To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Your gran as an adult knew your dad was unhappy in his relationship with your mum and many other things besides. Some of these things we don't know because you don't know.

Your mum hasn't been completely truthful to you and has emotionally abused you in the process.

Even if you get therapy and speak to your dad he is likely to never reveal what exactly went on between himself and your mother simply because it none of your business. The exact goings on in their relationship is only their business and no one else's.

Your dad didn’t leave you he left your mum and he was allowed to do that

you have been very foolish holding into your resentment for all these years as it is literally like drinking your own poison

in your mothers shoes I would have done all I could to ensure you remained in touch with your dad. Although you cannot see it she has contributed to you feeling this way enormously

And your father wasn’t happy even if your mum was

@jesseastmids oh OP your mum was so badly hurt when he left and her way of dealing with it was to try and turn people against him to share in her hurt and hurt him all the more. And that included his own mum and daughter. And if they didn’t comply then indeed she was disgusted. You were young so of course went along with it. Of course his own mother wouldn’t! It’s awful she manipulated you like that. She was thinking of herself only.

I agree with @TheYummyPatler that you will also need help thinking through how to handle your mother if you contact him because she is not going to like it at all.

oh OP your mum was so badly hurt when he left and her way of dealing with it was to try and turn people against him to share in her hurt and hurt him all the more. And that included his own mum and daughter. And if they didn’t comply then indeed she was disgusted. You were young so of course went along with it. Of course his own mother wouldn’t! It’s awful she manipulated you like that. She was thinking of herself only

think about it o/p. You were 10. Watching your mum cut anyone and everyone out of her life that had anything to do with your dad. She was violent towards him, verbally and physically.

now what 10 year old is going to watch all that and consciously decide to keep seeing their dad? You will have absorbed the clear message that if you keep seeing your dad your mum will be “disgusted” at your behaviour and cut you off as well.

this is a well known form of emotional abuse. It’s not even directly abusing the victim, but by abusing others in front of them they stay in line because they don’t want to incur the same abuse. Plus it makes them feel special that they’ve been singled out for “nice” treatment and will do anything to stay in that favourite zone.

i would like to know what you think your mums reaction would be if you did see your dad. It will tell you a lot. It is your choice to see your dad, nothing to do with her, but is part of the reason you won’t see him because you’re scared of her reaction?

It’s irrelevant that when your mum left your elder brothers’ dad she took your brothers with her so morally that made it ok, because the fact remains that one parent took a decision which meant their child(ren) were deprived from living full time with both their mum and their dad. In your brothers’ case your mum made the decision, in your case your dad did - either way the outcomes for both you and your brothers were the same in that you all grew up in “broken” homes because one parent put their own desires above their children growing up in a “together” family.

It also appears that the timeline around your own mum becoming pregnant with you, and your dad’s new girlfriend becoming pregnant with your younger sibling, seems pretty similar so whilst you are disgusted by your dad’s insensitivity around timings your mum seems to have done the same.

I know you’ve not been interested in hearing your dad’s side but you’ve spent 2/3 of your life living within the shadow of your mum’s fury with your dad. You really do have no idea whether her anger is proportionate in relation to the wider dynamic of the their relationship during and since they were together - for all we know she could have got together with your dad when she was still with your brothers’ dad and she simply reaped what she sowed.

My father was physically and emotionally abusive so I used to idolise my mother because she was an angel bringing happiness and comfort to my otherwise miserable childhood; as an adult it was devastating to recognise that the person who I’d always perceived as my joy and my refuge and my sanctuary had actually failed to protect me and was therefore, albeit in a different way, as responsible for my childhood suffering as much as my father was. It’s really hard to get your head around the idea that your “best friend” didn’t always put her children’s needs above her own because it challenges everything you ever believed about her love for you. I’m not saying for one second that your dad handled the situation well but everything you say about how both he and your mum have behaved since they separated seems at odds with the dad = villain, mum = innocent victim narrative that you’ve taken as the absolute truth from your mum since 10yo you had your family life blown apart (just as your older brothers did when your mum left their dad). I’m assuming your DH is seeing the situation more objectively hence him thinking you might benefit from making contact with your dad so maybe with his support it’s something you could consider, even if only to confirm for yourself that your opinion on your dad is genuinely yours and not your mother’s.

Oh lovely. You really have been alienated by your mum. She couldn’t see past her own pain. It’s sad for you, everything you’ve missed out on. It wouldn’t have been the same as your parents being together of course, but it could have been so so different for you if she could have separated her own feelings as a rejected partner from yours as a daughter and granddaughter.

Your mum has no idea whether your gran gave her son the bollocking of his life, and was frosty towards the OW. But of course she didn’t cut him out! He’s her son - you’re a mum now, can you imagine cutting your child off? He did a really shitty thing - but it’s hardly an unusual shitty thing.

Your mum couldn’t have handled this worse, than if she’d read a book on How To Make Divorce Hard for Your Children 😕

That slap from your mum…

She had suspected the affair all along. It wasn’t a sudden revelation. And yes, it will have been a punch to the gut to have it confirmed. But, that happened by phone or text you say.

So she quite deliberately came along at your next contact, after having time to process the confirmation of what she knew all along.

That slap wasn’t an out of character spur of the moment act - like it might be if she came home to him packing his bags to leave her, a shock. That was a calculated move.

