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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult DD distancing herself from me - please help

145 replies

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:48

My DD (31) is distancing herself from me as she does not get along with my partner. I have managed to maintain a relationship with her and my 2 GC separately but since he moved in with me last month she is civil but holding me at arms length. We used to be very close and my heart is breaking. Any advice please.

OP posts:
strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 23:30

StrawberryWater · 28/12/2022 23:22

Does he still drink op?

Yes, that's the question. If it's a no, then you've made a really big error here.

Spiderboy · 28/12/2022 23:32

Your partner is a dick and she knows it.

Realistically, make plans with her outside your home, without your OH. Don’t try and force them together, ever. It won’t happen.

grumpycow1 · 28/12/2022 23:32

Sadly it’s not unreasonable especially if she has children. If your partner has had a drink problem and spoken to you like that in front of her then it’s probably HER heart breaking :( Maybe she feels you’ve chosen him over her?

poefaced · 28/12/2022 23:33

I think she is right to protect her dc from your and partner’s arguments and his possible alcoholism.

Do you want her to pretend to play happy family with you and him? For DGD to call him grandad?

Mariposista · 28/12/2022 23:34

There is no way I would be supportive of my mum if she shacked up with a disgusting, drunken abusive lout. It would break my heart too. But I would be there for her when it all goes tits up.

UnicornRidge · 28/12/2022 23:34

Your DD is doing the right thing for her and her DC. It is painful to see a parent in an abusive relationship. One of my close friends met this abusive and controlling guy. She is the golden goose while he looks bad, treats her badly and very manipulative. They got hitched quickly. He would not let her see friends alone. I am distancing myself from her.

UnicornRidge · 28/12/2022 23:35

It is painful to see my friends in abusive relationship. More painful for your DD to see her mum in one.

Rogue1001MNer · 28/12/2022 23:35

I am your DD in this scenario 😭😭😭😭
Although I'm 20 yrs older than her.

I've started 2 threads on here (under different names);about my DM's new BF. The love of her life, apparently.
He's a convicted criminal.
On my 2nd thread, pps said things like "I remember your previous thread".

I'm now LC with her.
Even when he's not there, she bangs on constantly about how amazing he is.
I can't cope with it.

I'm very sad about the situation, but - reluctantly - accept her choice.

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2022 23:36

How long has he been sober?

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 23:37

I’ve not seen my Dad in years because of his vile narcissist girlfriend, my sister barely has a relationship now with him either. She’s also tried to isolate him from most of his friends and his Mum. You can’t bring someone like this into your daughters life and expect it not to change the relationship. The fact he’s comfortable having blazing rows with you when she’s around, he obviously has no self control or morals.

CactusPat · 28/12/2022 23:38

I can’t bear my mum’s partner and she is aware of that. She has chosen to live with him and marry him which is of course her prerogative. It is also mine to choose to not go along with this series of events and distance me and my family from them. I’m an adult and choose not to spend my time with unpleasant people.

Popol · 28/12/2022 23:39

I'm the dd in a similar situation, I ended up going completely non contact. As others have said, it's completely soul destroying, stressful, etc dealing with this type of situation, where a family member shacks up with an abusive drunk. You just want to shake them tbh, but you can't, so you have to protect yourself even if the person won't protect themselves. It's exhausting just watching it play out, at some point you have to draw the line and keep them at arms distance/low contact/no contactm

You've made your choice, she's protecting herself from more of seeing you hurt.

CustardySergeant · 28/12/2022 23:40

strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 23:30

Yes, that's the question. If it's a no, then you've made a really big error here.

Show quote history

Why? Surely that's preferable to "Yes, he still drinks"

DifferenceEngines · 28/12/2022 23:41

My mum has a new partner. I actually like him, he seems to be a good person. However, she seems to have to either bring him along or talk about him constantly every time we meet. I'm so over it! I want a relationship with my mum that is not all about her new partner. It must be 1000 times worse if the partner isn't actually a nice person.

NumberTheory · 28/12/2022 23:42

If she witnessed arguments between you was she also someone who supported you when you were recovering from those arguments? Did she provide an ear when you moaned about him? Did she worry about you when he was drunk? Did she worry about you after the arguments? Was any of his abuse directed at her, even tangentially?

