This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

Your husband is a complete wet blanket. That's some serious loser energy he's projecting (in this situation)
I'm sure he's normally confident and assertive as I can't believe anyone would find him attractive enough to actually sleep with him if this is his normal character. Your PIL and SIL sound like selfish idiots.

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I’ve not spoken to DH yet as he’s still asleep. After DS and I woke up I sent him to our room so that he can sleep in there. He did all the driving and we’re still recovering from that nasty bug going round so he was absolutely shattered last night.

There is a complicated history with SIL which means we don’t see her that much, which I know is really upsetting for DH and PIL. So he’s just glad that she’s here at the same time for Christmas, as are their parents, hence why they don’t want to do or say anything that will make her pack up and head home. They blame her behaviour on her stressful marriage so let her get away with murder…I always saw those traits in her before her marriage became stressful so I see it more as her nature.

Having slept on it, I know it’s ridiculous that we have been made to sleep this way, but it’s one more night so so we’ll make do. I agree a conversation needs to be had about what happens next time (if there is a next time!) but because DH and PIL are just glad everyone is together for Christmas, I don’t want to rock the boat, even though I am very much the one who keeps having to suffer because of her.

Thank you for confirming that the set up was unacceptable, I just couldn’t help but I question myself. Oh and some people mentioned perhaps DH’s nephew is autistic. PIL suspect he is on the spectrum, but only mild. There has been no formal assessment.

YANBU but all these PP saying leave and go home - would you really do this after a long journey and create the absolute shitstorm with the in laws that this would cause? It's fine to be a keyboard warrior but in real life would you actually be brave enough to do it?
I have a similar issue with my Sil and whilst it drives me mad I just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. It just means I limit visits to PIL and subtly make excuses to avoid the family holidays they want to go on. I know they're disappointed by this but it's their own fault.

You should have left DH asleep on the sofa so that they couldn't use the room until he wakes up. It's the only way to give natural consequences of their actions. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. I'm sure that they would have loved been stuck in the kitchen/dining room/hallway this morning as the living room would be out of bounds.

You are a better person than me @Pondere , I'd make sure I confirmed the sleeping arrangements before hand every time from now on, just to push home the point

Go home....

You are not being unreasonable, how ridiculous.

Your and PIL are SIL teaching the 5yo all about privilege, good luck to them when that child grows up!

That’s the main thing. If only out of self-interest, the grandparents ought to quit enabling this carryon, because the lad is heading for major meltdowns on birthdays, just like Dudley in Harry Potter, having a tantrum because his pile of expensive presents is not gigantic enough.

He did all the driving

tbh, op, you're a bit of a twat here in this case too for not taking the sofa.

We have had similar shenanigans in the past but niece is autistic so we have gone along with it to keep the peace. The last few Christmas's we have visited separately which is much more civilised.

YANBU.

Why on earth did they give the five year old a double bed in the first place? He should have been given the single bed the first time he stayed. Young children are normally happier in a single bed and can get disorientated in a double bed ( eg on occasions when mine have slept in a double bed when there was no single (eg in hotel rooms) they have slept worse and got disorientated ending up sideways or upside down in the bed!). I am assuming the 5 year old doesn’t sleep in a double bed at home? Now SIL and parents have made a problem and your family are not being hosted in any sort of comfort while SIL and child have spread themselves out nicely.

Personally I would leave asap and say you cant stay at same time as SIL in future. They will need to organise Christmas and other events so you are on a rota or visits are staggered. I would let your parents know how disappointed you are that they have allowed this to happen.

I think that after this visit you should refuse to ever sleep there again. If it's just a couple of times a year you can easily book a hotel round the corner.

YANBU but all these PP saying leave and go home - would you really do this after a long journey and create the absolute shitstorm with the in laws that this would cause? It's fine to be a keyboard warrior but in real life would you actually be brave enough to do it?

I have done this. Turned up at MILs (after driving over from Europe to the North of England) to find that i was to sleep on the floor in the living room or DH old tiny bedroom, he was to sleep in his old single bed and the BIL and his gf who lived a 20 minute walk away were to have the guest room with double bed.

Turned around and drove to a Traveloge for that night, and spent the rest of the time with my parents. DH had to get a train to me to get home because he couldn't drive.

I did somewhat burn the bridges with his toxic family after that, but no skin off my nose since i really didn't like any of them.

I'd probably have gone and plonked my own child in the double bed alongside actually, or even myself, but I've always had a low tolerance for this kind of thing. And have a bad back.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the OP making her DH take the sofa after he drove for 11 hours.

I'd go along with it and then just laugh and refuse to go next year.

I’d be going home.

I'd have stayed last night, but would be going home today and would make sure I share the driving with DH

Given DH's failure to stand up to his own family over these ridiculous sleeping arrangements, I'd have let him sleep on the sofa too.

It took until the end for the OP to say that the lad is autistic. So if the arrangements had have been changed, it might have been a case of no-one getting any sleep.

It should have been discussed in advanced and a hotel booked, by the sounds of it. We don't know if the baby only settles for the OP or is still bf etc.

well, yes. That too.

But if i had done that, i would have had the room with the sofa out of bounds for everyone.

TBH in OP's shoes? I would book into a hotel until the SIL is gone. She sounds like hard work. and for future visits if she's to be there I'd let DH go alone.

I don’t know, didn’t she say only that it was suggested by the grandparents that he might be a little bit on the spectrum? Certainly undiagnosed. That’s true of many of us, really, and isn’t enough to excuse and indulge entitled behaviour.

PIL suspect he is on the spectrum, but only mild. There has been no formal assessment

Longest drip-feed ever.

1. Get out of the high-functioning/mild mindset. It isn't linear.
2. Assessments take ages, even more so since Covid. EHCPs are like golddust.
3. It was only for two nights. You could take the double for 4.
4. Your DH had no problem and he's the driver on the sofa.

Myths

1. You can be "a little bit" autistic
2. We are "all" on the spectrum

Yes, there is a difference between "classic" autism, where the child might need care 24-7 but you are autistic or you're not.
No, we aren't all quirky/on the spectrum and it isn't linear.

Suck it up this year but refuse to go again. 11 hrs is a crazy drive too!