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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect teens to use fucking headphones?

169 replies

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 08:17

Am grumpy after a shit night's sleep. SS(16) is with us and seems incapable of using his headphones for gaming/talking to friends despite being told multiple times. Went to bed just after 11 and he still had his computer blaring out on loudspeaker so lucky me gets to hear both sides of the conversation whilst trying to sleep. What is it with kids having everything on loudspeaker? Have already endured a couple of week's WFH with him home for school holidays doing exactly the same thing whilst I'm in meetings.

AIBU to expect him to keep the fucking noise down and respect the rest of the household?

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:05

The other thing to consider Op is that it can’t be very pleasant for him.

So you’re unhappy
Your DH isn’t happy
Arguments
and no doubt your DSS is acutely aware his step mother can’t stand him

This isn’t a blended “family” OK. This is a mangled mess.

imagine having a home that really is… a home. And go from there

LeopardPrintHo · 29/12/2022 11:06

Mine are told at 11pm that it's noise down, we go to bed and if we hear it once, the wifi gets turned off
No second chances

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:06

How often is your SS with you Op?

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:07

My teen of the same age would be getting her device removed if she continually disrespected the entire household in this manner. I appreciate it's different being your stepchild but no way should this be happening. Your DH needs to deal with it. I'd be fuming.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:07

How in this scenario should anything other than the "D"H tells his son to shut the fuck up and have some respect?

OP didn't say that she can't stand the SS, but tbh if he is behaving like this? I wouldn't let him over the threshold. Behaviours have consequences.

But then I would have had this out long ago with my probably-now-ex-"D"H

Allsnotwell · 29/12/2022 11:10

You can buy a parental device that attaches to your WiFi - so your stuff, TV, phone, heating - whatever you have stays on - you then control those attached to the extension box - their phones, Xbox etc
you then set it for certain times, and can control homework times etc -

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:10

I do not see this as a “step parenting” issue

This is a 16 year old we are talking about and what constitutes reasonable and civilised behaviour so I wouldn’t hesitate to deal with the issue myself

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:11

Allsnotwell · 29/12/2022 11:10

You can buy a parental device that attaches to your WiFi - so your stuff, TV, phone, heating - whatever you have stays on - you then control those attached to the extension box - their phones, Xbox etc
you then set it for certain times, and can control homework times etc -

If you are having to do this in order to ensure you can sleep without listening to shouting etc from your gaming 16 year old… then something has seriously gone wrong somewhere along the way

Devoutspoken · 29/12/2022 11:12

What a self centred teenager

Ivyonafence · 29/12/2022 11:13

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 10:59

And now we're onto 'I'm fed up of you constantly telling me my kids are shit' comment. How the fuck has this been turned around onto me?

We don't have kids together. My elder teen has pretty much left home. His adult child doesn't stay here any more. I love my husband and I don't want to divorce him but this situation is making me miserable.

Nope nope nope.

He doesn't get to gaslight you into thinking you're being unreasonable here.

You don't need to make value judgements about his son to him, but you can say you are entitled to some quiet so you can sleep in your own home at 11pm. Let him figure out how to make that happen.

How often is DS with you? Does DH pay his way?

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:13

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:10

I do not see this as a “step parenting” issue

This is a 16 year old we are talking about and what constitutes reasonable and civilised behaviour so I wouldn’t hesitate to deal with the issue myself

Do you have step children?

converseandjeans · 29/12/2022 11:14

Mine use headphones & don't keep me awake. He's being selfish. DH needs to tackle though otherwise you will be told you're being unreasonable.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2022 11:15

Just bang the vacuum up against his bedroom door, open windows, put radio on from around 8.30/9am.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:15

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:13

Do you have step children?

Show quote history

No

Thank goodness

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:16

converseandjeans · 29/12/2022 11:15

Just bang the vacuum up against his bedroom door, open windows, put radio on from around 8.30/9am.

Seriously

who wants to live like that

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:18

@Ursuladevine

Then respectfully, I don't think you can simply say OP needs to deal with it. The dynamics can be tricky as a stepparent and you're often acutely aware that you don't have the same parental authority over the child (particularly a teen who can be extremely difficult step child or not). My DP rarely gets involved in the parenting of my teen DD for this reason - the dynamics are just very different. If this were happening in our home it would be me who would deal with it as she's my daughter.

Minfilia · 29/12/2022 11:19

We have a rule in our house that the DC need to be quiet from 11PM on work/school days and 12 on weekends - so no phone calls, voice chatting, or loud noise from consoles without headphones. Fine to sit on their phones and text, or play on their computers with headphones, but nothing that could disturb anyone else in the house.

DS16 “forgot” several days in a row and was disturbing people by talking on his phone, so he was asked to leave his phone downstairs for a week from 11PM. He didn’t do it again after that!

Your SS continues doing it because he knows he can, as there are no consequences 🤷‍♀️

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:20

dynamics can be tricky as a stepparent

they don't need to be. The dynamic here is the "D"H is shitting on his wife who had to go to work on little sleep because he's a shit parent and she's too timid to tell the kid to STFU.

And if the kid then doesn't want to come over? it is up to his father to work out how to facilitate a relationship that doesn't impact so much on his wife. the "child" is 16. he will get the shit kicked out of him if he tries this in a house share or student accomodation.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:21

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:18

@Ursuladevine

Then respectfully, I don't think you can simply say OP needs to deal with it. The dynamics can be tricky as a stepparent and you're often acutely aware that you don't have the same parental authority over the child (particularly a teen who can be extremely difficult step child or not). My DP rarely gets involved in the parenting of my teen DD for this reason - the dynamics are just very different. If this were happening in our home it would be me who would deal with it as she's my daughter.

If we were talking about a 6 year old, I would be inclined to agree.

we are talking about a 16 year old here

Therefore I would engage with him as an adult with whom I am sharing a home with

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:21

@Brefugee

Yes, I agree entirely that it's the parent's job to deal with it - that was the whole premise of my post if you read all of it.

The dynamics can be tricky in the sense that, as a step parent, if you try to asset authority it can often backfire. Hence, it's on the parent to resolve it imo.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:23

I disagree that his age is relevant. It's still the job of the parent to well, parent their child imo. Not the step parent.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:24

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:23

I disagree that his age is relevant. It's still the job of the parent to well, parent their child imo. Not the step parent.

one of the many many many reasons why I would never blend families.

if a 16 year old was behaving rudely and disrespectfully in the home we shared together, then no one would stop me addressing it with him directly

givethistokevin · 29/12/2022 11:25

We have a general house rule of switching off at midnight or earlier. Nobody stays up all night gaming. The Wi-Fi goes off, it's down time. This was grown out of very strict boundaries as autistic DS was going through his teens. We have kept it in place as it works for all of us.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:25

are you a step parent @susiesuelou

if so, how do you find it?

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:27

Yes, I agree entirely that it's the parent's job to deal with it - that was the whole premise of my post if you read all of it.

but i disagree with you that the step-parent can't say: STFU it's gone 11pm and i need/want to sleep.

This isn't a small child. This is a 16 year old who needs to learn how to behave around other people. His father clearly doesn't/won't do it. So in OP's shoes? I'd be telling them both to leave until they can behave. Because i have zero tolerance of this kind of behaviour.

You can't bring your offspring into another relationship and expect your new partner to put up with this kind of thing. There is a reason that sleep-deprivation is a well known torture method.