Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM's reaction to being 12 mins late

328 replies

Coffeeandtveasily · 29/12/2022 17:34

My DH, my two children and I were due to meet my parents at a local restaurant today for lunch.
It's a very relaxed, family friendly restaurant. It was really quiet, with loads of available tables.
Due to one thing and another we turned up 12 minutes late. I messed my DM to say we were running late and would be there soon.
We saw them sitting at the window as we arrived. My Dad looked furious. My DM was looking at her phone with a face like thunder.
My DM said "Oh you're finally here! You're late!" I said "10 minutes late! We're here now."
They both had a big go at us, with my mum saying "It's lucky we weren't late or we'd have lost our table!" The restaurant was quiet, loads of available seating.
They then grumbled and made more passive aggressive comments.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. The only reason I didn't leave was because the kids were excited to be there.

I was looking forward to it after being ill and finally feeling a bit better but their attitude spolied it for me.

AIBU to think turning up 12 minutes late isn't that bad?!

Personally I'd have just had a drink with my DH while I waited rather than angrily looking out the window/at my phone.

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 17:59

I have two scenarios in my head. Both extreme ends but just filling in the blanks for the shits and giggles

  1. OP texts her DM flippantly- "soz mum gna be late. Never mind. See you when I see you innit". Mum receives text and remembers all the times DD let her down and looks sadly at DD who walks in with a face like thunder.

  2. OP is really worried about being late and texts mum: "sorry mum, bit late. Lots of traffic and Nancy weed all over the carpet. Be there soon". Mum receives text and cant believe DD didnt set off last night with the family to leave enough time to spare. OP rushes in anxiously and DM sits there with a face like thunder.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2022 18:01

How up your own arse do you have to be to expect your own child and grandchildren to always be exactly on time to meet you?

But we don't know context. We don't know what usually happens. Perhaps OP always does this.

Pinkyhere · 29/12/2022 18:02

Yanbu
I reckon they got there v early and got bored, impatient and hangry.
I hate being late but for a relaxed family lunch it really shouldn't matter.
If you hadn't of sent a message I could understand them being a bit peeved.
Not pleasant for you

TheCraicDealer · 29/12/2022 18:03

I am frequently late to see my parents, although more for just calling at their house rather than meeting somewhere time sensitive. Not crazy late, but certainly 15-20mins, which is why I’m careful to say “I’ll be there around 3pm”. They’re ok about it because i’m normally on my own with DD (3yo), but there are other things where it’s just obvious they’ve completely forgotten what it’s like to share your life and plans with time theives, aka young kids. I suspect that that’s the case with your parents.

I’ve also noticed that as my parents have gotten older and, in DF’s case retired, they’ve both been less able to keep minor inconveniences/changes of plan in perspective. They just don’t remember what it’s like to have so many balls spinning at the same time. My mum was always been an anxious person but it has definitely got worse post menopause, which is why she sometimes gets fixated on things which I wouldn’t give a second thought.

FrostyFifi · 29/12/2022 18:03

@CurlyhairedAssassin the OP says in a further post:

Nope, I'm not normally late at all. It was just one thing after another today, getting the kids ready etc.

Allinadayswork80 · 29/12/2022 18:04

123woop · 29/12/2022 17:49

Just to go against the grain, I find people being early to be ruder than people being late. I wouldn't consider anything under 15 minutes "late" especially if there are kids involved!

Yes! Totally agree! I hate it when people are early. Maybe the OP’s parents were stupidly early which made the 12mins seem much longer. I get this at work with clients arriving for their appointments super early then moaning about how long they’ve been waiting!
Anyway OP YANBU

Original poster
Coffeeandtveasily · 29/12/2022 18:05

No I'm not normally late, and I text to say sorry we were running late before we were due to arrive. So if they arrived on time, they'd probably not even have finished half a drink before we arrived. But they didn't order drinks. They sat glaring out of the window/at their phone furiously despite me letting them know we were going to be a bit late.

OP posts:
GreekGod · 29/12/2022 18:10

Wow - if you were Southern European like we are and lived in a Mediterranean country, then arriving 12 minutes late is in fact early. Restaurants here generally allow people to get there 20 minutes late and if you know the owners well, you may get away with getting there about 45 minutes late. So, each culture is different. However, think there is more going on here. Its not just the 12 minutes late - there must be other things going on.

scooobie · 29/12/2022 18:10

Lateness is rude and so common in our entitled, selfish society. It’s treated like a funny personality trait, there’s literally nothing funny about waiting around for people, If you are consistently late you are consistently telling people that your time is worth more than theirs. It is easy to be on time the majority of the time if you are organised (even with the ultimate excuse - a child who gets the blame when it’s actually the parents issue).

