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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

145 replies

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:48

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

OP posts:
TrimTheTree · 29/12/2022 00:29

That’s sadly not a clash of personalities, she’s being a mum and protecting her kids from danger. Hopefully your partner can stay sober and keep working on himself if you choose to stay with him and he is no longer abusive.

TattiePants · 29/12/2022 00:33

“Any advice?”

Yes, dump the abusive drunk and rebuild the relationship with your DD.

Menomenon · 29/12/2022 00:34

She’s protecting herself and her children, so take comfort that she is making good decisions.

Why did you let him move in?

OatFox · 29/12/2022 00:40

These are the consequences of your choice. She's protecting herself and your GC.

Fishwifer · 29/12/2022 00:43

that's not a "clash of personalities".

she's doing the smart thing, not exposing her own DC to an alcoholic abuser.

PeekAtYou · 29/12/2022 00:43

i feel sorry for your dd. She's protecting herself from the heartache of having a mother in an abusive relationship who is now cohabiting with her abuser. Very sad that you made this choice.

Dotcheck · 29/12/2022 00:43

And what were your other relationships like?

billy1966 · 29/12/2022 00:48

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2022 22:53

That's not a clash of personality that is a daughter not wanting to see her mum in an abusive relationship

This.

Your priority is an abusive man.

She doesn't want to be near him or you by extension now that you have moved him in.

She is protecting herself and her children from your bad decision.

She sounds very sensible.

HomeTheatreSystem · 29/12/2022 01:00

He was a heavy drinker, she witnessed arguments between you ... tell us a bit more about him, how long you've been together, the drinking and why he's just moved in with you. There may be something about him and his motivations that she sees but you don't.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/12/2022 01:10

I think I would try to reframe it OP. She hasn't distanced herself because she does not get along with your partner, your partners abusive behaviour and poor life choices have made it difficult for your daughter to spend time with you or support the relationship, her hands are tied.

How long has it been since he was last being abusive or drinking heavily, and how does he honestly treat you now? What has he done to attempt to support the relationship he ruined with your daughter, what reconciliations has he attempted if he is now reformed. What does he think and say about the situation in general, I would be interested to know.

DomPom47 · 29/12/2022 01:35

I d be the same OP.

MardyMincepie · 29/12/2022 02:04

I would and did do the same as your daughter, you need to reevaluate why you think so little of yourself that you would date an abusive alcoholic. My Mother remarried an alcoholic I never forgave her for what she put us through and out of her many children, two didn’t even bother to go to her funeral. At one point five of us were not going to attend. I had very limited contact with her and one of my sisters refused to have anything to do with her at all.

He is an alcoholic by the way even though you call him a heavy drinker.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/12/2022 02:12

"General clash of personalities" sounds quite vague. Does this mean he's said unpleasant things to her as well?

If your heart really is breaking and you want to repair the relationship, tell your partner that it was too soon to move in together. If he's a decent person he'll understand and try to help.

Murdoch1949 · 29/12/2022 02:15

She obviously thinks you have chosen badly and cannot bear to see you with him. She's worried.

HoppingPavlova · 29/12/2022 02:22

Your DD is staying away for good reason. You have put a man who drinks too much, picks fights with you when drunk and treats you abusively above your daughter who only has your best interest (and that of her children) at heart. I would not have let my children be around such a person either, nor would I have wanted to be myself. But you moved him in! This is the consequence.

namechangenumber296 · 29/12/2022 02:26

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Imagine the situation was reversed. Would you want your DD to stay with such a man? If not, then surely you can understand why it's hard for her to watch you burn.

She's pulling away precisely because she loves you so much. If you ever see your partner for who he is, I imagine your DD will be back to support you.

JudgeRudy · 29/12/2022 02:27

Sounds reasonable she's distancing herself from spending time with you both but there's no reason you two can't maintain a relationship. Sometimes people just don't get on.
However if he's abusive and you're either in denial or ignoring her advice it's gonna be hard for her to watch your destruction.
What does your partner say?

kateandme · 29/12/2022 02:36

She witnessed what I can imagine was shocking behaviour.traumtic at best.that hurt her for you and possibly long last damage to her mental wellbeing too.
Kids who witness this stuff can be seruously harmed.
If she has healing to do you need to be prioritising HER.
If he's sober it's down to him and you bit h to do the work to build trust.
But it may not be given and she's be within her right.
If he was ill/ addicted it's needs conversations. If he was just a nasty twat of a drunk then good for her for getting away.for not liking him.
But it is down to you to facilitate anything she needs to make the relationship work.
You need to ask and understand the trauma she went through.acknowledge listen and work through it.malinh her the priority.
A drunken home is one of THE worst.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 02:42

Why does your DD not get on with your partner? Is it from both sides

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 02:43

Sorry I just noticed there are already answers to those questions. Just reading them

Ivyonafence · 29/12/2022 02:44

Can you make an effort to see her without your partner?

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 02:47

I mean he doesn't sound like he's acted very well in front of her at all. Your DD might be feeling very uncomfortable around him and the dynamic he brings to the relationship when he is there with you both. His behaviour must have made her feel extremely uncomfortable. I wouldn't push it with her and I'd attempt to see her alone. I'd also start really questioning your partner and putting pressure on him to change his behaviour because he's making DD uncomfortable.
Failing that, leave him as he sounds like he is a bit volatile

Phoebesgift · 29/12/2022 02:50

Have you disappeared OP? Answers not to your liking? Your daughter is being sensible.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 02:54

Phoebesgift · 29/12/2022 02:50

Have you disappeared OP? Answers not to your liking? Your daughter is being sensible.

Tbf if she's in the UK it's nearly 3am so she's probably asleep 😆 🤣

pompomdaisy · 29/12/2022 02:55

Op didn't like the answer! Ditch the drunk loser and rebuild the relationship with your daughter.