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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect teens to use fucking headphones?

169 replies

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 08:17

Am grumpy after a shit night's sleep. SS(16) is with us and seems incapable of using his headphones for gaming/talking to friends despite being told multiple times. Went to bed just after 11 and he still had his computer blaring out on loudspeaker so lucky me gets to hear both sides of the conversation whilst trying to sleep. What is it with kids having everything on loudspeaker? Have already endured a couple of week's WFH with him home for school holidays doing exactly the same thing whilst I'm in meetings.

AIBU to expect him to keep the fucking noise down and respect the rest of the household?

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:41

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:37

@Ursuladevine

You've just made up a whole list of things all by yourself there. I never gave examples did I.

I said my DP has this issue "at times" with my DD.

Not in relation to trivial things like loading the dishwasher though. That would make every day life a fucking nightmare.

If this were happening in our home it would be me who would deal with it as she's my daughter.

so if your DP asked her teen daughter to keep the volume down, she would ignore him. She would only keep it down if you told her to?

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:43

Does your teen dd and your dp get on? And the same thing happens with yourSC ie you say to your DP “your kids, you deal with it”. Is it a happy blended family?

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:44

It sounds like a family where some will listen to one parent but ignore the other, and some will listen to another but ignore the other.

must be difficult if, say, you and your dp have a different approach to an issue?

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:47

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:43

Does your teen dd and your dp get on? And the same thing happens with yourSC ie you say to your DP “your kids, you deal with it”. Is it a happy blended family?

DP's SC used to be a nightmare for me when they were younger, and yes: I'd hand over to DP and say you can deal with this. And he would absolutely step up and do so. Now they're older, they're much better and actually lovely kids to be around now.

As for my DD, yes they get on really well around 80-90% of the time! And for the smaller every day stuff like asking her to load the dishwasher, yeah, no issues. For the bigger decisions where there's likely to be push back from DD, however, she's unlikely to respond to DP's attempts at authority so it's over to me.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:50

Ahh no not quite @Ursuladevine

I said: "if this were happening in my home I'd deal with it as the parent". In other words, if the exact scenario as the OP was happening, and DD was behaving completely disrespectfully, I'd be straight in there like a tonne of bricks dealing with DD myself. I wouldn't even give DP the chance tbh, I'd be so annoyed.

So I didn't say this scenario is one on which DD wouldn't listen to DP. She's never done it so I don't know, but she very likely would listen to him. It's more that I would be straight in there dealing with it myself regardless.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:50

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:44

It sounds like a family where some will listen to one parent but ignore the other, and some will listen to another but ignore the other.

must be difficult if, say, you and your dp have a different approach to an issue?

Of course! Like any other family, I imagine.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:52

@Ursuladevine

My issue in relation to DP's kids is historical, hence my use of past tense in my original comment:

I had the same issue with DP's kids when they first stayed over with us. So I handed over to DP and said your kids, you sort it. Which he did.

Original poster
chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 12:03

So here's why we are now. He's gone out for the day with his son but apparently I've ruined his day by picking a fight.

I can't deal with the SS myself even if I wanted to. He's very timid and doesn't react well to being 'told off.' Probably because his mother is a complete fucking wet blanket who lets him do whatever the fuck he likes.

I'm tired of this shit on repeat.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:17

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:47

DP's SC used to be a nightmare for me when they were younger, and yes: I'd hand over to DP and say you can deal with this. And he would absolutely step up and do so. Now they're older, they're much better and actually lovely kids to be around now.

As for my DD, yes they get on really well around 80-90% of the time! And for the smaller every day stuff like asking her to load the dishwasher, yeah, no issues. For the bigger decisions where there's likely to be push back from DD, however, she's unlikely to respond to DP's attempts at authority so it's over to me.

Show quote history

And volume would be one?

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:18

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:50

Of course! Like any other family, I imagine.

Show quote history

Not very happy ones I suspect where one parent has to defer to the other because the child point blank will not take a request from them

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:19

Why kind of things would your SD ignore your DP about if you don’t mind me asking?

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:20

@Ursuladevine

You said:

^*It sounds like a family where some will listen to one parent but ignore the other, and some will listen to another but ignore the other.

must be difficult if, say, you and your dp have a different approach to an issue?*^

That's essentially like most families. Parents won't always agree on the approach to take with their own kids let alone step kids. In some nuclear families a child will play one parent off against the other, going to Mum because Dad said no, for example.