That said, 12 mins as a one off, with a text to say you were going to late. Your parents were completely overreacting.

Jellybean23 · 29/12/2022 18:10

They were in the warm and dry, sitting down, had each other's company, could enjoy an extra drink if they wished and knew you were on your way. Life's too short to be angry over something so trivial.

donttalkaboutbookclub · 29/12/2022 18:10

Don't give it another thought, they are crazy. If they always get somewhere early, it probably seemed later than it was.

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 18:11

Aprilx · 29/12/2022 17:38

I do think being 12 minutes late is “that bad” it shows you think your time is more important. It sounds like they over reacted however but you over reacted even more if you were too angry to speak just because somebody spoke up about your tardiness.

That would be true of a business meeting but this is family where you should be welcome, where people are genuinely pleased to see you and 10 minutes one way or the other makes absolutely no difference. Especially having messaged ahead.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 18:12

scooobie · 29/12/2022 18:10

Lateness is rude and so common in our entitled, selfish society. It’s treated like a funny personality trait, there’s literally nothing funny about waiting around for people, If you are consistently late you are consistently telling people that your time is worth more than theirs. It is easy to be on time the majority of the time if you are organised (even with the ultimate excuse - a child who gets the blame when it’s actually the parents issue).

That said, 12 mins as a one off, with a text to say you were going to late. Your parents were completely overreacting.

Bit of casual generalising and some projection there

TheCallOfTheMild · 29/12/2022 18:12

I my circles 12 minutes late is pretty much normal. Your parents really over reacted.

Carolservicedeprived · 29/12/2022 18:12

Considering Southeastern won't give you any delay repay for less than 15 minutes delay, I'd say 15 mins late is not a big deal. It would only be a big deal if it related to something absolutely vital where you/your mum was going to lose a lot of money/the booking/miss the start of an event etc. Waiting for 15 minutes having a drink in a restaurant is hardly traumatic!

Offleyhoo · 29/12/2022 18:13

My mum was once furious when I was 9 minutes late to meet her because she'd been waiting half an hour ....because she'd chosen to be 20min early 🤷‍♀️
I agree with all the pp who say 12 min late fine unless it's every time or they're standing on a street corner in the rain.

Mushroo · 29/12/2022 18:16

They definitely overreacted!

12 mins late when you’re meeting in the centre of town is really annoying, as the person waiting is stood in the cold (for example).

12 mins late when they were sat at a table, with each other and could have enjoyed a drink is absolutely nothing, especially as you messaged to say you were running a bit late.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/12/2022 18:16

It would annoy me and I'd think it rude, unless there'd been a genuine reason as opposed to 'one thing or another'. As an isolated incident, I wouldn't comment on it.

SnowlayRoundabout · 29/12/2022 18:21

Traffic's bad currently with limited public transport, OP had children to wrangle, it's a holiday, she isn't normally late, and the restaurant wasn't busy. In that context 12 minutes really wasn't that dreadful, and certainly not worth spoiling the entire meal.

Wigglefish123 · 29/12/2022 18:23

Being late is rude and a pain in the arse ….. however being late and not letting someone know you’re going to be late is the worst…..everyone can be late at times especially if you have young kids but you txt/phone to say you’re going to be late and as long as it’s not a place where you will lose your reservation etc then it’s not an issue….. you need to tell them to get a grip and install boundaries

Mariposista · 29/12/2022 18:25

If you were late because you were stuck in awful traffic/behind an accident, YANBU. If you are late because your kids wouldn’t put their shoes on, you are flipping rude. So context needed.

Bs0u416d · 29/12/2022 18:26

Why is everyonne being such a d*ick about this. 12 minutes late to lunch is on time in my opinion, . it's also within the usual grace period for a reservation. This was a casual family lunch too, with children in tow. YANBU.

scooobie · 29/12/2022 18:31

Yes I know 😀

Look at it from the other side though, I am someone who is always on time and also very shy, I usually arrange to meet people for lunch/coffee etc… at a specific time and am not very confident going into places and sitting down by myself, especially on a night out. I have spent so many hours stood outside venues/walking around places waiting for people who can’t be arsed to meet me when they said they would.

CaramelizedNuts · 29/12/2022 18:32

They were probably 30 mins early hence their rage!

You were fine. You aren't a late person you messaged in good time - 12 min is fine imo

UnicornMumcraft · 29/12/2022 18:34

I wouldn’t react like your parents did (I’m more a silent seether) but I’d find you being late really stressful. If a general meet up somewhere non specific less so, but with a table booked at a set time I’d feel really self conscious that I was holding the staff up etc. Appreciate this is likely in my head and my own issue though!