DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

My MIL tried VERY hard to get this kind of a set up after telling me I’d stolen away her son (he was the last to leave home)

she constantly summoning him for lifts to help with things etc etc we didn’t mind at first but she then was deliberately having ‘emergencies’ when she knew we were busy or out so when we said no she would launch an attack on me ! Now she doesn’t see him at all and it’s her own fault she’s manipulative

Well if she isn't she should be. He married her, not his mother.

I can see both sides here, I can see why he does what he does, but I really can see why this is frustrating for you! It's a real tough one.

Are there any compromises here? Could.you aks.him to be home earlier on the Thursday? Or make sure he is up early on the Saturday so you get more of a day together? Could you go with them the odd time? It's really lovely he wants to pitch in with his mum's care, but he also needs to consider his wifes feelings! Have a chat with him, tell him how you are feeling and see if you can come to an arrangement that suits everyone.

This could go on for years - she's only in her late 70's. Does she have other interests outside of the family?

Then all I get is a couple of hours sitting with him while he's having dinner and watching TV together. And then I'm off to bed. He's still sleeping when I wake up in the morning, then I'm off to work. he leaves straight after work/dinner on Wednesday and by the time he's home on a Thursday I'm in bed. I tell him to just go to hers straight from work on Wednesdays as it upsets me too much to see him leave but he doesn't. On Saturdays he sleeps in

I did but his mom asks him to run errands in the evening. I spoke to his mom and she told I asked for him not to go back. which isn't true.

So he’s that very rare bloke doing his share of caring and you slate him for it? Speechless.

You sound broken OP. I'm so sorry.

Can you work one day less or DH work one day less?

The woman who gave birth to him, raised him, and loved him all of his life shouldn't matter!? I'm glad you aren't my family, we love and care for eachother

The main problem is actually his work.
All the siblings are sharing the caring duties equally. All siblings are doing one day a week. Their mother needs care so I don't really see what can be done? Either you expect another sibling to do two days for your DH to do none. Or you expect her to go without care once a week?

If he changed jobs he wouldn't sleep all of Saturday and you'd see him all the other evenings. Or you change jobs so you see him in the mornings. Or you just suck it up and plan your Saturdays better because it won't last forever but his resentment and guilt will if he feels he's been stopped from offering his mother support in her last years.

Tbf, I would find a partner more attractive if she spent lots of time with a sick parent. It shows what a good, loyal, and faithful person someone is.

Well if she isn't she should be. He married her, not his mother.

So that means he’s not allowed to see anyone but OP?

Jeez there are so many controlling wives on here!
I can only imagine they have no friends or lives separate from their DH’s.

I can only imagine these would have very different replies if it was OP spending time with her mum every week and the DH getting annoyed.

Read your post that I quoted. You said his wife is not more important than his mother.
I didn't say his mother is not important. I said his wife is more important. I stand by that.
Especially as his mother has six people to look after her.

And you need to stop asking his mother to fight your battles for you. When you have a disagreement with him you tell on him to her. When you want him to spend less time with her you tell her to tell him not to go. I don't think you're being very fair there.

The it's worth revisiting the conversation with your husband, not your MIL, don task her, ask him. In terms of his mum's errands, he can do them earlier. There are ways around this, it isn't cut and dry - you just need a sit down conversation with him to see what can be sorted.

If he says 'she asks me to run errands late on' then you need to respond with 'right, then how can we remedy that so this works for everyone?'

Go love your mother

What a weird comment!

My husband did similar and I supported him fully even though I work full time and have dependent children. His mother since died and left his dependent sister who is now fully cared for by dh and his brother. (She lives with BIL). She will be coming to us tomorrow for a week. I am glad I married a man who cares for others.

I think it's weird but I also think it's weird that grown adults are ferried around by their parents my bf and his sibling would disagree though.

Also who the hell needs company that frequently!?

Oh dear lord get a bloody grip. A couple of hours in the evening together is pretty much normal for couples.. and getting upset when he leaves. You sound suffocating.

RTFT. Or at least OP’s posts.

Well, I have and I'm still asking who actually needs company 24/7.

You are being very reasonable. His mother sounds controlling and manipulative and he won’t stand up to her. I’m actually really sorry for you.

Yabu
You sound like a stroppy teenager, and trying to be controlling. Not a nice trait.