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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guests taking food home

379 replies

LakeFlyPie · 29/12/2022 07:43

We've hosted some friends and family gatherings over Christmas and on a couple of occasions guests kindly offered to bring food (home baked cake, biscuits etc).
I was a bit shocked when, on leaving, they packaged up leftovers (of their contribution) and took it home (uninvited). When I take food / drink to a party I consider it a gift / contribution and would dream of reclaiming it at the end of the evening. AIBU?

OP posts:
WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 12:52

The only friends I am keen on having over for dinner are ones that feel comfortable enough to go into the fridge and take their leftovers home without asking. I'd rather not have friends where strict made up rules overshadow the need to be comfortable with each other. If you are miffed at me taking a slice of the bloody yummy cheesecake I made home then honestly tell me because I'd rather not come back to that prison 😬

Macaroni46 · 29/12/2022 12:56

Generally no, I wouldn't dream of giving people back food they'd brought along or taking home anything I'd contributed. However, once I went to stay for a long weekend with friends and baked a cake especially. The whole time we were there they didn't offer it, preferring to buy treats in. So I did take the cake back with me because I was a bit hurt that my efforts were not appreciated and my time & money wasted.

Pandor · 29/12/2022 13:04

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 12:52

The only friends I am keen on having over for dinner are ones that feel comfortable enough to go into the fridge and take their leftovers home without asking. I'd rather not have friends where strict made up rules overshadow the need to be comfortable with each other. If you are miffed at me taking a slice of the bloody yummy cheesecake I made home then honestly tell me because I'd rather not come back to that prison 😬

How to publicly out yourself as a CF!

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 13:12

Pandor · 29/12/2022 13:04

How to publicly out yourself as a CF!

I don't know many people who would regard that as cheeky... I guess I surround myself with likeminded people! Although I'm damn upset you won't be inviting me to dinner... you sound like loads of fun, scalding your friends for eating some leftovers 😂

ChristmasTreescars · 29/12/2022 13:16

MumBusy · 29/12/2022 07:47

I think it’s rude but see it happen all the time

I’ve had the opposite happen. Any time I bring food/drink to a friends for a gathering she will gather it up at the end and say - take it back, I don’t want it or it’ll go in the bin etc

Oysterbabe · 29/12/2022 13:17

Macaroni46 · 29/12/2022 12:56

Generally no, I wouldn't dream of giving people back food they'd brought along or taking home anything I'd contributed. However, once I went to stay for a long weekend with friends and baked a cake especially. The whole time we were there they didn't offer it, preferring to buy treats in. So I did take the cake back with me because I was a bit hurt that my efforts were not appreciated and my time & money wasted.

I'm sure they thought the cake was a gift for them and were offended when you took it back.

cantba · 29/12/2022 13:31

I think the rule is whether you got it out to share or not. If you brought it along and plonked it out like a generous gift towards the party then you are def a cf for taking it home again. On the other hand if you kept it next to your ankles in a carrier bag for a quick swig when no one was looking fine to take home.

My pil took home most of their contribution to xmas (wasnt much to start with!). I'm no longer phased by it. I spent years thinking how weird it was but now just think some people have a funny attitude to food. At least they only take stuff they actually brought themselves.

lightswitchon · 29/12/2022 13:52

Hillrunning · 29/12/2022 09:20

Also rudeness is only really a thing if you know you are being rude. The culture I grew up in, the host would be rude if they didn't pack up leftovers for each guest to take home.

Just chill out, it's a few slices of cake or 3 roasties!

Yes, this

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 29/12/2022 14:01

@Macaroni46 that is sad about the cake

home made cakes go stale so should be eaten up quickly, not hang round for days untouched

I once took biscuits and sweets from my home country to the office, people did not like them so I took them back home after a few days 😁

Nicetoseeyou1980 · 29/12/2022 14:03

I know a relative that used to bring a 4 pack, drink everyone else's and then take his 4 pack home!
He wasn't poor either quite the opposite! Obviously why lol.

Burgoo · 29/12/2022 14:05

Let them take it! I don't want that crap sitting around for days at my house!

AuntieJoyce · 29/12/2022 14:27

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 12:52

The only friends I am keen on having over for dinner are ones that feel comfortable enough to go into the fridge and take their leftovers home without asking. I'd rather not have friends where strict made up rules overshadow the need to be comfortable with each other. If you are miffed at me taking a slice of the bloody yummy cheesecake I made home then honestly tell me because I'd rather not come back to that prison 😬

But would you take the whole cheesecake back?

And what if the host had not managed to have a slice of the cheesecake because they were busy tidying up?

Finding this thread fascinating. Can understand the situation around Christmas dinners where everyone has made a contribution and the rules are agreed but otherwise this stealth removal of brought foodstuffs is Shock

Talia99 · 29/12/2022 14:28

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 13:12

I don't know many people who would regard that as cheeky... I guess I surround myself with likeminded people! Although I'm damn upset you won't be inviting me to dinner... you sound like loads of fun, scalding your friends for eating some leftovers 😂

Since from another perspective, a lot of people would prefer not to socialise with people who are stingy to the point they couldn’t possibly leave a crumb they had brought for their hosts to enjoy later, I’m fairly sure you aren’t going to have to worry about declining any invitations from people who don’t feel the same way you do.

GetMeOut87 · 29/12/2022 14:31

Depends. We had Christmas with friends where everyone bought a dish. So the host didn't cook, only made appetisers, someone brought the roast, someone else dessert, potatoes etc. We all took the leftover food back at the end, why wouldn't we?

