DH spends whole day off with his mother.

[clantis]

I have name changed as to not to be outed.

My DH only has two days off - Thursday and Saturday.

He spends every single Wednesday night after work and the whole of Thursday with his mother. The pretext is that she's lost her husband and is ill and elderly and that no one else can take care of her on that day.

He has five other brothers.

He comes home at 11pm (or sometimes as late as 1am) on Thursday night. His mother keeps asking him to stay longer or ask him to get shopping for her late in the evening, rather than telling him to go home. My children are married and I would never dream of keeping them late at night with their wives waiting at home for them. At that point of the day I'm shattered and already in bed, and all the noise he makes when he comes in that late frankly disturbs my sleep. I need to be awake at 7am the next morning.

His excuse is that our children are all grown up and therefore he doesn't need to always be at home during the day. One of our kids still lives at home and the other ones live a few minutes away so he says they're company enough. He doesn't understand that I want interaction from someone my age, and that the relationship is completely different.

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

I tried talking to his mother, who doesn't want to get involved. His brothers and SILs are all taking his side.

AIBU?

So you're working all day Thursday anyway. So it's just the evenings you have a problem with. He's spending two evenings a week with his mother that's old and ill. I get both sides but I really don't think youre being very kind or understanding about it. It's his mother, it sounds like all siblings are doing the same. You could just go one evening a week with him, or something.

I get that now your kids are independent it would be nice to spend more time with your husband. I like mine and like even sitting quietly in the same room as him. BUT he is pulling his weight with his mothers care. Many a man tries to pass off the responsibility to his wife or sisters. I would be sad to not see my Dh as much as I would like but also pretty happy to have ended up with a decent man. Unless ofcourse theres a massive drip feed about her being abusive or something.

But the MIL situation only accounts for 1 day you don't see your partner. There are 5 other days you don't see him because of work. Could one of you not adjust your working patterns if you want to see more of each other. It sounds like he's doing his fair share amongst his siblings with his family, it's lovely to hear families looking after each other.

I'm with your husband on this one. I wish I could spend that time with my folks

Or if the MIL has had to put up with abusive and jealous behavior from her DIL?

I think YBU but not as awful as some of the PP

YABU. Christ.

I didn't tell her I didn't want him to visit, I just asked her if she could ask him to come home at a decent time

@DuplicateUserName · Today 17:13
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · Today 17:12
I expect there is a lot more to this story than just the current subject matter. I wonder if the OP has had to put up with a lot of abusive behaviour from her MIL. I could be wrong of course
Or if the MIL has had to put up with abusive and jealous behavior from her DIL?

Maybe.. possibly. I am sure OP will tell us if so

YANBU.
After spending Wednesday night and most of Thursday with his mum, the least your DH should do is be home in time to spend the evening with you. Sounds like you spend six days on your own, one day with your DH whereas your MIL is never alone?

I explained it in a previous post

YANBU

You're entitled to have time with your own husband. His siblings should be helping more and taking turns each week to spend time with her.

I think your husband sounds fab!!
you sound a bit selfish - maybe don’t depend on him for all your company and find things to do yourself.

OP - I agree with you.

”it could be her last christmas”…….well yes, but it could also be yours. It seems like he is taking your time together on earth for granted if you spend so little quality time together.

As you said, he is one of many siblings….its not the case his mother would be totally alone, he should push for siblings to do more and not always him.

honestly cant stand men that never cut their apron ties from mummy.

I was very proud of my husband when he asked me if his mother could come to live with us under similar circumstances. It made me realise that I was married to a good, kind man. He told me that he felt the same when I agreed to help to look after her which we both did until she died. I won't pretend it was easy, especially the last few years, but I'm glad we did it.

I lived with her for the first year of our marriage.
She would cook only for her and her husband. My SILs and I were left to sort out our own and our husbands' food, washing, etc...
Many a times I asked her to help sort out arguments with my husband when my husband was in the wrong, she would always refuse to get involved.
She never helped with the kids. She would come visit, sleep on the sofa all day, wake up at 6pm when the kids were in bed, and complain in front of my husband that I put them to bed early so she wouldn't see them.

OP made it clear that the mother has company 100% of the time shared between her BILs and their wives. She expects her husband to drop his share for her and I presume the others will need to pick up the slack.

His excuse is that each sibling has one day. My point is exactly yours. I would be okay with it if it was less frequent, once or twice a month. But not every week.

They do

Is your husband the youngest of her children OP. Is this why he spends the time with her ? It does look to me as if he does more then the rest of them do

thank you!

Why would you do that?

Your husband is not a child to be 'sent home'.

I was vaguely wondering about this. My cousin wanted to look after his mum ft as they’d always been very close but she wouldn’t have it as she said she didn’t want her son seeing her ‘compromised’.

Her daughter, yes, but not her son. In the end his sister shared care with a nurse and he was only allowed to be a ‘companion’.

Could your husband look at changing jobs/shifts? I spent 9 years working nights whilst my partner did shift work so I know how it feels not having much time together. I've recently changed to a day job as we now have a child together and it's so much nicer now we get to spend every evening together

His other excuse is that he swapped Saturdays for Thursdays for me (Saturday is the only day off we have in common) and that Saturdays are date nights for us. He doesn't understand that one day a week is simply not enough. Especially when he works night shift and I work a 9 to 5.

So Thursday you are working and your husband is off but you still begrudge him caring for his elderly mother?