To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Allow it ? There is no option to allow or not allow a parent to take all leave their child therefore you have two options, you stay If your children are important to you and make all the arrangements before you go or you exercise your legal right to take the child with you. Allow doesn’t come into it.
And yes, as the other post to points out, it seems the only acceptable outcome to you was that he stayed which wasn’t acceptable to him so

Your post is completely crazy.

I actually know children, well adults, whose parents fought to have them live with them. The fighting screwed them up and not the fact their parents split up.

Of course it’s crazy that’s the fucking point 🤦‍♀️

Op if your parents had been together 11 years when your dad left and you were 10 - does that mean they had only been together a very short time before your mum feel pregnant? Do you know if you were a planned baby? I ask because there is a chance your parents relationship when your dad left was not as a happy as your mum said it was,

So your mum has told you they were do happy that doesn't follow he was.

Perhaps he was unhappy but stayed for you hence no more kids. He then met the other woman n realised he couldn't carry on.

If you've cut him off then cut him off completely you're happy to take money and even ask for it. You're basically using him

I'm not saying he couldn't have dealt with it better but you don't know his side to be able to judge.

@ittakes2 I once asked if I was planned, mum said yes and I believe her. I don't think my parents were together long before getting engaged and married. Mum was early pregnant with me when they got married but they had already got engaged and booked the wedding etc. before anyone says "maybe they only got married because they was expecting" 🙄
From what I can gather I think about six months in they got married but there is that saying, "when you know you know." So why hang about?

So yeah ...dad made promises to mum to spend the rest of his life with her and look after all of us after only a short time and yet only ten years on could not keep that promise 🤷‍♀️

I’m starting to think this is a wind up. Your DM left her partner with 2 kids, married another man after 6 months of dating and was already pregnant with new man’s baby and yet feels aggrieved that the man left her and married someone else and had kids years later.

Im out, this is insane.

OP your husband knows you better than any of us and he has suggested you met with your dad. You must be thinking about it otherwise you would not have posted. You do have angst about the past - so even if you decide after seeing him to never speak to him again. Discussing things and telling him how you feel might give you closure and some piece.
Your dad obviously wants a relationship with you - your own moral compass of asking him for money has not been great yet he still wants a connection with you. He is showing you know he cares because if he didn't he would have cut you off.

From what I can gather I think about six months in they got married but there is that saying, "when you know you know." So why hang about?

Several other sayings might be better jere. For example: act in haste, repent at leisure.

@DrMarciaFieldstone

I absolutely promise that this is not any kind of "wind up" as I've said above I've not made any of this up.

I really hope you don't leave - if you do though I want to say that I do appreciate your support and kindness on this thread.

“yeah ...dad made promises to mum to spend the rest of his life with her and look after all of us after only a short time and yet only ten years on could not keep that promise 🤷‍♀️”

I know you’re hurting, but really - you sound like you’re still 10, posting that.

My XH promised not to fuck multiple other women. Well, not explicitly - I didn’t think to write it into my wedding vows 🤣
But look, 15 years on… that “🤣” is genuine.
Life happens, and it’s not always good or honourable. But it’s just life. It sounds like you’re finally going to work through the anger you have - and that’s long overdue. You don’t have to then decide to forgive him, or see him - but it’s crazy to still be so bitter this long afterwards, over something that’s not even an exciting enough plot line for a soap opera.

Why was it ok for your mum to have moved on so quickly from her previous relationship, and be expecting another child yet your dad somehow deserves to be punished for having done the same? Is there no part of you that sees the hypocrisy of how you and your mother view your dad in comparison to her own actions?

Op - your parents were engaged, pregnant and married within six months of meeting? So what are talking here - an engagement at three months after meeting? A pregnancy at four months and a wedding at six months? At what point on this six months did your mum decide to introduce your two brothers to your dad and decide he would make a great step dad to these boys?

And before this six months your mum had already had another husband and given birth to your two older brothers who have a different dad? Its interesting after the heartache of your mum's breakup with your brother's dad that she would be so quick to accept an engagement with someone she barely knew - she would have known at this point in her life that long-term relationships take work.

Op you clearly have a partner who loves you and you have two kids...if your relationship unfortunately broke down...would you consider it quite quick to meet someone new and within six months you had a) introduced your two children to this new partner and decided they would be a good step parent b) accepted their engagement proposal and planned for your two kids and you to spend the rest of your lives with this new partner c) tried for a baby, and d) gotten married. I am guessing your current husband would not be happy thinking you would have been OK with the scenario ie taking your two children and marrying someone new within six months of meeting them.

