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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/12/2022 21:25

ThePoshUns · 28/12/2022 21:16

How would a 10 yr old go about buying a present by himself, even if he does have the money?

It partly depends where you live.

We're in a small town, kids got themselves to & from school at that age & could have been given money & got something on the way home from school.

roaringmouse · 28/12/2022 21:25

I understand your concerns - that it's some sort of indication of your ds's thoughtfulness, or lack of it - but while some ten year olds will be able to consider this sort of thing, for many it will be beyond them, and that's without the practical issues of actually making a purchase. That said, he isn't too young to start exploring this more with you.

Why not have a chat with him at some point, about why we give gifts, and the intention behind the gift-giving. You could say that while he is so young, a little drawing or some similar thing, that he has spent some time thinking about making for you, would be the sort of thing you would most appreciate. Presumably he has done something similar for Mother's Day, so you could mention this and explain how it made you feel to receive such a lovely card (or whatever he may have given you previously).

It's probably most important at this stage to try and plant the seed about gifts not necessarily being about spending money, but about the thoughtfulness behind them.

Bananagirl23 · 28/12/2022 21:26

saleorbouy · 28/12/2022 21:23

I'm amazed that a 10year old was allowed to blow £500 on crap. Surely he'd have been better off with some guidance to save some for something he might want to buy or do in the future.
I don't think it's unreasonable for a 10 year old to understand the concept of gift giving and buy or make a small present.
My DC 7 & 9 both had ideas for small thoughtful gifts for parents and Grandparents.

This! You could go on summer holiday with that amount of money!! I feel sick at the thought of my nearly 10 year old burning through £500 like it’s nothing. Why wasn’t the money given to you as the parent to put into his savings and show him how to spend in a responsible way?

LikeAStar1994 · 28/12/2022 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So which part of your reply was you being kind?

Disgusting comment. Reported.

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2022 21:28

wtf did he buy with 500 pounds-if hes never been taught it how do you expect him to buy presents for you

MuggleMe · 28/12/2022 21:29

My 8yo wrapped a necklace she bought on a school trip for me for Christmas. Now i suspect she was just looking for something she already had but the thought was there.

But in terms of learning it's the norm, I don't think it's unfair to take DS to B&M and suggest now is a good time to buy you something, or mention it when at the airport rather than hoping he remembers.

purser25 · 28/12/2022 21:29

Maybe it’s a generation thing that children don’t or aren’t expected to buy presents I know at 10: I would write a list and buy quite a few little bits. Probably not that wonderful I do remember making my Dad a shoe shine pad. I got my younger brother a red plastic train from a jumble sale. It’s good for children to learn to gift to others and not just take. But really teenagers not buying for their parents and not being expected to that is sad providing they have money of their own.

grumpycow1 · 28/12/2022 21:29

Why was he just let loose with the money and how did he actually go and spend it? This is true main issue for me, he needs to be taught about saving up for stuff and maybe not to just blow that amount of cash on crap. I think he’s too young to be expected to buy you a gift but it is definitely a teachable moment to chat about the the money side of things with him if you can. And he’s only 10, you don’t have to let him spend it on crap!!

JoonT · 28/12/2022 21:31

Why not have a quiet word with him? Calmly explain that he must learn to think about other people. Explain that selfishness is an ugly and unpleasant trait, etc.

Most of the good things about human beings – empathy, selflessness, kindness, manners, etc – have to be learned. Selfishness comes naturally!!

Efrogwraig · 28/12/2022 21:32

l must admit l wondered why he was allowed to spend all £500 on tat? Does he not have a savings account for some of it?

l guess if your family don't give you presents he doesn't know that he should. Get your brother to take him next year.

raffegiraffe · 28/12/2022 21:32

This is my first year both my kids bought gifts for others. Boy is a young 13, girl is 11. Boy wouldn't have thought to get me a gift at 10, his sister probably would as she's naturally thoughtful

saraclara · 28/12/2022 21:32

Presumably all of you with ten year olds go to the shops to do your own Christmas shopping. Do you not take your dc with you to have them choose parents for their grandparents and siblings if they have them?

All you have to do is then give them some time alone in one of the bigger stores (even a big supermarket) to choose something for you, and then meet at the other side of the tills.

I remain astounded that so many of you think that it's so incredibly difficult.

Weller123 · 28/12/2022 21:33

What 10 year old boys are taking their own Christmas money, popping themselves to the shops and selecting gifts for others?! Then there’s the extra skills that would go into wrapping these gifts, hiding them and presenting them at the correct time. Those that think this is a reasonable expectation, or that the child is spoilt for not doing so, have probably not spend much time around 10 year old children.
Doesn’t mean he’s ungrateful or spoilt, I’m sure he thinks the world of his Mum & will become a lovely adult, just means he has only reached the average developmental stage of a 10 year old.

melj1213 · 28/12/2022 21:35

LikeAStar1994 · 28/12/2022 21:22

"He's only 10. YABU"

Total bollocks. As soon as a child reaches double digits in age, they are old enough to into a shop and buy their Mum a little gift Hmm

But 10yos aren't psychic, they need this behaviour modeling to them first.

