To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I feel really confused

However one thing that is more clear; I am more and more certain though that i should of had an apology from my dad and I think that would have helped. I think he should of apologised to my mum too. For being so sneaky hiding OW in the initial period after leaving, and then for coming back and then leaving again.

Is it ever too late ? Is too much water under the bridge ?

I don't think it is too late, the apology may not necessarily mean that the situation changes massively but it may be the start of you being able to heal.

Any apologies between your Mum and Dad are between them though, that needs to be kept separate from anything between you and your Dad.

Take it slowly, whatever you decide.

You don't tell them the details as it isn't their business. (Unless he is beating the shit out of you in front of them.)

Also most teens and 20-somethings aren't stupid so can work out timelines for themselves when they are mature enough and are also able to understand both their parents are infallible.

Unfortunately you seen to lack understanding of the last point.

What goes on between your mum and your dad is none of your business.

For all you know your dad could have already apologized to your mum while your mum's response was to act like a victim and to alienate you against him.

Again though, why does he need to apologise?

he came back at your mums request to try and make it work. It didn’t. Why does he need to apologise? He was the one who came back and tried, it was as much your mums fault for asking him. Has she apologised to you for her part in it?

what if your supposition isn’t correct and there was no overlap, and he wasn’t “hiding” an OW. Once he’d left he was entitled to date who he wanted. If he wasn’t seeing an OW why would he think to apologise for it?

before expecting apologies for things you only have your (sorry, but utterly deranged) mother’s version of, you probably should speak to your dad.

HVe you seen a therapist about this op?
Maybe talking to a professional will help you move forward
You were a child
You cannot know the full details

This.

OP I wonder how were you treated by your father when he left. You say you saw him at weekends or every other weekend - can't remember. Were you completely welcomed into his new life? Did you have your own room or things in his house? Did he treat you equally to his other child? Did he invest in your life, not just financially? Did he take you to school and educate you himself. Did he support your mother in your upbringing financially and in other ways? On the whole did you feel you were a priority in his life after he moved in with his new girlfriend? I wonder if there's a bigger picture and this is really where the problem is.

OP I wonder how were you treated by your father when he left. You say you saw him at weekends or every other weekend - can't remember. Were you completely welcomed into his new life? Did you have your own room or things in his house? Did he treat you equally to his other child?

he was in a shared house so how would she have her own room?

when o/p stopped seeing him he had no other children.

he invited o/p to meet his nee girlfriend and include her in his life, but her mum gatecrashed and walloped him before the introductions were made.

^However one thing that is more clear; I am more and more certain though that i should of had an apology from my dad and I think that would have helped. I think he should of apologised to my mum too. For being so sneaky hiding OW in the initial period after leaving, and then for coming back and then leaving again.

Is it ever too late ? Is too much water under the bridge ?^

OP it's never too late. It's likely that your dad has a lot of regret, he has made the effort to keep communication open with you so it's likely he will welcome contact but take it slow, don't go in looking for apologies from anyone initially. You've had perspectives on past events through this thread which have kickstarted you thinking differently. Take the time to process. If you do go looking for contact with your dad, listen and keep an open mind for at least the first few times you meet. Try hard not to judge in the moment. People are flawed and they make bad decisions - that doesn't mean they intend for the fallout to hurt those they love. I doubt your dad thought he wouldn't get to see you grow up when he left. Perhaps your mum thinks she was in the right with the decisions she made. Don't make that you never had an apology at the time a stumbling block to rebuilding your relationship with your dad.

“I think he should have apologised to my mum too.”

How do you know that he didn’t?
And if he did and she says he didn’t - how would you ever trust her version?

“I think he should have apologised to my mum too. For being so sneaky hiding OW in the initial period after leaving, and then for coming back and then leaving again”

He didn’t want to be with your mum - he was seeing someone else and has left her once. Why do you think he came back? It certainly wasn’t because the OW didn’t want him. Surely the most likely reason is that he didn’t want to lose you. How would you feel if that’s the case? If the thing you’re holding most against him was the thing that showed how hard it was to go? If you’re big thing that you wanted him to choose you over the OW actually happened? Initially, until he found it untenable remaining at home with your mother?

I think sometimes a "I'm so sorry that you got so hurt" goes longer than people realise.

“If it was an affair though or other shitty behaviour then I can't say I would not ever tell them details though to be honest.”

Sometimes it is appropriate, necessary, or inevitable thar children know what has happened.

But it is never appropriate for a parent to involve the child in theorising, or evidence searching - or making them witness one parent physically assault the other.

Bloody hell OP. You need to let go! As someone who was in the same scenario you have to realise your dad was human. He may have been happy with your mum but sometimes life happens, affairs happen. He is still with this woman. Who is to say he would have been with your mum.
Your mum says that they were happy but your dad obviously was not!
You need to let go as this will eat you up. Whether you see him or not is up to you but let go!

My sister did this when her husband left her. Made it about herself as usual and gave her children an ultimatum: either her or their Dad. She is very toxic and bad mouthed him to the point they had to choose her otherwise their lives would have been miserable.

All this, he left your mother not you is absolute bullshit. If he was leaving the wife, not the family why didn’t he take his kids with him?

If she’s not much of an abusive, witch he can’t bear to be with her any more, why did he leave his kids in that situation? It’s such a fucking cop out.

Firstly the only child he had was the OP.

Secondly he moved into a house share.

Why would you take your daughter to live in a house share, possibly with strange men, when she had a bedroom with her other parent?

This is a ridiculous, childish comment. She didn't have to be abusive for him to want to leave her, and he'd have to be a selfish arsehole to just "take" the child away from their home and mother to live in a house share with him. That is clearly not in the best interests of the child and is a ridiculous thing to expect in order to prove his commitment to his kids. The leaving parent cannot just "take" the kids and nor should they. Leaving but putting plans in place to share custody is the normal and appropriate thing to do when separating.

I’m sorry, I thoroughly disagree and again. If the person is so dreadful to live with it’s actually abusive to leave them in the situation isn’t it?
So basically he bailed and left his child to deal with the shit as so many of them do. Its pathetic.

It’s the current normal thing to do that doesn’t make it the correct and the appropriate thing to do. Especially if there isn’t any abuse and no immediate danger, you get your ducks lined up and then you take your children wherever you go you don’t leave them. Otherwise this is precisely the scenario you end up with 25-30 years later

It’s the current normal thing to do that doesn’t make it the correct and the appropriate thing to do. Especially if there isn’t any abuse and no immediate danger, you get your ducks lined up and then you take your children wherever you go you don’t leave them. Otherwise this is precisely the scenario you end up with 25-30 years later

So explain why you think that by default she should have left her childhood home and lived permanently with dad. Does mum not factor into it?

No, it isn't. People can not get along without either of them being abusive.

I am not judging as if the same happened to me I don't know how I would react- but you need to read back your post objectively. You are a mum now - can you imagine if your child at the age of 10 was involved in discussions about your marriage break down? You wrote in your piece 'we' had our suspicions about another woman.....really? Your 10 year old self had suspicions or did an adult discuss their suspicions and feelings with your 10 year old self?

Ok well he isn’t psychic, you need to tell him this if it matters to you