Page 6 | Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

Paolo123 · 2022-12-28T22:48:37+00:00

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

Unikeko · 29/12/2022 08:46

Good for your dd!

SleeplessInEngland · 29/12/2022 08:47

The cowardly op seems to have fucked off but maybe we'll get more of a drip-feed today.

Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 08:58

Advice: ditch the bellend partner.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2022 09:05

Any advice please.

She has seen behaviour from him she doesn't like so has chosen to distance herself. You have two choices, accept that she wants and needs distance or you end your relationship.

SwishSwishBisch · 29/12/2022 09:09

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

You say used to be. If he has genuinely stopped drinking and, I assume, the associated behaviour has also ended then surely HE should be aware of the issue he’s created through his own addiction and be taking steps to try to repair relationships he damaged?
If he’s not developed this level of self awareness then I’d guess he hasn’t actually changed much and your daughter is probably quite right to want to distance herself

Stunningscreamer · 29/12/2022 09:12

SwishSwishBisch · 29/12/2022 09:09

You say used to be. If he has genuinely stopped drinking and, I assume, the associated behaviour has also ended then surely HE should be aware of the issue he’s created through his own addiction and be taking steps to try to repair relationships he damaged?
If he’s not developed this level of self awareness then I’d guess he hasn’t actually changed much and your daughter is probably quite right to want to distance herself

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Exactly. People can be dry drunks, which means they're still behaving in a similar way to that which they did when they were drinking.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2022 09:14

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

I sense you are massively understating the reality.

No way would your DD keep her distance if he "used to be" "quite" a heavy drinker, which caused friction that she had the misfortune of witnessing.

you made your choice, no wonder she's now making her choice to control contact.

LakieLady · 29/12/2022 09:16

OP not been back then? Quelle surprise.

Callingallskeletons · 29/12/2022 09:23

Sounds like you don’t need advice OP as you’re already aware of what the problem is and why it has escalated now you’ve moved him in 🤷🏻‍♀️
You have chosen to put a heavy drinker who treats you poorly (who you know DD does not get along with) above your own child and she is now prioritising her own mental health and her children above you

As the phrase goes You’ve made your bed…

EmmaLouu · 29/12/2022 09:25

I’d do the same; she’s doing the right thing as a mother. Children safety and happiness come first. I’ve been through this myself.

NB - it won’t have been an easy decision for her to make but the right ones are sometimes the most difficult ones.

PurplePixies · 29/12/2022 09:29

When you say ‘used to be a heavy drinker’, has he since joined AA and stopped drinking completely?

Otherwise, you need to accept that you’re living with an abusive alcoholic that will only get worse over time.

You will also have to accept that your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren is permanently damaged and your daughter is behaving extremely responsibly by keeping her distance.

Ladybug14 · 29/12/2022 09:34

PurplePixies · 29/12/2022 09:29

When you say ‘used to be a heavy drinker’, has he since joined AA and stopped drinking completely?

Otherwise, you need to accept that you’re living with an abusive alcoholic that will only get worse over time.

You will also have to accept that your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren is permanently damaged and your daughter is behaving extremely responsibly by keeping her distance.

This ^ Brilliant post and exactly correct

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 29/12/2022 09:57

You're very keen to distance yourself from the past, but she may not wish to do that or be able to do that. My parents had the exact same attitude when I was trying to salvage the relationship. My childhood was in the past and so I should forget that their alcoholism caused me to grow up at the age of 9; that my mum spent my teenage years calling me ugly and fat; that my dad spent basically a decade in a dissociative stupor; that I had to look out for my sister because they couldn't. Of course, they still drink, but as an adult I should respect their choice to do so.

I cut them both off and I don't regret it. You may have forgiven this Prince Charming, but you can't expect her to - especially if you keep trying to suggest that it's somehow her personality at fault rather than, you know, him having been an abusive alcoholic.

Tempyname · 29/12/2022 10:16

Of course if it was a reverse and about the mum distancing from the daughter and her partner then it would be uproar! If he has stopped the drinking ages ago and and you now have a healthy relationship then she should be able to see this over time. You could talk to her about what she’d expect to see in order for things to improve. If this is more about her just not accepting you having relationships that are not with her/her dad and wanting to control this then that’s a separate issue!

Tempyname · 29/12/2022 10:21

It would also have helped if OP had clarified more about what is meant by ‘used to be quite a heavy drinker’. Everyone is reading this to mean alcoholic and abusive, and possibly right - and if so then distancing from this clearly isn’t wrong. It isn’t clear from ‘used to be’ if proper treatment has been taken though which adds a different spin.

DarkKarmaIlama · 29/12/2022 10:24

I am not surprised, I would avoid you too with a partner like that.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 29/12/2022 10:28

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Unfortunately? No, fortunately. Get out of that relationship.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/12/2022 12:54

Of course if it was a reverse and about the mum distancing from the daughter and her partner then it would be uproar!

a) It's not reversed so who cares.

b) a mother has a duty of care to a child that a child doesn't have to a mother. And the daughter is fulfilling that duty by keeping her kids away from this aggressive drunk.

Herejustforthisone · 29/12/2022 14:38

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

I don’t blame her. I’d do the same. You’ve chosen badly

EasterIsland · 29/12/2022 19:41

Everyone is reading this to mean alcoholic and abusive, and possibly right - and if so then distancing from this clearly isn’t wrong. It isn’t clear from ‘used to be’ if proper treatment has been taken though which adds a different spin.

Thing is, you can be a sober/dry alcoholic and still be an unpleasant person ...