All the parents who say their child "just started buying them gifts" will, undoubtedly, have modelled gift buying behaviour at the very least that the children have then copied. Whether it was having the children come with them to buy gifts for other people or having a parent take the child to the shops when they were little to buy what they chose and then allowing them more independence as they got older, there will have been some sort of information sharing about gift giving from adult to child.

In the OPs case this has not happened. In her family gifts at Christmas are only given to children, so if he's not seen an adult receive a Christmas gift then why would it occur to him to buy his mother something unprompted? And if he did figure it out himself then how was he supposed to logistically buy a gift without adult support? Yes he could have asked the OP to take him shopping but it wouldn't occur to a lot of children to ask the person they want to buy a gift for to take them to buy said gift.

DD is a teen now and she always buys ExDH and I birthday and Christmas gifts, but even now we will both prompt her about buying gifts and give her extra pocket money to do so - I will ask her when she wants to go shopping for ExDHs gift and she'll tell me "Oh I've already got something" or "I want to get him X so can you take me to Y Shop at the weekend to get it, please?" ... But neither of those options just happened, we've both been modelling this behaviour since she was tiny, so now it's just second nature.

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 28/12/2022 21:35

op you're getting a bit of a bashing here.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset and disappointed but I think you'd be unreasonable to tell your son off about it. If that makes sense.

Could you talk to a family member and get them to assist him and maybe that will instill in him a knowledge that its important to think of others?

It might be that he's not being spoiled or entitled. It might simply not have occurred to him. Some children can have a one track mind and it may simply not be on his radar. Did he buy presents for anyone else?

Maybe next year you could take him on a shopping trip and buy presents for other family members together too?

Xx

Theneverendingdrama · 28/12/2022 21:36

I dont think 10 is too young as others suggested. My DS is 9 and even if he cant get to a shop he'd pick something online, give me the cash then I'd pay with my bank card.

Spending the 500 on rubbish is shocking to me. My DS got 20 pounds as a gift yesterday. I suggested we go to the cinema one day with it. He came back later that evening and said instead of going to the cinema, he wants to give the money to a charity that helps children.

jtaeapa · 28/12/2022 21:36

10 yo boys are not going present buying. They would be assisted by an adult.

saraclara · 28/12/2022 21:37

What 10 year old boys are taking their own Christmas money, popping themselves to the shops and selecting gifts for others?! Then there’s the extra skills that would go into wrapping these gifts, hiding them and presenting them at the correct time. Those that think this is a reasonable expectation, or that the child is spoilt for not doing so, have probably not spend much time around 10 year old children.

This is exactly what I mean by underestimating and infantilising double digit kids. And yes, I've had my own ten year olds and I've taught bucketloads of them. They are way more capable than many here seem to think. The low expectations around here are actually quite worrying.

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 21:38

How did the other kids on the whatsapp group acquire their gifts? I am betting any under the age of 12 had some help.
My 23 and 13 yo got me a bag of chocolate buttons and some candles. TWENTY THREE! He did cook Xmas lunch.

Mariposista · 28/12/2022 21:38

When I was 8 I went on Brownie Camp. We were allowed £5 pocket money. On the Sunday they took us to the local town market and I bought my mum a tiny glass box for 3,50. Most of the girls spent the lot on sweets but I was so proud of this little gift. Mum still has it in her house, 30 years later. Children cam be thoughtful, but it is easy nowadays for them to be selfish. Life seems to revolve around children in many cases (and 500 is too much for a young child).

TheOrigRights · 28/12/2022 21:39

Theneverendingdrama · 28/12/2022 21:36

I dont think 10 is too young as others suggested. My DS is 9 and even if he cant get to a shop he'd pick something online, give me the cash then I'd pay with my bank card.

Spending the 500 on rubbish is shocking to me. My DS got 20 pounds as a gift yesterday. I suggested we go to the cinema one day with it. He came back later that evening and said instead of going to the cinema, he wants to give the money to a charity that helps children.

How is your 9 yo able to buy things online?

Lenald · 28/12/2022 21:39

Jesus Christ… I’m not religious but I’ll pray for him.

YABVU wtf?

You have needs for presents? Get a partner what a disgusting attitude to have, your poor little boy. Sort it out.

TimeToFlyNow · 28/12/2022 21:39

jtaeapa · 28/12/2022 21:36

10 yo boys are not going present buying. They would be assisted by an adult.

I must have a really amazing 10 year old boy then ! 🙄

Themind · 28/12/2022 21:40

HE. IS. 10
That is all

Toomuchtrouble4me · 28/12/2022 21:40

Keyansier · 28/12/2022 20:01

Sounds like he's spoiled and this is the result of that.

Why do you think he’s spoiled?
because he had a nice holiday and got a lot of money given through a large family? That doesn’t make him spoiled.