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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

508 replies

Pondere · 28/12/2022 21:58

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondere · 29/12/2022 11:51

I didn’t say DH’s nephew is autistic. My PIL think he might be on the spectrum, only because he doesn’t play with other children. That is the sole reason - he has one friend at nursery and doesn’t play with others. There is no other indication or sign, so it’s hardly a drip feed when I was responding to comments that asked if he’s autistic.

DH did all the driving because he finds driving easier than sitting in the back and keeping DS entertained during the journey. I regularly offer to swap but he would rather drive. DS also still wakes during the night and settles a lot quicker with me than he does with DH, so it was gentler on DH to sleep alone in the living room than with DS in the bedroom.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/12/2022 12:14

Ah, so everyone is so grateful to see SIL that they give in to her demands!🙄

Millytante · 29/12/2022 12:16

diddl · 29/12/2022 12:14

Ah, so everyone is so grateful to see SIL that they give in to her demands!🙄

Indeed! I must be an oddbod, because I’d be very glad not to see her, Christmas or not.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/12/2022 12:20

Even if DN is autistic, how does that mean that SIL has to have a single room to herself, whilst somebody else is shoved on the sofa?

Could she still not share the double bed with him? Autistic or not, surely it's part of his regular routine and expectations - aged 5 - that his mum is nearby much of the time?

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 29/12/2022 12:28

Well done OP, fantastic attitude. You are right, the arrangements are ridiculous, but as you have pointed out, it is only 2 nights, the visit is important to your DH and it is not as if you have been asked to sleep on the garage floor with nothing but a sack for covering and a bucket of icy water to bath in.

BaileySharp · 29/12/2022 12:39

It is ridiculous but I think best thing is to put up with it to avoid a conflict as DH wants to see his sister. She is unreasonable but sometimes you have to let family do unreasonable things to keep the peace unfortunately.
She could have at least shared with her DS so everyone got a bed! We don't make a habit of sharing with DD but when staying at in laws with limited beds we have to and do

zingally · 29/12/2022 13:24

Totally bonkers!

I'm amazed they're okay with a 5 year old having a whole double bed and presumably larger room, while his own MOTHER crams into a single bed!

Of course you should have the double room!

This 5 year old is going to turn into a massive brat.

I'd have got back in the car and gone home again!

diddl · 29/12/2022 13:57

I'd also be thinking about why you don't see SIL.

If it's because she's not interested for example, I'd be trying to help my husband accept this, rather than be so desperate for any scraps that she throws that he is willing for himself & family to be treated as less than her.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 14:47

DN prob feels superior to the other small dc. After all he has adult privileges already...

FlounderingFruitcake · 29/12/2022 14:52

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 14:47

DN prob feels superior to the other small dc. After all he has adult privileges already...

Probably feels superior to the adults too since they’re in single beds or on the sofa!!

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2022 15:05

Millytante · 29/12/2022 11:37

I don’t know, didn’t she say only that it was suggested by the grandparents that he might be a little bit on the spectrum? Certainly undiagnosed. That’s true of many of us, really, and isn’t enough to excuse and indulge entitled behaviour.

Show quote history

You really need to educate yourself on Autism. No the traits don't apply to many of us and avoiding triggers, meeting care needs isn't indulging entitled behaviour.

Millytante · 29/12/2022 15:08

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2022 15:05

You really need to educate yourself on Autism. No the traits don't apply to many of us and avoiding triggers, meeting care needs isn't indulging entitled behaviour.

Show quote history

No doubt. But let a clinical diagnosis dictate all that first, otherwise we’d all be doing/perceiving exactly the wrong thing at every turn.

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/12/2022 15:11

YADNBU.

Having said that, I’d also suck it up for two nights to keep the peace with your PILs, even though it would’ve been tempting to strongly question the fairness of your SIL and her DS getting a bedroom each!

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2022 15:32

Millytante · 29/12/2022 15:08

No doubt. But let a clinical diagnosis dictate all that first, otherwise we’d all be doing/perceiving exactly the wrong thing at every turn.

Show quote history

So you put a child through distress and meltdowns etc because you haven't got a formal diagnosis? Lockdown has created a backlog, children haven't been picked up because they haven't been in an education setting etc. It's better to do needs led parenting if you suspect SEN etc. When my GC finally got to see an OT they were surprised that she hadn't had fractures , extreme hypermobility, dyspraxia, glue ear etc, but luckily we'd applied needs led, rather than being hung up on a formal diagnosis, so no harm was done. My youngest didn't get an autism diagnosis until she was 18, but luckily she was in the right setting as a teen and we went with what she needed, so no harm was done.