Because these are all reasons a loving mother would want her daughter to pull away. Your DD is protecting herself and her DC from the drama and emotional burnout that comes from supporting a victim of abuse who is still making poor choices. It must hurt, because you need support, now more than ever. But it’s too high a cost for her. Try calling Women’s Aid and see if you can get support from someone with less to lose.

Afterfire · 28/12/2022 23:43

Does he still drink? If so then your dd is absolutely right not to want to have anything to do with him. If he’s given up, recognises he has an issue and wants to change etc then maybe - maybe - he deserves a chance. But that’s such an individual thing and it’s hard for us to say having not actually witnessed the arguements and how bad they were.

You sound a bit love blinded.

beatsin8s · 28/12/2022 23:43

She knows how she felt witnessing what you described and doesn't want her children to witness the same. You're both adults, you chose him to be in her life and she's chosen him NOT to be in hers and her kids lives.

Only thing you can really do is try spend time with her away from your house without him. Do not under any circumstances try to encourage her to play happy families with him, have your separate relationship.

Zonder · 28/12/2022 23:44

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2022 22:53

That's not a clash of personality that is a daughter not wanting to see her mum in an abusive relationship

This. I was in her position and I wish I had done what she has in the hope my mum would come to her senses before it was too late.

DirectionToPerfection · 28/12/2022 23:45

Open your eyes OP.

Surely your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren trumps this new man, who is far from good for you.

FerryYaBerryLa · 28/12/2022 23:51

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

Pff how dismissive and insulting - ‘just a general clash of personalities’. You sound like an enabler of this man. I would love to hear your daughter’s side of this. You sound very much in denial of the fact your daughter seemingly has very legitimate reasons to maintain boundaries and a safe distance.

beatsin8s · 28/12/2022 23:54

Sorry, just realised you said you were already having a separate relationship.

I'm quite sure her heart is also breaking but she has no control over your choices, you've made them. You partner might have turned his life around but not in your daughters eyes and there will be a reason for that.

I genuinely do feel for you @Paolo123 because you sound like you have very low esteem and love your DD an GC. Unfortunately it looks like you either have to choose your partner or your daughter and grandchildren. Your daughter is not wrong to withdraw and I hope you get some professional support.

Brokendaughter · 28/12/2022 23:55

She doesn't want to join you in a life filled with the tension of will he/won't he revert to being an abusive man today.
You are already making excuses with your 'quite a heavy drinker' instead of abusive drunk.

She doesn't want to expose her children to the sort of toxic lifestyle that you have chosen.

She doesn't want the heartbreak of watching her mother throw herself into the gutter over a man who has already shown you what he is really like.

In Vino Veritas as they say.

YABU putting a man who is temporarily not drinking into a place it should have always been safe for your grandchildren & daughter to visit.

She is doing the right thing.
You are not.
Why do you want to expose people you are supposed to love to such a horrible situation & person?

Are you one of those women who drinks 'with' their partner, as if that somehow makes his behaviour 'both' your faults?

Maybe she doesn't want to watch you flush your life down the drain?
I wouldn't want to be around to see it.

LovePoppy · 28/12/2022 23:56

Paolo123 · 28/12/2022 22:52

He used to be quite a heavy drinker and unfortunately she witnessed some arguments between us. Doesn't like the way he spoke to me at that time and just a general clash of personalities.

So your daughter, who loves you, wants better for you, and you don’t understand why she keeps you at arms length??

butterfliedtwo · 28/12/2022 23:56

Based on your update: good for her. She's smart.

Be smart, too.

WhenTheCrowdSaysBo · 29/12/2022 00:00

Miss03852 · 28/12/2022 23:37

I’ve not seen my Dad in years because of his vile narcissist girlfriend, my sister barely has a relationship now with him either. She’s also tried to isolate him from most of his friends and his Mum. You can’t bring someone like this into your daughters life and expect it not to change the relationship. The fact he’s comfortable having blazing rows with you when she’s around, he obviously has no self control or morals.

I could have written this post - full sympathies, it’s a horrible, heartbreaking situation to experience.

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