To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Honestly life is too short to bear this sort of grudges with your nearest and dearest. People fall out of love. It happens. It doesn't make him bad person. I can understand showing some support to your mum at the time but I think after 15 years it's a bit petty to still take sides with your parents.

This is ridiculous. You can just not like/love someone any more, they don’t have to be abusive. Again, people ARE allowed to leave marriages.

Absolutely, they are you’re not allowed to leave your kids without consequences and that’s what these people are doing. Imagine the shoe on the other foot on a mother did it.

What ‘people’ are you referring to? Is this your own experience?

OP’s father did stay in contact, OP severed it. Based on the information we have, I’d say it’s highly unlikely that OP’s DM would have let her live with her father. This is an if odd take, tbh; whoever leaves must take the kids? 🤷‍♀️

It doesn’t need to be specifics, however, there are ways and Means of handling situations, and as i say if it’s bad enough that one parent needs to leave then it’s abusive to leave the children behind.
If it’s not bad enough to be abusive, but it’s simply fallen out of love, not robbing along well together then it’s a sit down and have a conversation and split up properly like adults which is not what happened in the OP situation at all, he simply bailed.

Many more take the cowards way out and have an affair. There will always be consequences for those actions. And you have cheated on the family as a whole when you do that, it is ridiculous to suggest that it is only the romantic or sexual partner that suffers as a result. So yes, they have left their children.

Absolutely, they are you’re not allowed to leave your kids without consequences and that’s what these people are doing. Imagine the shoe on the other foot on a mother did it.

Exactly, but you are suggesting that this is what SHOULD have happened with the mother. The leaving party must always take the kids unilaterally, meaning if it's a man they should live with dad full time and mum should not live with her kids. It's absolutely nonsensical. When you separate the two parents need to come to a custody arrangement, not have the leaving party always take the kids with them. Most would consider that grossly unfair to both the mother and the child who would more than likely prefer to stay in their home with their mother on at least a 50/50 basis, most likely more.

And what do you mean "split up properly"? Leaving, and then having your child in a regular custody agreement is splitting properly. That is what people do.

What you are basically saying is that you do agree that if you leave your spouse, you are abandoning your kids unless you whisk them away with you regardless of what's best for them. There's no other way around it where your logic actually works.

Wow, this has all messed you up. Your mum takes a large portion of the blame, treating a 10 year old as her best friend. You're her daughter. Her job is to do her best for you. That includes facilitating contact. A hurt and upset 10/11 year old shouldnt be told it's their choice whether to see her dad, when that dad (by what you've said) appears to be physically caring, to financially support his children, to try and see you often and regularly, and to include you in his life. Your right as a child is to see both parents.

There isn't any evidence that he cheater, but he may have met her and realised he wasn't happy and moved out before anything happened. But even if he cheated, he didn't cheat on you. He then moved into a shared house, so you could remain at home.

Does he owe you an apology? For not wanting to be with your mum? Because, to be honest, it comes across as your mum owes you a massive apology for how she's treated you, and your dad. Bitterness is not a good trait.

@aSofaNearYou what I am suggesting is, is that you get your ducks in a row you get your custody arrangements and your housing adequately sorted before you leave your children or you take them with you unless you are in immediate danger. That is the adult way to end a relationship. If you just fuck off, there will be consequences for your actions as per the original post and many others that have commented since.

all attempts of justifying, this behaviour are a crock of shit. We need to normalise being grown ups and put in the children first.

The reality of it is, though very few people are capable of that. And this is the mess they leave behind. Often repeatedly with several families because there’s no accountability due to post like this on Mumsnet of people handwringing and suggesting that he didn’t leave you he left your mum. No, he left the family with no plan as to how he would maintain contact or facilitate contact. ie wasnt bothered.

@Angeldelight81 “split up properly like adults which is not what happened in the OP situation at all, he simply bailed.”

You’re talking nonsense! How would you know what happened 15 years ago between a couple you’ve never met? 🤣
How do you know they didn’t have lots of conversations about it? Tried to resolve it?

I’m divorced and I certainly never told my children the fine detail of the year of soul searching, the counselling, the continued cheating… as far as they were concerned, one day their parents were married, the next day they were getting divorced. That’s not “bailed” 🙄

Oh, also- my parents split when I was 10. It was my mum who cheated. We all stayed with her, my dad, as yours did, put himself into a worse situation to keep us well. He didn't once spell out to us about what mum had done, or kick off in front of us about the new man moving in quickly, the 'new family' appearing. I know now as an adult some of what her behaviour did to him- mentally, physically and financially- , but not from him. Thats how your mum should have behaved too.

@Angeldelight81 “you’re not allowed to leave your kids without consequences”

So you think the mother was correct in creating the consequences of:

• dragging a primary school child into details of affairs, including searching online for evidence
• gatecrashing the child’s contact time to physically assault their father in front of them, in a planned move - not in the heated moment of discovery
• cutting off a grandparent
• encouraging the child to cut contact months down the line
• continuing to bad mouth the other parent

Because if you do, you’re making yourself look very silly.

