DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

I think he could’ve saying for 20 years ‘this could be her last Christmas, last Wednesday’ or whatever.

Why does she need someone there 100% of the time- can carers fill in some of the time if there is an actual need for 24 hour care?

It sounds like she needs the care so you would be very selfish to stop him helping her. Either that or he just prefers to spend time with her rather than you and there's not much you can do about that. Constantly competing with her and begging him to spend time with you just makes you seem needy.

I personally think YABU. You could also go with him occasionally??
I would. Family are important (to most) and he may only have a limited time left with his mother realistically.

Perhaps he would prefer to look after her himself one day a week than spend a fortune on carers. It's up to him.

Then all I get is a couple of hours sitting with him while he's having dinner and watching TV together. And then I'm off to bed.

But this is like every couple.

Couples who have no young children don’t spend both of their 2 days off together all of the time either.
They usually take up a hobby or meet friends, go shopping etc.
That’s the best thing about your children growing up and being independent.

If you are not happy then change your job to suit his hours but it doesn’t sound like you spend any less time with each other than other couples do.

It sounds like a circle of guilt tripping.

All the siblings are afraid to do less than another, and all apply peer pressure to meet their mother’s needs and demands.

There could be another 15 years of this.

I think it not unreasonable that the OP’s DH get home in time for the evening, if he has spent the day with his mother.

With her disabilities and age, can she get Attendance Allowance that would cover a carer or cleaner once a week?

But in the end OP, unless the BILs and SILs all agree together, it is unlikely that your DH will break free.

I'm with you @clantis. If he's going the night before he should be able to leave earlier and spend Thursday dinner/evening with you. If she needs someone to put her to bed then she needs a carer in the evenings.

No way would I expect my DC to be doing a 4 hour round trip every week to see me. Especially if they had a family at home. I didn't have kids in order for someone to look after me when I'm older.

I can understand the cultural aspect of this though although I would find such a family set up suffocating. Are you of the same culture?

Why does she need someone there 100% of the time- can carers fill in some of the time if there is an actual need for 24 hour care?

Some people enjoy their mum’s company and enjoy seeing them/caring for them.

Whaaaaat? You’re complaining that as an adult you had to cook your own meals, wash your own clothing and look after your own children?

Wow.

Cultural expectations are obviously at the heart of this issue, and I don’t think most of us posting quite appreciate that, as most of us aren’t from the OP’s culture.

OP - as an aside, the things you had to do the first year when you were married and living in your MIL’s house, we all had to do. Cook for ourselves (none of us had someone on tap to do it for us), sort out our arguments between ourselves with no third party, and look after our own children. So you won’t get much sympathy from anyone on those issues.

However - only seeing your DH one day a week is pretty poor. As others have said though, that’s more an issue with his shift work than your MIL.

It does sound like, and I’m guessing down to your culture in large part, that he’s prioritising his mother’s needs over yours. There will always be times when this might be necessary, but it shouldn’t always be at the expense of your needs.

Out of interest, OP - was your marriage to your husband set up (I’m avoiding saying ‘arranged’) by your families, or did you meet each other independently, fall in love, and he proposed? I’m just getting a bit of a vibe about your husband from your posts.

There must be something happening to the water supply with so many people piling on to you Clantis.

I perfectly understand you want to spend time with your husband, presumably that's why you married him - to spend time together. What posters are being deliberately awkward about understanding is the impact night shifts have on family life - it literally is turning your life 180 degrees. There must be a way of re-jigging the time he spends with her so you get more than 1 evening a week with your husband.

I understand why you’re a bit frustrated but this is a good thing he’s doing. It won’t be forever, he wants to spend some time with his mother whilst he can

Does anybody ever read the bloody OP?!

You sound absolutely horrible. His mother is widowed, ill and elderly and you’re begrudging him spending time with her and looking after her? Are you that needy you need him home every evening?

Read the OP's posts - that isn't remotely what she is saying.

I'm curious as to the errands in the evening? How many errands can a single octogenarian have? Can you make these things simpler by organising a shopping delivery or whatever it is that he's doing? I think YABU but if changes are to be made then it seems that him coming home earlier in the Thursday is the way forward and you need to figure out what can be done to support that.

I think he sounds so nice. He's trying his best to look after his elderly, sick and widowed mum.

Come on people - read. The information is in the OP.

The husband works shifts. The OP sees him one night a week. That’s it. One night a week.

There's always someone else taking care of her. He alternates with his brothers and SILs. Her grandson lived with her for years too.
Then that’s absolutely fair. Usually the complaint is that one sibling does all the caring. I’d be really proud and supportive if this was my DH.

She doesn't. She sees him on the other evenings for a couple of hours while he eats and watches TV. Fairly standard.

He alternates care with his brothers, and you want him home with you, presumably putting more of the burden on them? Sounds selfish to me. He sounds like a lovely son, and sometimes we need to make sacrifices when dealing with elderly family members.

I think your husband is lovely looking after his elderly mother, she wants him to stay late because she is lonely,
If you don't like that he spends so much time with her, would you consider her living with you.
I'd be so proud of my husband to be like this, his mum won't last forever. X

You are seeing this as her wanting company. Her. But he wants to spend time with her. So it doesn't matter how much the other children do, he doesn't want to see his mother less. He is aware she doesn't have many years left, and therefore he wants to spend time with her while he can. He sounds like a kind son who loves his mother and doesn't see their relationship as a chore.

I don't know why you think this woman owed you meals and washing while you lived in her house. You weren't guests. She wasn't your host. I don't know why you thought she needed to be involved in your arguments. Or why she should have been looking after your children. You have a rather strange, old-fashioned almost misogynistic, or at least unkind, view on what women/mothers are expected to do and be. They aren't there to serve their families then disappear into the distance when they get old.

He doesn’t get in until 9, 10, 11 o’clock on those nights - come on.

The clever thing to say to your husband is that you admire that he spends so much time with his mother, in fact you encourage it. BUT you would like him home at 7.30 for dinner. That’s a fair compromise I think