Millytante · 29/12/2022 15:51

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2022 15:32

So you put a child through distress and meltdowns etc because you haven't got a formal diagnosis? Lockdown has created a backlog, children haven't been picked up because they haven't been in an education setting etc. It's better to do needs led parenting if you suspect SEN etc. When my GC finally got to see an OT they were surprised that she hadn't had fractures , extreme hypermobility, dyspraxia, glue ear etc, but luckily we'd applied needs led, rather than being hung up on a formal diagnosis, so no harm was done. My youngest didn't get an autism diagnosis until she was 18, but luckily she was in the right setting as a teen and we went with what she needed, so no harm was done.

Show quote history

Oh lord. OP has stated that no such evidence has been seen, and she’d surely not have posted this theme, in which the child is a player, if she had any good reason to overlook the indulging of his whim.
No, one would not put any child through the mill if they had a history of distress such as you describe. But that’s not the case here, it seems. Young kids do carry on unacceptably at times, and it’s surely not always due to neurodivergence.
Of course, the lad may indeed require a closer assessment at some stage, but for now wouldn’t you think the family can decide what is the case with him and (in future, we’d hope!) organise things accordingly?
That’s not being ‘hung up on a formal diagnosis’, it’s just saying that not every slightly individualistic kid needs any such thing in the first place, and you can’t apply an amateur (that’s not meant in a pejorative sense) needs assessment to every child on the off chance.

Ach; anyway. Excellent that those young people in your family had an alert person such as yourself on their team, and they received all necessary attention.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/12/2022 15:57

And I'll say it again: even if the DN does have autism, that doesn't cause him to need his mum to take one of the single rooms for herself rather than share the double bed with him, sleep on the floor next to him or offer to have the sofa.

pocketvenuss · 29/12/2022 21:25

Jesus I think I'd never go back. Family sounds like hard work

kateandme · 30/12/2022 03:09

There's an obvious need from your dh family to accomadation their sister/ daughter and uve stated there is a reason why.so whilst really unfortunate and horrid for you right now.for two nights it's not the worst.and the ilaws and yoyr dh obv feel it needs to be done so I think that makes them actually really bloody lovely they'd do that for a family member that needs that right now.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/12/2022 08:52

There's an obvious need from your dh family to accomadation their sister/ daughter and uve stated there is a reason why.so whilst really unfortunate and horrid for you right now.for two nights it's not the worst.and the ilaws and yoyr dh obv feel it needs to be done so I think that makes them actually really bloody lovely they'd do that for a family member that needs that right now.

Yes, there's a need to accommodate them, but there isn't a need for them to deliberately over-accommodate them. If they're lovely for doing it for one family member that needs it, what does that make them not doing it for the other family member who also needs it, when they could do it for both?

If you had two hungry family members who needed a meal, and you could afford two meals, would you buy them one each or buy two for one of them and tell the other they could have the first person's leftovers, if there were any?

I'm still at a loss as to how a 5yo manages to make use of a double bed, never mind why they should be given one when it means an adult doesn't have a bed space at all.

GabriellaMontez · 30/12/2022 14:15

kateandme · 30/12/2022 03:09

There's an obvious need from your dh family to accomadation their sister/ daughter and uve stated there is a reason why.so whilst really unfortunate and horrid for you right now.for two nights it's not the worst.and the ilaws and yoyr dh obv feel it needs to be done so I think that makes them actually really bloody lovely they'd do that for a family member that needs that right now.

What is the obvious need for a child to have a double bed while his uncle sleeps on the sofa (after a long drive)? Have I missed something?

Kittenmitten22 · 31/12/2022 11:01

Sounds like the 5 year old is a little spoilt! Crikey! Whether he is 'used to the double bed' or not, it makes no sense for him to be in there, while everyone else is squeezed in rooms and sleeping on sofas. PIL's are obviously just trying to keep the peace, but they need a backbone in this and say no, these are the sleeping arrangements, like it or lump it!

hot2trotter · 31/12/2022 11:02

Yet another post from a doormat. Why don't more people stand up for themselves? Your husband is a walkover, no wonder his sister does it.

BellePeppa · 31/12/2022 11:15

Catterpillarwithconverse · 28/12/2022 22:05

At least sil should share with her son so your DH has a bedroom. Why is your DH being such a pushover?

If they’re brother and sister I’m guessing she’s been a domineering cow his whole life but it’s time he fought back. This is a ridiculous pandering by all except the OP and even if it means a row, this should not go unchallenged.

ladydoe · 31/12/2022 11:15

I would just go home and be more comfortable
sod them!
oh and tell Hubby to get a Backbone

Grrrrdarling · 31/12/2022 11:16

Pondere · 28/12/2022 21:58

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

she can get knotted & personally I’d tell SIL to stop raising her child like a snowflake who thinks everything & everyone has to pander to them.
If they can’t sleep in a single bed they will have plenty of space on the mattress on the floor of the single room.
If you arrived 1st & are already set up in the room it is even more yours by the family & friends rule of bagsies anyway … lol
SIL is raising a brat & PIL aren’t helping. I’d book to stay somewhere else & but stay for Xmas again. They are mental!