DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

He's the middle child

Hahahahaha.

I’m also confused, why does she need company 24/7? Why can’t she spend parts of the day alone with TV, books, puzzles, radio…?

Because him coming in at 12 or 1am disturbs the whole house

?

honestly cant stand men that never cut their apron ties from mummy.

Urrgh! I wondered when that sexist shit would rear its ugly head. Why is it always 'mummy' when a man is close to his mother but 'mum' when a woman is? 🙄

So you lived in her home for a year and you are bitching about having to fix your own food?

Sounds like a competition of who can have the most time with him. Maybe the shift pattern is the issue?

A culture where nursing homes are frowned upon and you don't expect your DH to show compassion and care to his elders?

I don't think you thought through this through OP. Best you tell us what you want us to froth over.

I think you've been cruelly and unjustly flamed OP, sounds to me like his 'primary bond' is with his mother, that's not a good thing!

Because it's ok to patronise men but not women I suppose..

Exactly. Especially since when my husband is there, he usually wakes up a lot later than her

That doesn't answer the question.

I'll ask it more clearly...

Why would you ask your MIL to send a grown adult home, instead of asking the grown adult to come home?

If the answer is because he's an adult and can come home whenever he chooses, that still doesn't explain why you'd go running to his mum because you're not getting your own way?

How long is it since her husband died and if your husband and his five brothers were not taking a day each could she manage without carers? And do the brothers provide personal care - showering/changing etc?

YANBU to want some more time than one day a week seeing your spouse but that could also be helped by a change in his shift pattern - what prevents this?

If she is that frail is she really able to be up until nearly 11:00 or could he come home earlier at the end of his Wednesday so that you have a couple of hours together? Most elderly people needing this level of care tend to be in bed well before 11:00 due to the simple exhaustion of small activities all day.

You should also look to finding your own outside interests if you don't already have them - that is important whatever other issues you each have to deal with.

I get that from your PoV you are losing the very limited time with DH to someone who has made no effort to build any kind of relationship with you but the pair of you will need to find a middle way unless DH is happy to pay for car on "his" days.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough.

This information seems to have been lost somewhere.

Of course it’s understandable to want more time with your husband, but the man wants to do date night with you every week and made the effort to change his working hours so that he gets a day off with you every week, so we’re not talking about someone who is neglecting his marriage.

It is not healthy for you to expect your husband and your job to be the full extent of your social interactions. It sounds like he is doing his best to be both a good son and a good husband, and you need to be a little less selfish and a little more supportive. It would be easier for you to do this if you had friends to chat to as well as your immediate family.

Because the reason why he stays so long is because his mum asks him to run errands in the evening, etc...

You are complaining that whilst living in her home, you and your sil had to cook your own food for yourselves and your husbands? Of course you should have, why should she be chief cook?
She wouldn't get involved during arguments between you and your husband? She did the right thing!
She didn't look after your kids? Why should she, they were yours and your husbands responsibility

I'm can understand why you're frustrated op.

Your mil appears to have an expectation that her children are there to take care of her. Does he provide personal care? If so that seems inappropriate tbh.

If she's in her late 70s she could have years left.

Even if I am old and disabled there is no way I would want my dd giving up her life to care for me, I'm not that selfish.

He sleeps way into the afternoon on Saturday. So that's our day together gone.

Don't forget the laundry - the mil didn't do everyone's laundry either - the cheek!

I do have friends but I want my husband's company sometime.

At midnight?

Is he staying late to help get her ready for bed and safely in bed so she doesn’t fall? Otherwise, it would be good if he could get home a bit earlier. Sounds like the main issue is he works nights.

So pretty much you get to actually see and spend time with your husband one afternoon/evening a week? That’s the problem isn’t it not mil although I can’t possibly see what errands she needs running at say 11pm that’s bonkers.

I can’t say I’d see seeing my husband one night a week as a marriage long term tbh.

Well that’s what happens when someone works permanent nights surely? Or do you expect him to finish work then be at your beck and call all day?