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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

145 replies

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:48

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

OP posts:
Fairydustandsparklylights · 28/12/2022 22:49

Why do they not get along? What are her issues with him?

maddening · 28/12/2022 22:49

Why does she not like your partner? Does she have a point?

Annoyingwurringnoise · 28/12/2022 22:49

Why doesn’t she like your partner?

AnyFucker · 28/12/2022 22:50

More info required

Thingiemajig · 28/12/2022 22:50

What is it she doesn’t like?

cam you spend lots of time with her without your partner?

JoyBeorge · 28/12/2022 22:51

I don't think you can expect an answer without more context. For all we know she could have good reason not to like him.

Ginsloth · 28/12/2022 22:52

JoyBeorge · 28/12/2022 22:51

I don't think you can expect an answer without more context. For all we know she could have good reason not to like him.

This.

Original poster
Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

OP posts:
Sunsetintheeast · 28/12/2022 22:52

What’s wrong with him?…, in her view?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2022 22:53

You’ve made your choice, this is the consequence. All you can do is to try and see her separately.

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2022 22:53

That's not a clash of personality that is a daughter not wanting to see her mum in an abusive relationship

astronewt · 28/12/2022 22:53

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Annnnnnnnnd there it is

You've made your choice; this is the consequence.

Ginsloth · 28/12/2022 22:54

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

So, your daughter rightly disapproves of your choice in partner then.
I’d say you have a choice to make, but it seems you’ve already made it, unfortunately for your daughter.

bigbabycooker · 28/12/2022 22:54

Sounds not totally unreasonable from her. I mean, if she thinks he is a wrong'un, then she isn't going to be queuing up to spend time with both of you.

Have you tried to make plans with her without your partner? Ultimately, that might be the best way forward.

magma32 · 28/12/2022 22:55

Maybe she can see through his BS and is frustrated that you can’t? Maybe he’s upset her in some way that you’ve ignored? I can’t help but think there is probably a good reason why she doesn’t like him and you probably should really talk to her properly so she opens up. You probably don’t know the half of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 22:55

She’s trying to protect herself and her children based on your update. She thinks you’re in an unhealthy toxic relationship and is upset you’ve moved in with him. She knows you won’t listen to her understandable concerns so she’s pulling back.

Probably. As that’s how I’d feel.

But you crack on. Hopefully when you see sense she’ll be waiting to help pick up the pieces.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 28/12/2022 22:55

Well you'll have to convince her that he has changed, no longer shouts at you, and makes you happy. Which he does, right?

Catspyjamas17 · 28/12/2022 22:55

He sounds a catch. Why are you with a heavy drinker who talks to you in a manner that other people find objectionable? Why would you bother?

FrankieWapp · 28/12/2022 22:56

Don’t blame her…

Merlott · 28/12/2022 22:56

Are you trying to force her to play happy families with an abusive drunk?!!

Goodness I hope you can start to see more clearly.

She is probably deeply hurt and sad that her mum has moved an abuser into her home!

ChaosMoon · 28/12/2022 22:56

Do not underestimate the stress and heartache that comes from seeing your mother in an abusive relationship. If you will not see reason, then the only way she has to protect herself is to distance herself from the situation (you).

If you want a different outcome, make a different choice.

imnotreallyollie · 28/12/2022 22:57

So, your daughter rightly disapproves of your choice in partner then.
I’d say you have a choice to make, but it seems you’ve already made it, unfortunately for your daughter'

'THIS'

ThePoetsWife · 28/12/2022 22:57

You have very low standards - moving in with a heavy drinker and abuser.!

She's smarter than you.

Ludo19 · 28/12/2022 22:57

You chose this person over having a close relationship with your own daughter?Least your daughter has more sense than to have him in her life, unfortunately you don't. I hope for your sake he's mended his ways OP.

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2022 22:58

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

After that massive drip feed I’ve voted YABU. She clearly and rightly wants this man at a distance from her and her kids.

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