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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect teens to use fucking headphones?

169 replies

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 29/12/2022 08:17

Am grumpy after a shit night's sleep. SS(16) is with us and seems incapable of using his headphones for gaming/talking to friends despite being told multiple times. Went to bed just after 11 and he still had his computer blaring out on loudspeaker so lucky me gets to hear both sides of the conversation whilst trying to sleep. What is it with kids having everything on loudspeaker? Have already endured a couple of week's WFH with him home for school holidays doing exactly the same thing whilst I'm in meetings.

AIBU to expect him to keep the fucking noise down and respect the rest of the household?

OP posts:
susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:27

@Ursuladevine

You're missing the point. You can try as a stepparent to address it directly, but it's not always effective. My DP has this issue at times with my DD. Hence I deal with it, which is always effective. I had the same issue with DP's kids when they first stayed over with us. So I handed over to DP and said your kids, you sort it. Which he did.

It works for us because, when the stepparent isn't able to get the required outcome, the actual parent very willingly steps in and that's always effective.

The problems arise when - as in OP's case - the actual parent thinks discipline is "draconian" and won't act on it to improve the situation.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:28

@Brefugee

I did not once say the step parent "can't say STFU", did I? I said it's sometimes not effective because of tricky dynamics and that's when the other parent needs to step in.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:29

I’m confused because in your original post you said the step parent shouldn’t address directly. Now you’re saying you can try but won’t always be effective

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:29

You're missing the point. You can try as a stepparent to address it directly, but it's not always effective.

then they have to address it with the actual parent who isn't doing their job.

And since they are equals in a relationship it is entirely fair for OP to say: get out and take your DC with you until you can both learn how to live with other people.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:29

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:27

Yes, I agree entirely that it's the parent's job to deal with it - that was the whole premise of my post if you read all of it.

but i disagree with you that the step-parent can't say: STFU it's gone 11pm and i need/want to sleep.

This isn't a small child. This is a 16 year old who needs to learn how to behave around other people. His father clearly doesn't/won't do it. So in OP's shoes? I'd be telling them both to leave until they can behave. Because i have zero tolerance of this kind of behaviour.

You can't bring your offspring into another relationship and expect your new partner to put up with this kind of thing. There is a reason that sleep-deprivation is a well known torture method.

I don't think you've understood what I was saying.

I agree with you on all points here!

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:30

I did not once say the step parent "can't say STFU", did I? I said it's sometimes not effective because of tricky dynamics and that's when the other parent needs to step in.

and as i said: when the other parent is useless? you have to... put up with it?
No. You address both of them. And if necessary, kick them both into the kerb.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:30

I don't think you've understood what I was saying.
I agree with you on all points here!

sorry @susiesuelou
I didn't get that from your posts. Sorry.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:31

So you get involved with your teen dd because she mostly ignores your partner

but in this scenario, which we are discussing, the teen is ignoring the parent.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:31

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:29

You're missing the point. You can try as a stepparent to address it directly, but it's not always effective.

then they have to address it with the actual parent who isn't doing their job.

And since they are equals in a relationship it is entirely fair for OP to say: get out and take your DC with you until you can both learn how to live with other people.

Agreed!!

We aren't at odds on that so not sure why you're insisting on arguing with me.

I'm simply pointing out that sometimes the dynamics are such that the stepparent doesn't have the required authority. So it's not as simple as they just deal with it as the other poster suggested. They can of course try! But if it's ineffective the other parent needs to willingly step in and take over. If they don't, that's where there's issues.

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:31

@susiesuelou

that sounds tricky. A teen DD with a DP who she rarely listens to!

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2022 11:32

FWIW it's my house, in my name. And none of them would have such a nice place to live if it weren't for me.

Put them both out and solve all your problems in one fell swoop.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:33

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:31

@susiesuelou

that sounds tricky. A teen DD with a DP who she rarely listens to!

Yep! Luckily she listens to me though 😄

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:33

I'm simply pointing out that sometimes the dynamics are such that the stepparent doesn't have the required authority.

sure. If we weren’t talking about something that is directly impacting the step parent and constitutes very disrespectful behaviour from someone old enough to vote!

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:34

again, sorry, @susiesuelou - i really don't get from your posts that you agree with me. But if you say you do, that's good Grin

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:34

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:33

Yep! Luckily she listens to me though 😄

Show quote history

But how does your DP feel about that?

He can’t ask someone he lives with to… unload the dishwasher, clean her room, keep the noises down, unless it’s via you?

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:35

Sigh.

I don't disagree that it's disrespectful, I don't disagree that the step parent has every right to and definitely should at least try to address it.

But it's sometimes^^ not effective. And where it's not, the other parent needs to be the one to get results and make it effective. Not the SP. That's where they get to step out and say your kid, your issue.

And sure, if the parent refuses to do that, then yes! Get rid!

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:35

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:34

again, sorry, @susiesuelou - i really don't get from your posts that you agree with me. But if you say you do, that's good Grin

No I don’t either!

Ursuladevine · 29/12/2022 11:37

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:35

Sigh.

I don't disagree that it's disrespectful, I don't disagree that the step parent has every right to and definitely should at least try to address it.

But it's sometimes^^ not effective. And where it's not, the other parent needs to be the one to get results and make it effective. Not the SP. That's where they get to step out and say your kid, your issue.

And sure, if the parent refuses to do that, then yes! Get rid!

I suppose why being a step parent is so thoroughly and completely unappealing to me.

Anyone I share a home with, is someone I want to be able to address anything with and not feel I have to go through someone

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:37

@Ursuladevine

You've just made up a whole list of things all by yourself there. I never gave examples did I.

I said my DP has this issue "at times" with my DD.

Not in relation to trivial things like loading the dishwasher though. That would make every day life a fucking nightmare.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:37

glad it's not just me, @Ursuladevine .

And @susiesuelou did say that her DH can't directly give instruction etc to her DD which makes me doubly confused

Frankly? I would not have anyone living with me, step or otherwise, if i was being prevented from calling out their bad behaviour, asking them to contribute to the household chores etc

Luckily I'm not likely ever to be in that position now

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:37

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:34

again, sorry, @susiesuelou - i really don't get from your posts that you agree with me. But if you say you do, that's good Grin

That's because you extrapolated extra points and argued against something I'd never raised in my original posts.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:38

And @susiesuelou did say that her DH can't directly give instruction etc to her DD which makes me doubly confused

I didn't. Read again.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:38

nah, mate, it's not just me.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:40

Here's what I actually said for those unable to read:

My DP has this issue at times with my DD. Hence I deal with it, which is always effective.

susiesuelou · 29/12/2022 11:40

Note: "at times".

Note also I have not given examples, those were invented by another poster.