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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

145 replies

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:48

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 28/12/2022 22:58

Has he turned over a new leaf? Is that why you've moved in together?

fruitbrewhaha · 28/12/2022 22:59

She sees your dp for who he is

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 28/12/2022 23:02

astronewt · 28/12/2022 22:53

Annnnnnnnnd there it is

You've made your choice; this is the consequence.

Show quote history

This

You know precisely why your daughter is distancing herself from you and you know how to fix it

If you prefer to prioritse an abusive drinker over her then she may prefer to prioritise her mental and emotional health over you

tsmainsqueeze · 28/12/2022 23:02

I would also be keeping my distance from an abusive man.
You may have forgiven his behavior but she clearly hasn't , no way would i risk distancing my child and grandchildren for someone like this.

Puppers · 28/12/2022 23:02

So she doesn’t want any involvement whatsoever with your abusive partner and in addition is almost certainly deeply hurt that you have continued to prioritise a relationship that has come between the two of you. In effect you’ve chosen this man over your previously close relationship with your daughter and grandchildren.

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2022 23:03

So he's an aggressive alcoholic? Why wouldn't she want him around her and her children?....

JoyBeorge · 28/12/2022 23:04

Yep, I don't think I'd want my kids round him either. You're going to have to see her on your own. This was your choice unfortunately. I'd be congratulating your daughter for showing a kind of loyalty to her own kids which you weren't prepared to do yourself.

LeopardPrintHo · 28/12/2022 23:06

She doesn't know this man, why would she want him near her kids. Throwing in drinking and violence and why are you even questioning what she is doing?!

windandtherain · 28/12/2022 23:06

I second what everyone has said. Her reasons for not wanting to see him are very reasonable, you made your decision to stay with him and you’re facing the consequences, as harsh as that may sound. It sounds like she still has a relationship with you, but I can see why she’s not want to be as friendly, especially around your partner

AChristmasCaro · 28/12/2022 23:08

Last time there was a thread (exactly) like this, it was a reverse.

2Rebecca · 28/12/2022 23:09

If she doesn't like your partner for good reason then she isn't going to want to visit if you've moved him in. Also she has her own family now and they will take up more of her time so even if you ditched Mr Angry she may not have as much time for you as you'd like.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2022 23:12

Hmm

Madeyoulook · 28/12/2022 23:15

Has he given up drinking?

AfterEightMintyCedric · 28/12/2022 23:15

I am in a similar position to your DD although my mum is not a full blown relationship with the arsehole 'man' in question.

Very different reasons but I can totally understand where your daughter is coming from and I think you will just have to accept her decision and make the best of it.

EasterIsland · 28/12/2022 23:15

Sounds quite reasonable that she doesn’t want to be around an argumentative heavy drinker. He’s your partner, but not part of her family …

AfterEightMintyCedric · 28/12/2022 23:16

I should add...please don't try and force the issue or keep beginning on trying to convince her that he's a good guy and the love of your life because I guarantee you will have her distancing herself even faster and further than she is now.

Ihatethenewlook · 28/12/2022 23:19

Is this a reverse? You can’t fathom why your daughter doesn’t want her children to have to witness an aggressive drunk abusing their grandmother? You’ve made your choice. You’ve chosen this man over your children and grandchildren.

TheShellBeach · 28/12/2022 23:19

Well, it isn't really surprising that your DD doesn't approve of your partner.

The only surprising thing is that you're surprised about her reaction.

StrawberryWater · 28/12/2022 23:22

Does he still drink op?

TellySavalashairbrush · 28/12/2022 23:22

please continue to see her separately, either in her home or in a neutral place . Do not discuss your partner at all when you see her and definitely don’t try to persuade her to have a relationship with him. She cannot stop you choosing who you want to be with, but she is also entitled to dislike this man with good reason and to keep her own dc away from him. Let it be known that yours and her relationship is very important to you and that if that means meeting her alone for ever more , so be it.

BadNomad · 28/12/2022 23:23

He doesn't sound like someone she wants around her children. It probably feels like you've chosen your relationship with him over your relationship with your grandchildren.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2022 23:24

Thank god - a woman with good boundaries.

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 23:26

Why have to moved him in when things were abusive when you weren’t even living together?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/12/2022 23:27

Your DD’s distancing is your own creation. Your actions forced it.

Poor DD.

strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 23:28

She has boundaries and self worth.

You sound needy and dramatic (sorry) without doing the work to have a healthy close relationship.