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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think how I discipline my dog is no-one else’s business?

239 replies

1Childand1Dog87 · 28/12/2022 21:17

I have a 3 year old dog, had him ever since he was a puppy. I am quite strict with him - he isn’t allowed to jump up at people, he isn’t allowed to approach other dogs without the owner’s permission, he is sent to his bed when the family eat so he doesn’t beg for food, he is told no when he touches something he shouldn’t like the children’s toys etc - and occasionally if I have had to tell him more than once about something (he has a habit of getting distracted when guests are over) then he goes to his bed for some time out etc.

Because of this, he is generally a really well behaved dog and I’ve never really had any issues with him apart from if he gets distracted and overwhelmed with loads of people or loads going on, he can struggle to concentrate on what is being said to him - but that is something that is a work in progress. In a normal environment he is very good at listening, etc.

The issues I have had however are with family members making comments every time I do put these boundaries into place - because basically they think he should be able to just do whatever he wants to do. Like an example from earlier today - his behaviour has been all over the place the last few days from being quite overwhelmed with Christmas and busy households - this is normal for him and will settle back down when everything else quietens down. He had something in his mouth that he shouldn’t have done and could have easily caused an issue to himself had he swallowed it - I told him to drop it a couple of times and he didn’t - so I VERY lightly tapped him on the nose and he dropped it straight away and went back to playing with his toys. I very rarely do that unless it’s something he needs to let go of right that second for his own sake and safety and he isn’t listening to verbal commands because of distractions etc rather than trying to drag it out of his mouth. But my family said I should have just left him and he might have dropped it eventually etc.

One family member has a similar dog and she lets him get away with murder and then constantly moans about it - he doesn’t let her sleep and rules the household basically - and yet she criticises me for actually having rules and boundaries with my dog.

Any advice for how I handle this situation?

OP posts:
MabelMoo23 · 28/12/2022 22:56

Yep tapping on the nose is vile. And in the same category for a dog as “I just tapped my child”

a dogs nose is the most sensitive part of its body. So yep, YABU for that alone

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 22:57

Your training seems to be about punishment not training.

I agree.

Forgetting about the tapping on the nose, I am quite astonished by how you speak about your dog like they’re an unruly child who needs strict rules at all times.
But even if this was a child, I’d think you were way too intense.

Original poster
1Childand1Dog87 · 28/12/2022 22:57

@Aprilx my dog is very happy at the moment actually - he is playing with his new toys from Christmas, tail wagging like anything and has just had some left over chicken from dinner - but I’m glad you have the skill to make assumptions, even if they are wrong 🥰

OP posts:
Spinninggyro · 28/12/2022 22:57

Such extreme reactions to a caring owner keeping her dog safe. A light touch on the nose given that he had a sharp object in his mouth is not cruelty.

It’s clearly a much loved and well trained dog.

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 23:00

sometimes I need to do that for his own sake and his own good

Which is great!

Dogs need to be able to get away from all of the hussle and bussle and some can get very overwhelmed.

But I think I would concentrate on loosening the reins a bit and having an area the dog can choose to go whenever they start feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

WilsonMilson · 28/12/2022 23:00

Your dog, your rules. You’re stricter than most, but that’s no one else’s business.

certainshepherdpups · 28/12/2022 23:00

WRT your relatives, it can certainly be annoying when people put their oar in when they really should mind their own business. However, I agree with PPs that hitting (or "tapping") a dog's nose is absolutely the wrong thing to do. I can understand panicking and acting instinctively, but it's definitely not something that should ever be repeated.

You can train a dog using entirely positive methods, no need for punishment of any kind, including timeouts. If you're finding it exhausting to supervise your dog and ensure his good behaviour, I would suggest that perhaps he isn't well-behaved but rather unsure of himself and possibly confused about what is allowed. If you develop a strong bond with your dog, he will look to you for guidance and feel confident about what to do (and not do). That doesn't mean he will always get it right. But none of us do, people or animals. We all make mistakes. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. And work on strengthening your bond with your dog with fun activities, games, positive interactions (all of which are types of training, opportunities for your dog to learn), rather than focusing on discipline.

Original poster
1Childand1Dog87 · 28/12/2022 23:03

@certainshepherdpups I think that’s really well put and really helpful so thank you, I’m definitely going to take on board the helpful comments on this board and make some changes! I think I’ve just been so strict because you get people moaning all the time about dogs that aren’t well behaved and nuisances so I thought I was doing the right thing by making them do x,y and z but I think I should definitely ease up a bit and let his personality shine through too - because he is a cracking little dog!

OP posts:
silverclock222 · 28/12/2022 23:04

If only other dog owners had dogs as well trained as this it would be amazing. Wee tap not great but I understand the panic so no harm done.

Wetnovember · 28/12/2022 23:05

@1Childand1Dog87 . I’m a strict dog mummy too- although not as strict as you. I’d just say what I say about my children…’my dog my rules’. MN is a funny place sometimes……if a dog does anything that isn’t ‘well behaved’ the owner gets chastised for not training the dog properly. If the dog is properly trained (as yours clearly is), then you are apparently being too strict. I get comments all the time about how well behaved our dog is- I assume it’s because most dogs these days aren’t.
we don’t call it time out, but our dog goes to her bed when she is naughty, and she absolutely understands it.
you are doing a great job!

Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 23:08

Tap is basically a word people use when they smack their dog/kid to make it sound like they don’t smack their dog/kid. Because if you literally ‘tapped’ him - as in simply touched him with your hand - it would have no effect because he wouldn’t feel it. So you smack your dog on the nose when it misbehaves - for me that’s unacceptable. It also sounds like you use some odd techniques like ‘time out’ if the dog doesn’t immediately obey. These types of punishments aren’t likely to work because he’s a dog. If he gets overwhelmed when it’s busy then preventative measures would work better than time outs.

thelobsterquadrille · 28/12/2022 23:09

You shouldn't need to be this strict by the time they're three because most of the basics should be ingrained by now.

One point that stands out to me is that you have to physically send him to his bed for him to be able to calm down and sleep. It's good that you do that, but by three I would expect him to be doing that himself without input from you - which makes me wonder whether you ever let him make his own decisions, or is everything so tightly controlled that he hasn't got that freedom?

My beagle goes to his bed while he eat - but I don't need to send him there, it's just his routine and he knows that's what he has to do.

I would try giving him more freedom to choose and see if the training is working or whether he only does things because he's asked. I hope that makes sense!

Rosesandbutterflys · 28/12/2022 23:09

LOL at these animal abuse replies!

We too are strict with our two dogs OP, which is why they’re so impeccably behaved and are not a danger to themselves or others. You won’t get sensible replies on mumsnet though, the majority treat their dog like they would a child. They think they can reason with them like you can a child.

I wish more people were stricter with their dogs, there’d be less arsehole dogs.

Thingiemajig · 28/12/2022 23:09

Easy enough to open the dogs mouth and remove the object. Wouldn’t have occurred to me to tap/smack.

SqueakySquirrel · 28/12/2022 23:11

If it was so light and ineffectual how come he dropped the pin?

marvellousmaple · 28/12/2022 23:11

toocold54 · 28/12/2022 22:57

Your training seems to be about punishment not training.

I agree.

Forgetting about the tapping on the nose, I am quite astonished by how you speak about your dog like they’re an unruly child who needs strict rules at all times.
But even if this was a child, I’d think you were way too intense.

Completely agree. Have 3 dogs , including an 8 month old puppy . Try to remember they are dogs, not toddler children. They need to run and crash tackle and chase and dig. Not sit cowering because if they act like a dog they are "sent to bed for time out".

Ludo19 · 28/12/2022 23:11

You sound like a responsible owner in the way your dog doesn't jump up and has good manners.

I also totally get your panic at having a drawing pin in his mouth, I'm a vet nurse, we unfortunately lost a dog to swallowing the same thing.

stayathomer · 28/12/2022 23:14

I don’t know op- reading your post it just sometimes makes me think humans aren’t right for animal ownership. As it stands the voters are leaning towards yanbu, and these same voters are probably the people who say most dog owners can’t control their dogs, but honestly how is your dog enjoying life if he’s being hounded (pun intended;)) about everything. It just makes me wonder why some people have dogs. I have a Ipoh I bring to training classes and am in some fb dog groups and some people are just so strung up over making sure dogs are held to attention every second and so aghast that a dog isn’t trained to within an inch of his life. Surely there’s a happy medium between this and dogs who run riot?

certainshepherdpups · 28/12/2022 23:17

@1Childand1Dog87you're very welcome. Training dogs can be as much of a minefield as raising children, with all the conflicting advice out there. Have you ever watched Kikopup's videos on YouTube? She's a wonderful dog trainer who uses only positive methods.

StarDolphins · 28/12/2022 23:19

’time out’ & tapped (however lightly) him along with all the other many rules, he doesn’t sound like he has an enjoyable life at all.

justasking111 · 28/12/2022 23:23

Looking at local FB pages some folks really hate dogs, they don't want to se them on beaches, in woodland, up in the hills. They don't want them off lead ever. Because dogs aren't to be trusted, they once got nipped by a dog, a dog jumped up and scared them. Dog pooh and wee kills. If they see a dog in the distance they jump into the nearest hedge, sand dune

The twattery is endless. We use whistles and hand commands, pick up after our dogs who are supremely uninterested in other humans and dogs when out. Still that's not enough for some sigh....

justcallmebozo · 28/12/2022 23:23

Some very good advice from @DairyDiary and others.
And a tap on the nose to get the dog's attention in a situation where you have to act quickly is perfectly reasonable.
But also a lot of stupid comments on here today - OP is a bully, is controlling and abusive, is causing pain as a punishment, is cruel and don’t deserve a dog, and should have the dog rehomed........
Some of these mumsnetters are really off the scale today!

CheesesandWines · 28/12/2022 23:26

Could you speak to your family the way you do to your dog ? Then they might get it .

TheGuv1982 · 28/12/2022 23:26

Doesn’t sound like a great life for the dog imo. As for hitting the dog, next time get your hands in there to remove the object, rather than resorting to “a light tap”. Pretty shameful really. I’m

xogossipgirlxo · 28/12/2022 23:28

Tap on the nose is vile😂 I think I’ve seen it all. If only all people disciplined their dogs as you do. YANBU. I can’t imagine having i.e.german shepherd and not being able to discipline him😬 Cats are to be spoiled. Dogs must know discipline, otherwise they think they rule the house.