DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

"I asked her to let DH go home earlier once. She told him I told her I didn't want him there."
Well she is not wrong is she.
You are being very selfish, one day you will be old,
He's taking his turn, which he needs to do. Good for him.

He works night shifts, and usually too shattered to hang out out after work

Maybe he doesn't enjoy your company?
You aren't coming across as particularly likeable in this thread.
Leave, find someone you are more compatible with.

Op you are coming across as an awful human being here and if you really are as bad as you are coming across I hope your children act in a similar manner towards you when you are old. It is one evening a week that he is spending with his Ill widowed mum, one evening! You get to spend a few hours with him every other evening and then all evening one day a week. Demanding more than this, and expecting the time to be taken from that he spends with his mum is quite frankly disgusting. You have no young children that you need his support with, you are coming at this from nothing but a selfish point of view. And as for his mum not getting involved in your arguments not cooking his tea...it's laughable

This is normal for people who work opposite shifts. They're like passing ships in the night. The OP and her DH's jobs are the reason they don't spend much time together. Not the one day a week he spends with his mother.

Someone who needs 24/7 care, ie quite a lot of non mobile old people.

Agreed - as I said in my first post upthread.

He doesn’t get in until 9, 10, 11 o’clock on those nights - come on.

I think you need to re-read the thread.

This is the time he starts work and she sees him every evening before he goes to work apart from one evening a week when he comes back late from his mums.

This is no different to any other couple that has no/grown up children.

Op, I’d look on the bright side if I were you - she could be living with you at this point, then how would you feel? I’d take this as an opportunity to do your own thing and let your DH look after his mum for a day a week.

@toocold54 - see above. He starts work from early afternoon, until 9/10/11pm.

They really don’t get any time together expect for Saturdays (and even then he sleeps until the afternoon, understandably).

I think I would also be inclined to sleep in your overbearing company.

Read the thread: he works nights.

He works nights!

Is this not fairly normal with elderly parents? FIL was round his mother's every single night after work to cook for her in her last 2 years of life. Including over the pandemic and lockdowns. He is only one of 2 siblings and luckily his sister was close enough to stop in every lunchtime. Presumably the alternative is getti and carers in or moving her into yours or moving her to a care home? Two are very expensive!

Sounds like you spend six days on your own, one day with your DH whereas your MIL is never alone?

She doesn't spend six days on her own, she has a job, and is also presumably working on the Thursday while her husband is away. She also said he comes home at 9/10/11 pm so it's not as though he is away all night. Due to many businesses being 7 days a week a lot of people don't have two days off together.

No she doesn't. She come back and said they have a couple of hours together most evenings apart from Wednesday and Thursday

No he doesn't. He works the afters shift and is home between 9 and 11pm

see above. He starts work from early afternoon, until 9/10/11pm.

They really don’t get any time together expect for Saturdays (and even then he sleeps until the afternoon, understandably).

I read that as he starts work between early afternoon - 9/10 and then works nights and sleeps during the day which is part of the issue as he wakes up late on a Saturday.

OP has said he works nights but finishing at 9 is not working nights.

Even if he finishes at 11 he shouldn’t need to sleep until the afternoon on Saturday.

OP also says they eat dinner and watch TV together every day before he goes to work.

There seems to be some inconsistencies.

@clantis I agree with a pp that there must be something in the water tonight! Lots of judgy vitriol.

Good luck and I hope you and your DH find a way to be able to spend more time together.

Why sit at home on your own moaning. You could go with him on Thursday to see if there's anything you can do to help her. Things like running the hoover around or changing her bedding while husband does shopping. Then DH might not be there so late.

I work 9am to 3pm
His time differs, but it's usually from early afternoon to 9/10/11pm

Oh I just saw this. He doesn't work nights. He works lates.

Ok let's break this down a bit and see what can be modified. You work 9 am to 3 pm (are you a teacher?). You said that he works from early afternoon until 9pm to 11 pm, but his precise hours differ. Let's say, 1 pm to 9 pm, or 3 pm to 11 pm. From the working hours you described, I do not see how you see him at all during weekdays, or how he could be eating dinner with you every day as he is working over dinner (tea?) hours, which I would usually list as 6-7 pm. (Are you cooking the dinner that he eats?) On what days do you eat dinner and watch tv together? If you are having a couple of humdrum hours together after work every day, then that is normal for married couples but if your only time together is literally a few hours on Saturday afternoons, then you have a legitimate complaint. It might be helpful to write down the times you see him for a week or two, just observe them in real time and keep track of them. That might help you to see where you can use that time more effectively.

What time does he usually return home from work? I think it is reasonable for you to ask that he disturb you as little as possible by coming in late from his mum's, but if he often works until 11, then I don't think you will get far asking him to get home from his mum's earlier than 11 pm. So I think you need to be consistent about that. If his usual time getting home from work is 11:30 pm, then I think it would be ok for you to ask that he ensure he is home from his mum's by 11:30 pm. If you need to get up in the morning for work, then it's inappropriate for him to come in unusually late and wake you up so he can cater to his mum. He should keep his return time to a time that allows you to get a decent night's sleep, especially as he was able to sleep in on Thursday morning at his mum's place and is likely refreshed by that. You are asking this NOT to take him away from his mum, but to respect your own need for sleep.

I am guessing that if he works until 11 pm, his regular sleep schedule is probably something like 1 am until 10 am, or 2 am until 11 am. Then it would be hard to ask him not to sleep in on Saturdays, because his body is probably used to sleeping in late. He likely is not ready to "do things together" until at least mid-afternoon, so I understand why that is frustrating for you. You would like to do fun things together, but by the time he wakes up, there is no time to do anything substantial so you just end up with dinner at home and tv. Your weekends then are a bit blah, and it also feels like he is reserving the best of himself for his mother, and giving you the leftovers. You may want to plan something fun for yourself on Saturday morning, but if he happens to wake up early he may say that he was awake and ready to hang out, but you had left. It leaves you in the position of, again, twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to wake up, so that you can be available for whatever crumbs of time he throws your way. Meanwhile, he controls the schedule and sleeps in if he wishes, or wakes up early if he wishes, and expects you to be there when he awakes, whenever that is. That is not a route to a happy marriage.

OP's husband only sees his mother once a week? He wants to visit her. She seem to want to dictate the times - it upsets her to see him leave ... he comes home too late.

He's not really doing anything wrong here - I think she should step back and let him be.

How lovely that the other DIL are helping to care for their MIL as well as her sons. I doubt she misses miss grumpy chops at all.

Don't you have every evening your husband is working at home? Of course her conversation is limited she doesn't get out ......and it sounds like she's right you don't want him there ....

His mum stays up until after midnight?