This is just family life. It doesn't make it "unhappy". It's just normal. Difficult times mixed in with happy ones. C'est la vie.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:20

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 12:03

So here's why we are now. He's gone out for the day with his son but apparently I've ruined his day by picking a fight.

I can't deal with the SS myself even if I wanted to. He's very timid and doesn't react well to being 'told off.' Probably because his mother is a complete fucking wet blanket who lets him do whatever the fuck he likes.

I'm tired of this shit on repeat.

He’s not that timid if two adults ask him to do something and he repeatedly ignore.

OP, it sounds a very unhappy home life, from a number of different angles. You either bide you time until he not longer stays frequently (although you know your DH disrespects you) OR.. you make a change in your life

Ivyonafence · 29/12/2022 12:21

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 12:03

So here's why we are now. He's gone out for the day with his son but apparently I've ruined his day by picking a fight.

I can't deal with the SS myself even if I wanted to. He's very timid and doesn't react well to being 'told off.' Probably because his mother is a complete fucking wet blanket who lets him do whatever the fuck he likes.

I'm tired of this shit on repeat.

How ridiculous for a grown man to say his day to is ruined and head out in a strop because he was asked to be considerate of noise in the house while people sleep.

I can see where SS gets it from.

Let them sulk. If he honestly doesn't respect you enough to have a sensible discussion about his 16 year old sons actions that are directly impacting you- then I'd reconsider whether you should all be living together at this point.

They are both being inconsiderate twats IMO

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:21

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:20

@Ursuladevine

You said:

^*It sounds like a family where some will listen to one parent but ignore the other, and some will listen to another but ignore the other.

must be difficult if, say, you and your dp have a different approach to an issue?*^

That's essentially like most families. Parents won't always agree on the approach to take with their own kids let alone step kids. In some nuclear families a child will play one parent off against the other, going to Mum because Dad said no, for example.

This is just family life. It doesn't make it "unhappy". It's just normal. Difficult times mixed in with happy ones. C'est la vie.

Each to their owner definition of family life

I don’t remember my siblings and I ever ignoring one parent so they have to call on the other to deal with it. They were a team.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:22

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:19

Why kind of things would your SD ignore your DP about if you don’t mind me asking?

Whether or not she could go out and meet friends. Whether someone was available to give her a life back, for example. She'll push the boundaries and become argumentative with DP on those sorts of issues, so he defers to me.

But in fairness it's not often he's the one dealing with any of those issues as he's usually working long shifts so it's me who tackles those issues usually,

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:22

Also she's not my SD, she's my DD.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:23

Yes typo.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:24

It’s been an insight in to how teen eyes (tricky enough) seem much more difficult to navigate in “blended” families

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:24

years

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:25

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:24

It’s been an insight in to how teen eyes (tricky enough) seem much more difficult to navigate in “blended” families

Of course. Teen years = tricky. Teen years plus parent who isn't my parent so you can't tell me what to do = extra tricky!! I don't envy my DP. That's why I don't expect him to deal with any of the trickier stuff with DD!

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:26

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:25

Of course. Teen years = tricky. Teen years plus parent who isn't my parent so you can't tell me what to do = extra tricky!! I don't envy my DP. That's why I don't expect him to deal with any of the trickier stuff with DD!

Show quote history

Good luck!

Tinkerbyebye · 29/12/2022 12:26

I would sit you husband down and tell him he has tell his son again to wear headphones, and makes sure he puts them on, explaining if he doesn’t the router will go off

and He has to do this each time his son is there until he does it automatically

and I would tell him he gets two strikes. After that you will be turning the router off ( and I would change the password so he can’t switch it on again)yourself when you go to bed

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 12:27

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:25

Of course. Teen years = tricky. Teen years plus parent who isn't my parent so you can't tell me what to do = extra tricky!! I don't envy my DP. That's why I don't expect him to deal with any of the trickier stuff with DD!

Show quote history

for you when your SC hit teens!

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 12:27

Hence my conclusion: OP's DH needs to step up and deal with this as it's completely unfair on OP. If he doesn't, she needs to consider her options. One of which is kicking them both out of her home!

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