OP in life there are shades of grey...did your mum want a baby with your dad and therefore she can tell you you were technically 'planned'... but maybe while your dad had discussed the possibility of a baby he had not signed off on trying yet? Is it possible your dad felt like he had to marry your mum but didn't really want to? People don't just leave happy marriages out of the blue - it was likely your dad was unhappy for a long time and it just seemed to you like it was out of the blue. Your mum has clearly leaned on you for emotional support and discussed the details of her feelings and her marriage with you - just because your dad did not do this at the time is not a bad thing. In fact many would say he did the right thing not burdening your 10 year old self with the reasons for his unhappiness.

You do seem to be very stuck on how he promised to take care of you both for the rest of your lives...is this something your mum has said quite a lot? If this is have you ever considered it was very convenient for your mum that she found a new partner who said he was happy to take care of both her and her sons and married her within six months of meeting her?

Op I don't know - your dad could be a real plonker...but he might not be. As the Queen once said...recollections differ.

It's clear you love your mum and she has been there for you all your life...but there is a chance you are looking through this scenario through your mum's rose coloured glasses - and even only a few things you have said such have been red flags for me. Like she went with you to see your dad to give you moral support but she ended up slapping him. She put her own feelings above your need for moral support. I think your mum's anger to your dad has definitely affected your opinion of him and that is understandable as you feel loyal to your mum...but I am not sure its fair on you.

When I have to make a choice in life I tend to take the stance of would I regret it more if I did that thing or regret it more if I didn't.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

People change a lot in 10 years unrecognisably between 20 and 30 in my experience. I personally do not believe in monogamy any more. I think there’s Mr Right, or Miss Right at the time.

This whole thread is mad. Presumably you don't believe in divorce in any instance? Or just when it's YOUR dad that initiates? You hate him because he left without you but wouldn't have gone with him? So his only option is to stay in a marriage he isn't happy in? Jesus christ. Seems a lot like your mum has alienated you against him. So accept that, don't speak to him, and stop taking his money you scrounger.

Who said she was an abusive witch??

Also you surely must know that you can’t just take kids. It’s not the 1800’s mothers do have rights. Men leaving and not taking the kids but see them EOW usually indicates that they respect the child’s wish to be with their mum

So if you leave a relationship you’re orally obligate to take the kids with you no matter what the kids want?

It’s too early in 2023 to listen to such utter ridiculous bullshit

Depressing.

I've been with OH since 18.

@ittakes2

I just wanted to say I have just read your last post, the long post. Thank you for taking the time to write that as it has actually raised some serious questions with me tbh. 💐

I assume the other parent gets no say on this either.

frankly, those posts are so stupid it’s pretty much trolling.

OP I'm so pleased you've read and digested the fabulous post by @ittakes2

I think there are some very sensible questions raised in it

But my biggest take away and also something I live by **

When I have to make a choice in life I tend to take the stance of would I regret it more if I did that thing or regret it more if I didn't

I hope this thread has helped you peel back some of the layers of things that have been fed to you over the years

What a cuntish comment on a thread that seems to be helping the OP.

Reported

I hope you have taken onboard the advice on here, that basically your Dad didn't deserve to be shut out of your life the last 15 years. You've missed out on so much in that time and have siblings relationships to explore. Honestly, drop the bitterness, and embrace him and his family. You will be happier for it. Life really is too short for petty family disputes like this.

YABVU
you come across as being very bitter about this and I find it odd that as you've grown up you've not been able to view this in a mature way. Obviously when your young and an adolescent it's very easy to be "me" centred and to hold on to things but this seems to have become a poison.

He didn't leave you, he left your mum for whatever reason he obviously wasn't happy. Your mum might say they were happy, she might have been but clearly he was not. YOU cut ties with him, he did not cut them with you and the fact he has continued to send money and send emails tells me that he has never left you, never stopped loving you, isn't even angry with you. It's not a betrayal that he had other children, that's such a double standard when your half brothers don't see your mum having you as a betrayal. If they had decided they didn't want to see your mum because she left their dad and then she had you it would be the exact same situation. They chose to continue to have a relationship with both parents, you chose to cut one out. You may have been young at the time but he didn't vanish he's maintained some distanced contact with you. As an adult you now have the ability to admit where YOU were wrong and have a grown up conversation with him about repairing things. You have so much more family that can be a blessing to you if you'd only let go of such unfounded bitter hate and open yourself up to it.