Page 13 | DM's reaction to being 12 mins late

Coffeeandtveasily · 2022-12-29T17:34:07+00:00

My DH, my two children and I were due to meet my parents at a local restaurant today for lunch. It's a very relaxed, family friendly restaurant. It was really quiet, with loads of available tables. Due to one thing and another we turned up 12 minutes late. I messed my DM to say we were running late and would be there soon. We saw them sitting at the window as we arrived. My Dad looked furious. My DM was looking at her phone with a face like thunder. My DM said "Oh you're finally here! You're late!" I said "10 minutes late! We're here now." They both had a big go at us, with my mum saying "It's lucky we weren't late or we'd have lost our table!" The restaurant was quiet, loads of available seating. They then grumbled and made more passive aggressive comments. I was so angry I couldn't speak. The only reason I didn't leave was because the kids were excited to be there. I was looking forward to it after being ill and finally feeling a bit better but their attitude spolied it for me. AIBU to think turning up 12 minutes late isn't that bad?! Personally I'd have just had a drink with my DH while I waited rather than angrily looking out the window/at my phone.

HangingOver · 31/12/2022 14:52

Christ I wouldnt even notice if whoever I was meeting was 12 mins late!

sue20 · 31/12/2022 14:57

Abitofalark · 31/12/2022 14:29

In a country where people think nothing of turning up 20 minutes before the agreed time, arriving 12 minutes late is pushing your luck. Five minutes' grace at the very outside is what you can expect to get away with without winding up the anxious early birds into a fury of impatience and disappointment. Ten minutes or more is catastrophic and may signal an end to the relationship or a simmering hostility that will forever blight relations between you.

If you'd been in a country such as Ireland or France, turning up half an hour after the appointed time would be perfectly welcomed and the social gathering would proceed with all due goodwill and enthusiasm for your delightful company. But this is England.

Which country are we talking about here?

sue20 · 31/12/2022 15:01

sue20 · 31/12/2022 14:57

Which country are we talking about here?

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Oh just saw last phrase. Well I live in Uk and don’t recognise the 20 min early. But if that happens by accident we all know the ETA and the given leeway of about 15 mins. Do we know which country OP is from though?

Fraine · 31/12/2022 15:03

Do you actually enjoy spending tome with them?

Because their behaviour would make me want to reduce time spent with them.

Abitofalark · 31/12/2022 15:07

"To never ever be late I'd need to turn up 30-40 minutes early just in case."
BackBeat, That's the least you could do! It's what you are supposed to do. Have you never met those people who turn up at the airport three hours in advance, just in case?

gregaliara · 31/12/2022 15:09

They were unnecessarily angry, it is a MINOR ISSUE. They made it a WAR TIME ISSUE and WHO was present to see this. THEIR GORGEOUS GRANDKIDS.

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:10

Abitofalark · 31/12/2022 15:07

"To never ever be late I'd need to turn up 30-40 minutes early just in case."
BackBeat, That's the least you could do! It's what you are supposed to do. Have you never met those people who turn up at the airport three hours in advance, just in case?

I've seen the error of my ways! Next time I'm meeting someone for lunch I'll book an airbnb across the road then hover outside the restaurant for an hour before the agreed meeting time to avoid the couple I'm meeting risking having to have a conversation amongst themselves for ten minutes!

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2022 15:19

Aprilx · 29/12/2022 17:38

I do think being 12 minutes late is “that bad” it shows you think your time is more important. It sounds like they over reacted however but you over reacted even more if you were too angry to speak just because somebody spoke up about your tardiness.

12 minutes late is that bad? Lucky you if you have kids and never been delayed. I do not have fond memories of the days when one tot has an explosive last-minute poo and needs cleaning up and a change of clothes, then tot #2 refuses to be put in the car seat, has a screaming fit and throws up…..

sue20 · 31/12/2022 15:30

woodhill · 29/12/2022 17:56

I thought you were going to say that

Do they have lots of time on their hands

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Yes here we have it. Actually I was brought up to understand that it’s rude to arrive early, particularly to an event at someone’s house. This partly explains the phrase “fashionably late”. I don’t appreciate early arrival from people to my house in fact I expect a considerate 10 minute beyond. And age wise I’m well beyond half a century

Abitofalark · 31/12/2022 15:33

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:10

I've seen the error of my ways! Next time I'm meeting someone for lunch I'll book an airbnb across the road then hover outside the restaurant for an hour before the agreed meeting time to avoid the couple I'm meeting risking having to have a conversation amongst themselves for ten minutes!

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You've got it! The hidden iron rule of social etiquette and recipe for correct order.

sue20 · 31/12/2022 15:38

Firstworldprobs · 30/12/2022 20:10

Did you actually apologise at any point?

They did overreact, but it also looks like you didn’t apologise for being late, which may have been all they needed?

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we don’t know if text included “sorry “ it usually does in those situations. However I would take the text alone as an apology which shows concern and consideration. It really sounds like DPs don’t get out much. Especially to an eating place.

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 15:45

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 13:54

You're actually wrong. Normal people have some leeway built in to arrival times. 10 minutes shouldn't even register in that situation, especially when you've been warned by text.

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I’m actually not wrong. If you’ve said ‘let’s meet at 1pm’ then you arrive late, that’s rude. If you want to arrive with leeway then you should arrange to meet ‘between 1 and 1.20.’ Normal people say what they mean.

sue20 · 31/12/2022 15:45

BirmaBrite · 29/12/2022 20:35

My DM is perpetually early, she will set off with an hour to spare incase of hold ups and then think anyone arriving more than 5 minutes late as being really late because she has been sitting waiting for ages pre the arranged time. So meeting someone at 12 would mean being there at 1140, she doesn't take into account that a lot of people think 12 means 12 or very close to 12 and so would see someone arriving 12 minutes late as 30 minutes late.

