!!! Massive overreaction. Then told me to walk into the restaurant first so I can apologise for being late. I told her to jog on and if she carried on DH and I would be getting back in the car and going home.

Sometimes things happen to make you late. As long as it's not every time and you have a legit reason I really don't see the problem. Especially as I had to hear about it for the entire meal and then some!

Piggleton · 29/12/2022 18:58

People who claim that being late just shows how little you care for others are talking absolute shite! My lateness is mine and although it is a human flaw (there being much worse to have), I can assure you it has nothing to do with you…it is a reflection of me. If you know and love me, you’ll understand. We are talking here about a few minutes here and there….not blatantly hours late!

whatisforteamum · 29/12/2022 19:00

I think lateness is rudeness but wouldn't be cross with a text and dcs in tow which is understandable.
I think dm was embarrassed even though the table wasn't being turned over like a busy weekend one would be.
She still felt the pressure so over reacted when she could ve ordered a drink or she may have been hangary.

TorviShieldMaiden · 29/12/2022 19:01

I hate lateness. It brings our anxiety in me. I’d have been really annoyed but I wouldn’t have said anything. I think 12 mins for a restaurant booking is pretty late. I would likely have been there 15 to 30mins early to make sure I wasn’t late .

I’ve never understood how children are an excuse. I have two, one with SEND and I’m almost never late.

it was an overreaction to say something out loud though.

woodhill · 29/12/2022 19:03

MyPurpleHeart · 29/12/2022 18:57

You have my sympathy OP. My DM is exactly the same. I've been travelling to the restaurant before due to meet at 12, at 12.01 (just around the corner so about to come into view) she called me and screamed down the phone at me WHERE ARE YOU!!! Massive overreaction. Then told me to walk into the restaurant first so I can apologise for being late. I told her to jog on and if she carried on DH and I would be getting back in the car and going home.

Sometimes things happen to make you late. As long as it's not every time and you have a legit reason I really don't see the problem. Especially as I had to hear about it for the entire meal and then some!

Yes totally ridiculous

I would have been the same

FlirtyMelons · 29/12/2022 19:04

I hate being late and think it's quite rude, it's a pet hate for me for sure! However, 12 mins for dinner wouldn't worry me really. I would message if I was going to be more than a min or 2 late as that's just polite. Their reaction was very extreme.

Sparkletastic · 29/12/2022 19:08

My parents would never give me a hard time over something like this, and I would never do that to my kids either. Shit happens. Your parents sound uptight. I'd be seeing less of them.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2022 19:11

What actually happened once you'd arrived, OP? Did they sit there with cats bum mouths, fuming while greeting DGC through gritted teeth? How did you get over the awkward atmosphere?

aloris · 29/12/2022 19:13

They are the kind of people who get there early. If you are 12 min late, they have prob been waiting 30 min. It can be hard to get places on time with kids, but if they are like this then you just have to go with it. When you have small children (or, just, any children) then being on time means planning your entire day a certain way. If you want to be somewhere at noon, you have to plan the schedule from before breakfast to ensure you leave lots of time for the inevitable things that happen when children are around. In my case, I make sure to be very infrequent about meeting people who are like this, as I find the stress of having to be on time when children are in tow, ruins my day. It's a lot easier when you are one adult on your own. Got somewhere to be? You just get up and go.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/12/2022 19:15

It baffles me why people need to ask the dm bots on mn for advice on such simple matters.

They were clearly being dicks can’t believe anyone would see it any other way.

Canthave2manycats · 29/12/2022 19:16

KousaMahshi · 29/12/2022 17:43

It's often neither, don't be a dick

Show quote history

@KousaMahshi - couldn't agree more! It's often unavoidable.

I'm someone who struggles to be on time - no matter how much time I assign to getting ready/there, I always seem to be dashing out at the last minute. I don't actually want to be late - I hate it in fact. I'm by no means always late, but it happens. It's just a personal flaw I happen to have - I don't value my time more than anyone else's and I'm not being rude or disrespectful. I will always message if I am running late and I don't mind in the least if someone else is - I might get annoyed if it was half an hour or something and I didn't know whether the person was still coming.

@Coffeeandtveasily your parents were totally and utterly unreasonable. I'm sure it was a 'fun' lunch... do they have form for this? If they are so anal perhaps they should just go to visit you?

