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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

145 replies

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:48

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

OP posts:

Ivyonafence · 29/12/2022 02:57

Have you read this OP?

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

sue20 · 29/12/2022 04:52

You rbu to expect any response if you don’t give any details. Could be anything! How could we know?

sue20 · 29/12/2022 05:05

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Ah alcohol. If he is alcoholic ie unable to have just one drink, then he and you need support. Alcoholism is an illness which can create chaos in relationships. This includes repeated attempts to stop drinking but failure to do so. Try AA . They have a support programme for those living with a drinker. Depends on what he did but I think those saying you made your choice are right unfortunately. If he has managed to totally stop drinking he should make amends to her at least.

ThreeLocusts · 29/12/2022 06:09

OP my mother is one of the sweetest, most generous, and unfortunately one of the most gullible people I know.

When she went to live with an abusive prick, making constant excuses for his behaviour, I distanced myself. It was heartbreaking, but it was all I could do.

As pp said, try to see her away from your partner and DO NOT try to convince her that this man is OK if she's made clear she doesn't think so.

LolaMoon · 29/12/2022 07:14

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

There you go then, isnt it obvious? Being around people who drink heavily can be immensely unsettling. They can be rude, argumentative, aggressive turn on a hair's trigger, unpredictable and to be honest- frightening at times. If he has been verbally abusive towards you I am not at all surprised she doesnt want to witness that. She sounds very sensible imposing healthy boundaries for herself. The more pertinent question here is why are YOU choosing to stay with a person who engages in such destructive, harmful behaviour?

LBFseBrom · 29/12/2022 07:19

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

I don't blame your daughter one bit. How would you have felt had your mother shacked up with an abusive drinker?

It beats me how/why a mature woman sets up home with a man like that.

Cracklingfire1 · 29/12/2022 07:27

Personally, I would put my relationship with my daughter first. Nothing would get in the way of that.

ButterBastardBeans · 29/12/2022 07:32

It's a self preservation thing.

As you get older, you are less inclined to mix with people you wouldn't be friends with ordinarily. She is making that call. You have reason to forgive him. she doesn't. In her shoes, I would probably do the same.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/12/2022 07:37

She's putting her children above an abusive drunkard and you should too. Why won't you?

What exactly has she witnessed, and what else has happened that she hasn't?

sparechange · 29/12/2022 07:45

You’ve had to make a choice between your daughter and grandchildren, or an abusive drunk, and you chose the drunk?

and you’re wondering why people are distancing themselves from you?

good grief…

orbitalcrisis · 29/12/2022 07:49

Is there a pattern of behaviour here? Have you always had abusive partners and put your relationship with them ahead of your relationship with your daughter? Is your partner the only one who likes a drink? It can be difficult to admit one's own culpability in these things but it goes a long way to healing rifts.

Meseekslookatme · 29/12/2022 07:49

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2022 22:53

You’ve made your choice, this is the consequence. All you can do is to try and see her separately.

This.
My mother had a partner I couldn't stand, I wasn't willing to play happy families with them so I barely visited. Her partner now is lovely so I visit regularly. It's not difficult.
I'm estranged from my Dad because of his life choices. Children don't owe you anything.

MummyJ36 · 29/12/2022 08:04

Been there with my DM. Don’t be naive that you have very obviously chosen him over her.

MichelleScarn · 29/12/2022 08:06

MummyJ36 · 29/12/2022 08:04

Been there with my DM. Don’t be naive that you have very obviously chosen him over her.

Absolutely, and the fact that op is seeing the issue as being the daughters great boundaries rather than partners shitty behaviour is very telling!

DashboardConfessional · 29/12/2022 08:07

Hmm, what could be the reason she doesn't like him? What a mysterious mystery.

Greenfairydust · 29/12/2022 08:09

I think she might have a point...

If your partner is a volatile man with a history of heavy drinking why would she want to be around someone like that, or have her kids interact with him?

I always say you should put your kids before any man...

HeadNorth · 29/12/2022 08:11

My mum married an alkie - your daughter is quite right to distance herself, especially as she has children. I wish I had done the same - I was too nice and regret I did not set firmer bounderies. I admire your DD.

FrankTheCondor · 29/12/2022 08:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2022 08:17

I am in a similar position to your dd though I am unsure if my DM has really noticed that I rarely go over there. My step dad isn’t a nice person, a heavy drinker (though he won’t admit this and neither will she), he’s argumentative and just a over all horrible person. No one wanted to spend Christmas with them because of him but still my DM doesn’t see it.

I would hate for my dc to feel this way about my new partner. Your dd obviously feels uncomfortable visiting and probably has good reason, she’s chosen to stay away, probably to protect her own mental health. For me it’s just not worth the hassle of visiting anymore, it’s painful seeing my DM being brainwashed by this man. Just remember that your dd is likely to be around a lot longer than your DP.

SpicyFoodRocks · 29/12/2022 08:22

How has your daughter behaved with your previous partners? Is it just this man she has taken against? If so, it’s pretty obvious why.

dolor · 29/12/2022 08:25

You have a choice to make. Your daughter seems to have good boundaries.

AngelinaFibres · 29/12/2022 08:29

You are an utter fool with very poor standards. Thankfully your daughter isnt.

MzHz · 29/12/2022 08:35

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Urgh. And you wonder why she’s stepping back from the car crash?!

this mess is on you.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 29/12/2022 08:40

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

You wouldn't want her to be with someone like this either would you ?

Praying4Memory · 29/12/2022 08:45

What advice would you give to her if she had just moved in with someone exactly like your partner?

Would you be happy for her or would you have concerns?

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