Yes but actually I think you might not even get seated at restaurant table if you were significantly early. One reason people often say to meet at the bar. It’s all silly time should just be a guide in this situation.

sue20 · 31/12/2022 15:54

ellyeth · 30/12/2022 20:11

12 minutes is nothing, especially as you had warned them you would be a bit late. I think a lot of people on here are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think it's a real shame that you had been looking forward to this after being ill, and that is the way your parents behaved. My parents weren't perfect but I can't imagine them making such a fuss over something so trivial.

If it were me I wouldn’t let it go I’m afraid. Their behaviour was very rude whatever their stated reason . Even if you were half hour late it is still very bad etiquette to affect the meal and greetings. If they wanted to make the point another time just to you would have been the most appropriate. The children presumably had to observe this display of bad manners by them.
I would let them know this and also not engage in future arrangements without the apology.

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:55

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 15:45

I’m actually not wrong. If you’ve said ‘let’s meet at 1pm’ then you arrive late, that’s rude. If you want to arrive with leeway then you should arrange to meet ‘between 1 and 1.20.’ Normal people say what they mean.

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There is nuance to the Engish language. I think it's fairly obvious there's leeway in meeting times - do you time it to the second? Or do you tell people that you'll arrive from 1 to 1.02pm? If not then you understand that when someone says 1pm there's a certain leeway on that. The amount of leeway depends. A doctor's appointment I'd expect zero leeway and always arrive very early (since they're rare I don't waste huge amounts of time). If I'm meeting someone for a playdate in the park on a cold day I'd give less leeway than a couple who could sit perfectly happily in a warm restaurant.

HallieM93 · 31/12/2022 16:10

F*ck the weird comments about getting there early to ensure you’re not late, when you have a kids you’re on there time and if people want to see them they’ll wait. It’s not a work meeting for crying out loud, how pathetic!!!

BeyondMyWits · 31/12/2022 16:14

Thread has made it onto Mirror news, coming up on my Facebook now

TheUnconsoled · 31/12/2022 16:33

YANBU A delay of anything up to 20 minutes or so could be caused by traffic or a late bus or train or kids losing their shoes or a sudden ... and is perfectly reasonable and within any normal social expectations - especially if you texted as well. Your parents are being uptight and hysterical. Have they never been a little late for an event or meet-up?

woodhill · 31/12/2022 16:50

@sue20

Yes I prefer people being slightly late than early😀

zingally · 31/12/2022 17:44

Big over-reaction.

BUT, are you often just a little bit late? Those 5-10 minutes here and there add up.

Devora13 · 31/12/2022 19:19

Most restaurants will hold the table for 10-15 minutes anyway. If it was booked in my name I would have phoned the restaurant ahead to let them know we were delayed, but since your parents were there...Some people are uptight about punctuality, they're your parents so I guess you know if that's the case. Easier to be punctual when you don't have children to organise.

Devora13 · 31/12/2022 19:28

Oh, and perhaps they are really bored with each other and 12 minutes in each other's exclusive company was like 12 minutes in hell? 😁

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 19:38

BackBeatTheWord · 31/12/2022 15:55

There is nuance to the Engish language. I think it's fairly obvious there's leeway in meeting times - do you time it to the second? Or do you tell people that you'll arrive from 1 to 1.02pm? If not then you understand that when someone says 1pm there's a certain leeway on that. The amount of leeway depends. A doctor's appointment I'd expect zero leeway and always arrive very early (since they're rare I don't waste huge amounts of time). If I'm meeting someone for a playdate in the park on a cold day I'd give less leeway than a couple who could sit perfectly happily in a warm restaurant.

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If I agree to meet at 1pm I am there by 1pm. If I want to arrive in between 1-1.20 I would say ‘let’s meet around 1/half 1. My point was that your statement that ‘normal people’ say 12 but automatically mean anytime after 12 is incorrect. Most people mean the time they say - otherwise you might as well just show up whenever you want.

As I said, it’s still not an awful terrible thing, but it is rude and I can see why it could be annoying if op showed up with the breezy attitude if ‘yes I’m late, so what’ or if she does it regularly.

lieselotte · 31/12/2022 19:44

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 00:01

How do those of you who find it rude, selfish etc. to be 12 minutes late always manage to be exactly on time? Not 10-15 minutes early, but arrive at your destination at precisely the arranged time, because you are obviously so superior that you manage to always time it so that you arrive at exactly the arranged time, whatever the circumstances.

I said further up, I'll eg get the train before the one I need to get. If I think a journey will take 20 minutes, I'll give myself 30. If I need to get to the airport, I add on an extra hour. That doesn't mean I don't come unstuck on occasion, but it's very very rare. You plan ahead, you get things ready the night before. And yes, it does mean that if I am meeting someone for lunch I might be too early and have to wander around the shops for a bit.

I've missed a flight once in my life, and that was when the Tube got stuck and despite being one stop away from the airport two hours before the plane was due to take off, I didn't get into the terminal building until 5 minutes before!

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 20:56

Just to clarify, because some people seem to have misunderstood my post, I am perfectly aware of how to arrive early, or by a certain time. I am certainly not 'incredulous' that people can get to places on time. My point was that those people who are never even a few minutes late meeting family or friends must actually aim to arrive early, unless they have some special ability, that others don't, to always arrive on the dot. Yes, I was being facetious.