I wasn’t expecting you to involve the children in the conversation, but I am expecting you as two adults to have resolved the finer details as to when they’ll be seeing daddy again or mummy. That’s called being a parent.

Absolutely, no no all of that is outrageous behaviour. And all entirely avoidable, by resolving it before pissing off not afterwards.

what I am suggesting is, is that you get your ducks in a row you get your custody arrangements and your housing adequately sorted before you leave your children or you take them with you unless you are in immediate danger. That is the adult way to end a relationship

so you leave. You are paying 20% of your wages in child support. You have no deposit of spare cash until the divorce and financial agreements are sorted. You may also be continuing to pay the mortgage on your family home until your ex gets back on her feet.

how exactly do you rent or buy a 3 bed house to house you and your kids adequately?

where does the deposit come from?
how do you afford rent and bills, CMS, any payments to your existing mortgage?

even when the divorce comes through, the only way you’ll get you’re share is to force the sale of the family home.

this is why people leaving relationships have to move back into parents, or rent a studio or shared house. There simply isn’t the money to split one family income into two equal ones.

@Notanotherusername4321 well with respect that’s all the sort of thing that you have to sort out before not afterwards. I mean it’s ludicrous isn’t it? You arent paying child-support until you’ve actually left.

And if you can’t afford to leave well that’s that you put up and shut up until you can assuming there’s no abuse and it’s not a crisis situation.

I think this is where a lot of the bitterness could be avoided you end up, spending an enormous amount on legal fees, because everything is done in the heat of the moment under duress, both sides dig in.

I’m not saying it’s easy. But there are ways and means an adult ways of splitting up that don’t cause all of this drama waste so much money and cause so much hurt to last for so long.
I’m genuinely surprised that there’s so much resistance to this. Ive seen successful uncoupling, emotional cost to all parties involved is minimised and the financial cost. There’s lots of advantages.

And you can move back into your parents house or shared places or one bedroomed studio apartments, whilst still having made the arrangements as to how you’re gonna see your kids and when.

Talk to your dad whilst you can.
once he has gone you will be extremely unhappy that you didn't ask him to talk it through with you.
you will wonder why for the rest of you life.
carrying the unforgiving emotions around is bringing you down.
let him speak,don't interrupt,plan your questions and listen.
his leaving does not mean he didn't love you.
you may go on to have your dad back in your life,you may not want to.
but for your peace of mind do it.
both your mum and dad will have their own stories as they see things,plus adding your own memories into the mix,so the truth is laying somewhere down the middle.
only you can decide to rid yourself of unanswered questions but I would urge you to ask him to meet you.
good luck.💐

Which the o/p’s dad did.

he saw her every weekend for a year until she told him she would no longer see him if he had a girlfriend.

Absurd that you still ask for money off your dad despite not liking him/not seeing him/not letting him meet your GC. Your whole story about feeling abandoned makes sense apart from this detail. So he still sends you money when you ask, he obviously hasn’t given up on his relationship with you. You’re exploiting his guilt/love and using him for money. Aren’t you embarrassed by that?

He behaved badly, but the dignified thing would have been to cut him off if you felt that way (defensive of your mum etc) - not while continuing to ask for cash off of him.

Bad enough getting handouts from parents as an adult anyway, but asking for handouts from a parent you talk trash about and refuse to see is just grim.

So it’s her father’s fault that her mother behaved atrociously (including slapping him in front her, a 10yo) and all because it wasn’t “resolved” before - when you have no idea what was discussed before.

OK.

Maybe he tried to talk to his wife and she just hit him 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are making yourself look very stupid here. Whatever he did or didn’t do to resolve it, to end it gently… in no way is he responsible for the mother assaulting him, or cutting off a grandparent, or dragging a little girl into looking for photo evidence of the OW online.

Seriously - you just can’t justify that to fit your narrative @Angeldelight81

I think you need to use “see all” and actually RTFT. Contact was in place. Shame one of the contact times included witnessing her mother assault her father.

This.

So many threads get derailed because people come on after 12 pages and start spouting off about their own issues without RTFT

@Angeldelight81

As if I'd have wanted to leave MY MUM and go off with my dad and live with whatever dick heads my dad was hanging about with. (Not to mention the fact he chose to live was 30 miles from where I had grown up and lived all my life.)

That's absolutely mental😳

@Angeldelight81

Not only would of I not wanted to - My mum would not have allowed it, and I would not allow it either if my children's dad left in the same or similar circumstances. And how cruel would it have been not only leaving but taking her child.

I've heard some mad shit on the internet but this takes the biscuit

But this attitude doesn’t align with your previous posts saying “he left us” - something you’re using as a stick to beat him with. If the alternative was leaving your mum, but taking you, so that it was absolutely clear he was leaving your mum and not you, but yet you say that wouldn’t have been acceptable then he couldn’t really win, could he?