GoT1904 · 29/12/2022 19:16

Eeeesh, I don't think it's a big deal? Everyone ever has experienced being late. Whether it is due to children, inclement weather, traffic, etc. It just happens. YANBU. It's just a fact of life.

I detest being late. I really hate it. But I've certainly experienced being late.

Crackof · 29/12/2022 19:17

They overreacted to your lateness, you overreacted to their overreaction....

So angry you could hardly speak? Come on! Everyone here is behaving the same.

Hellybelly84 · 29/12/2022 19:19

Complete over reaction by them! Are they aware of all the problems in the world and anything outside their little world?! We have often been late for lunches with parents (due to last min things with the kids). We always text/call and always flexible (tell them to have a drink, order if they are hungry etc).

Also, alot if the older generation never did restaurants/pub lunches etc with kids when they were raising them so really aren’t in a position to judge being a couple of minutes late. Tell them to relax and enjoy the 12 minutes of peace before the noisy ones arrive! 😀

roseretrox · 29/12/2022 19:21

It depends, did they pay for or book the table? They’d be liable for no shows as per the restaurant policy.

not the same situation but one of my friends is always about 30 minutes late to dinner as she’s too busy getting dolled up. She even was late to her birthday meal, where the restaurant refused to let her in and charged her for the table. When I’ve booked the table and she’s late, I do get irrationally angry because what if I’m out of pocket due to her actions eg the establishment charges me as a result

CheesesandWines · 29/12/2022 19:21

It seems the elderly generation can't cope with a small amount of lateness here. It's not a formal meeting, it's a family meal! They should have took the opportunity to order some drinks .

KousaMahshi · 29/12/2022 19:22

CheesesandWines · 29/12/2022 19:21

It seems the elderly generation can't cope with a small amount of lateness here. It's not a formal meeting, it's a family meal! They should have took the opportunity to order some drinks .

Who said they were elderly, and why would that have anything to do with it?

FlissyPaps · 29/12/2022 19:23

TorviShieldMaiden · 29/12/2022 19:01

I hate lateness. It brings our anxiety in me. I’d have been really annoyed but I wouldn’t have said anything. I think 12 mins for a restaurant booking is pretty late. I would likely have been there 15 to 30mins early to make sure I wasn’t late .

I’ve never understood how children are an excuse. I have two, one with SEND and I’m almost never late.

it was an overreaction to say something out loud though.

If you have anxiety then you should understand others who also have anxiety, ADHD or OCD who may have patterns of behaviour that affects time keeping, and be able to show a little empathy.

Well done for never being late with kids. Parent of the year 🏅

iknowhimsowell · 29/12/2022 19:24

Totally overreacting. I am early to everything, I hate being late. But if I was ten minutes late to a meal with my parents when I had young children I wouldn't think anything of it and neither would they. Especially if I'd told them I'd be a bit late. Because this is what reasonable people do.

Scrumbled4 · 29/12/2022 19:26

I absolutely can’t stand the holier-than-thou twats who think that anyone who dares be late to meet them “thinks their time is more valuable than mine”. Get a grip! People are late and it’s fine. I don’t know why people can’t seem to be anywhere on their own for five mins without having a meltdown about it. The world doesn’t revolve around you, no-one is ever late on purpose.

MorningMeditation · 29/12/2022 19:26

At least it’s 12 minutes OP. If I was picking my mum up to go food shopping or similar and arranged it for 10am, if I turned up at 10.03, it would be an issue. It would be pointed out, she’d be waiting on the doorstep of her house, face like thunder and I’d have comments about it all day. 😅

When my children were babies/toddlers, she’d turn up 15 minutes early and huff and puff that we didn’t have shoes on ready to go. Anyone with young kids knows those last 15 minutes are often used for going to the toilet, changing a nappy, getting a bag ready etc.

With us, there was a lot of other issues and as time went by, I just said if you’re going to whinge about a few minutes then let’s just not bother. A few minutes can be a nappy needing changing, the cat arrives home and needs feeding, someone phoned unexpectedly etc. I don’t see my parents at all now, not due to this but I’m glad to be rid of that part.

YANBU, things happen. You text and let her know. I’d either stop doing things with her or tell her if she doesn’t stop, you’re leaving. Take the kids elsewhere.