I think it's different where the host does almost everything and you just bring a token bottle or some chocolate, then I agree it would be rude to take stuff back.

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 14:33

AuntieJoyce · 29/12/2022 14:27

But would you take the whole cheesecake back?

And what if the host had not managed to have a slice of the cheesecake because they were busy tidying up?

Finding this thread fascinating. Can understand the situation around Christmas dinners where everyone has made a contribution and the rules are agreed but otherwise this stealth removal of brought foodstuffs is Shock

No likely not... but I wouldn't look down on those who did. Dinner parties are much more casual nowadays. I think that's a good thing personally... less worrying about whether you are following the correct "rules"

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 14:34

Talia99 · 29/12/2022 14:28

Since from another perspective, a lot of people would prefer not to socialise with people who are stingy to the point they couldn’t possibly leave a crumb they had brought for their hosts to enjoy later, I’m fairly sure you aren’t going to have to worry about declining any invitations from people who don’t feel the same way you do.

And that's totally fair. I'd personally not like to walk on eggshells around my friends for fear of being judged or posted about on mumsnet.

Pandor · 29/12/2022 15:21

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 14:34

And that's totally fair. I'd personally not like to walk on eggshells around my friends for fear of being judged or posted about on mumsnet.

That’s such hyperbole. It is a matter of seconds to find a polite variant of saying to the host “did you want to hang on to these leftovers - if not do you mind if I take them with me?”.

job done. Just basic manners as a guest in someone’s house, hardly walking on eggshells in a prison!!

Hahahahohoho · 29/12/2022 15:38

I think it's rude but my in-laws do it...they are a master class in how not to behave - they leave with their stuff and I am reminded to say to my kids - see that? Don't do it when you visit people it's rude. But it never would have occurred to me otherwise - doing me a favour really.

WineAndDontDine · 29/12/2022 15:41

Pandor · 29/12/2022 15:21

That’s such hyperbole. It is a matter of seconds to find a polite variant of saying to the host “did you want to hang on to these leftovers - if not do you mind if I take them with me?”.

job done. Just basic manners as a guest in someone’s house, hardly walking on eggshells in a prison!!

That's not what people are saying though is it. They are saying they wouldn't dream of taking leftovers home. Its a gift. Do they not deserve it despite hosting. Etc etc etc

anyolddinosaur · 29/12/2022 20:45

Leftover food is quite likely to be unsuitable to eat unless it's either been put in the fridge-meaning I'm planning to eat it later - or it's OK outside a fridge and if it's too much for us to eat then I'll have said that and asked if anyone wants to take it away. So if I havent offered you are being a CF to take.

It's Christmas, most people are not going to point out to their guests they have been rude. Up to guests not familiar with local custom to see what other people do and follow suit.

I doubt anyone is going to bar the CF from their home if this is the only way they are rude but if they are doing something equally rude often that's a different matter.

mediumbrownmug · 29/12/2022 22:08

Ideally, good manners are all about thinking of others before yourself. If you’re fitting into that category, I would say you’re doing fine.

To illustrate, my mom has an older brother, Alvin (I mentioned him on another thread), who used to rock up to family Thanksgivings and Christmases at my mom’s house with his wife. My mom hosted every year. Alvin and his wife never hosted, never cooked, never helped, always arrived half an hour late so the food got cold, and left immediately after dessert complaining about the long drive home they had ahead of them (they lived 30 minutes away).

They would actually bring Tupperware containers with them, and I remember very clearly them hovering around the dishes as soon as Alvin had put his dessert fork down, filling up the containers with food my mom had bought and cooked. I remember them taking massive pieces of turkey (think entire drumsticks, etc.) and the most expensive food items, half the cake, filling up multiple large Tupperware while my mom watched awkwardly. A couple of times she had to step in and tell Alvin that we needed that for our lunches, or that she meant to send some turkey/pie/etc. home with their mother, our grandmother. It was so awkward.

After a year or two of this my mom wised up and started putting leftovers away before she served dessert. At leaving time she would offer a slice or two of one or two items and provide her own small container to put it in. Seemed to help. Ah, memories.

Sceptre86 · 29/12/2022 22:25

I think it's rude and I would never do it. I'd never ask for leftovers either. When people come over to mine I assume that whatever they bring is a gift for me so I wouldn't normally serve it to everyone eg a cake for example. Instead I'd serve the dessert I had made unless they specifically asked for theirs to be served I didn't have much left over in the way of xmas dinner but I packed some for my cousins dh who was working. I also gave out cupcakes to the children who came over as our kids are little and not big fans of cake. If I have a party and there are leftovers I will pack them for people but we rarely do bring a dish parties and tbh if we did I'd pack people a bit of everything not just what they specifically made.

Swimminginthelake · 29/12/2022 22:50

We live overseas and it's very normal here for people to take home what they bought to your house, including bottles of wine! I was quite shocked at first but I'm used to it now and I no longer expect to make a wine profit if we're hosting 😆

Lydia777 · 29/12/2022 22:58

demotedreally · 29/12/2022 07:46

I'm fine with this, we do it or don't do it depending what it is.

I'm staying at my sister's at the moment. I will bring home the rest of the cake I made, remainder of the half drunk bottle of gin I brought but not the wine, if it didn't all get drunk.

Oh God, I really hope this is a joke!

squidgybits · 30/12/2022 17:51

Is this in England? I can't imagine anybody in Scotland doing this