You didn’t need “moral support”. Even if your mum had chosen to tell you he had left due to an affair (and sometimes that’s the right thing to explain) she absolutely did not need to tell you when she discovered that she was right all along. Even then, if she did, she would only have been confirming what you knew… so why would you need support?

She engineered meeting him, used your time with him, to deliberately and quite possibly with planning, assault him.

Another poster upthread said that you are foolish - I just wanted to say I don't think you are foolish at all. It's incredibly painful to re-examine what you were taught in childhood by the person you most loved, and to come to terms with the idea that they might have, intentionally or not, done you harm. It's a sign of strength and courage that you are starting to think more deeply about the topic.

I actually feel sorry for you. You have been manipulated by your mum really badly. Your Dad did not leave you, he left your mum. He has clearly tried for many years, arguably not hard enough, to keep up a relationship. It sounds like your mother has dripped poison in her childs ear for years. Surely at 25 you must be able to see it is unreasonable for your mum to expect your grandmother to fall out with her own son! You might not like it but he was allowed to leave your mum and find someone else, people do it all the time. If you had a mother who could see past her own bitterness you would have been a lot better off.
I would seriously suggest counselling to help you understand and move on even if you don't wish to see your dad.

My family situation is very complicated with affairs, remarriages step and half siblings and all I will say is that this can eat you up if you let it. Think about what you want for your family and make that. Don’t dwell on the past, let it go.

Similar happened in my family with my uncle leaving his wife and two children of a similar age for an OW. My aunt refused to let the children see their dad, sent back presents and cards from my Nan unopened and destroyed. My uncle used to go round to collect my cousins and they would be crying and screaming and refusing to see him.

He could and should have fought harder but thought as his children hated him so much it was the right thing not to push for contact.

Fast forward 10 years and my cousin came out the blue to my grandads funeral, crying her eyes out. It'll became clear at the funeral she had been told a lot of lies about her dad.

Slowly after that both cousins started to build a relationship with him and now 20 years later they are all reconciled and have been for a long time.

My cousin actually said about her own mum that she would not believe anything anyone said to her now, meaning that she knew her own mum alienated her against her dad whom she is now very close to.

Your poor grandmother and poor you to miss out on potentially loving relatives on your dad's side. If your mum was acting in your best interests she would have been facilitating some sort of relationship with that side of the family.
Your grandmother did no wrong in not cutting off her own son. As a mum you might now see that. Maybe there's more to it and she acted badly too...e.g. didn't want to see you but if not what a waste. Don't let it define the rest of your life.

So you brought your mum for “moral support” and instead she physically assaulted your father in front of you? And you feel that’s appropriate? Surely as a parent yourself you can see how damaging and wrong that was. Your mother sounds like an absolute nightmare.

This also rings massive alarm bells… your mum cut of contact between you and your paternal grandmother because your grandmother didn’t cut her own son off for his relationship choices? Is it expected that a mother disowns her son for leaving a marriage? That’s an unreasonable expectation on the part of your mother.

Hi OP.

I haven’t posted in a few days but I’ve been thinking about you because your thread and the responses really stood out as something I know would be a hard pill to swallow. Your self confessed ‘best friend’ is being cast in a new villainous light and that must be a shock. How are you doing? How do you feel after reading responses?

Wow your mum has done a job on you!

however my mums grandchildren (my brothers children ) have stopped talking to my mum due to my brother behaviour and he fact my mum tries to help him( (addict/alcoholic).

Their mum has obviously done exactly what your mum has done and alienated her teens from our family! Pretty sick in the head to do that to your child however nieces and nephews have now seen their mum for what she is worth and don’t talk to her either! So she didn’t “win” at it all. All she did was alienate herself too.

Now that you are a mother, can you see yourself doing to your dc what your mother did to you if their father was to leave?

Or would you do anything to try and facilitate a continuing relationship between your dc and their father?

I agree with you. He was selfish. He did what he wanted. If you dont wamt amything to do with him thats your choice. He made his choices.

I don't think your dad is the only one who did wrong here, sounds like both your parents treated you unfairly, but for some reason you are taking your (unreasonable, violent) mothers side, and not giving your dad a fair hearing. That's up to you, but it does seem unbalanced. There is a lot of damage done to kids through parental alienation, and being treated as a sounding board for things which they are not mature enough to have a balanced view on, like a acrimonious relationship breakdown between their parents. Neither parent comes out of this smelling like roses. And you have half siblings you are rejecting and dehumanising, which doesn't make you come off too well here either.

Your mum sounds like a real piece of work and has clearly screwed you up with her bitterness!!! So your mum already had 2 boys and then got with your dad and had you but your dad has been crucified for leaving your mum and having more children, talk about double standards. Not to mention the fact your dad tried to maintain contact and have a relationship, he gave you money, you and your mum stalked him online and your mum projected her hurt onto you and your mum was annoyed your gran, your dads mum, didn’t cut her own son off. I think you need to re-read all your posts, stop acting like a 10 year old and get some therapy to try and undo the psychological damage your mum has caused!!!

On the surface YANBU, the choice is yours. If you are happy with the way things are now then you are doing the right thing for you.

On a deeper level you have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment which makes for a very unhappy life.

Choose wisely!

I hope that the OP has RL support, mainly in the form of her husband. I agree that there has been a lot to take on board with this thread.

I would be really, really angry and hurt and would want to lash out.

But I would like to think I would be able to rise above and still let him see our sons.

If it was an affair though or other shitty behaviour then I can't say I would not ever tell them details though to be honest.