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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
CockwombleOfWimbledonIsCommon · 28/12/2022 21:07

Dillydollydingdong · 28/12/2022 20:00

Buy yourself something and tell him he's paying for it out of his pocket money. Then stop his pocket money for the appropriate number of weeks!

WTF?

He's a child and needs guidance and an adult to remind/assist him with present-buying.

leccybill · 28/12/2022 21:07

Have you modelled the importance and joy of giving - perhaps a little Christmas present for his best friend, teacher or neighbour?

If his Christmas was all just Lapland/cash, maybe he wanted some presents to open so he spent his cash on things he likes/wants - but £500 in one go? I would not let my 10yo do this.
What did he buy?

Citylab · 28/12/2022 21:08

It's the parents job to teach kids how to buy presents and how it's important. We always used to take them to poundland with some pocket money when they were younger to pick out gifts

They learn about being generous gradually and begin to enjoy giving presents but I wouldn't expect them to think of it themselves at 10 years old.

autienotnaughty · 28/12/2022 21:08

He's ten I wouldn't expect him to have the level of empathy you want him too. It's also not his responsibility to make you feel better. Treat yourself, buy yourself gifts and when you treat your kids do it for the joy of it not to expect anything back

XmasElf10 · 28/12/2022 21:08

My DD is 11 and got me a gift. The conversation went “you need to get me a Xmas gift, do you know what you want to get?” She then specified a local gift shop that she normally buys for me from. I drive her there, handed her cash, told the owner at the counter that DD was going to get me a gift and waited outside. My mum helped her wrap it after I took her and the gift to mums.

My DD is not uncaring or ungenerous but she is still a kid and needs organisational help. You messed this up not your son, next year take him to shops specifically for him to buy you a gift and tell him that’s why he is there!

NotTerfNorCis · 28/12/2022 21:10

Ten is old enough to be considerate. I knew were i was six that everyone was supposed to get a present, and if you could give one you should.

Tinner01 · 28/12/2022 21:10

Im not sure how I could spend £500 on material items myself! Wtf has he bought op?

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2022 21:10

It boggles my mind that so many MN ers want to infantilise 10/11 year olds. They shouldn't be expected to be able to do simple thoughtful things, apparently.

I don't think it's that people are trying to say 10 year olds are too young to buy gifts for their parents - if OP had asked "AIBU to send DS to buy me a gift", I'm sure no-one would have said it was a bad idea.

It's the fact the AIBU is about being disappointed in the DS for not having taken the initiative to buy a gift at that age, despite the fact he clearly didn't have any support or encouragement to do so (and might not have even realised that children also buy parents presents if he's never seen that modelled anywhere).

I read the AIBU as criticising the child for not knowing to do something he hadn't been taught that has now been interpreted as his not having 'a good heart', as opposed to being anything to do with whether 10 year olds generally should be buying presents for their parents or are capable of doing so.

notasillysausage · 28/12/2022 21:12

Oh my god. My son is 10 in February, it wouldn’t even enter my head to expect a present from him. YABVU. Do not say anything to him, this is your issue, don’t project onto him.

Tannedandfake · 28/12/2022 21:13

Lovemusic33 · 28/12/2022 20:01

Single parent here. My dc are 16 and 18 and still don’t get me a gift. I buy my own gifts. Occasionally my mum will buy them a gift to give to me but it’s usually something pretty awful or just chocolate. I don’t expect anything from them.

At 16&18 they are more than capable of getting you a present!

Citylab · 28/12/2022 21:14

saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:55

It boggles my mind that so many MN ers want to infantilise 10/11 year olds. They shouldn't be expected to be able to do simple thoughtful things, apparently. Yet when they get to be teenagers they're expected to be fully functional independent people who don't expect their mothers to do everything for them.

That's a hell of a lot of growing up that they're expected to do in five or six years with no real expectation and guidance.

This stuff starts early. And ten year olds are capable of understanding kindness, empathy and generosity. Providing that they see examples of us and are encouraged to act on it. Don't underestimate them.

Yes they do change loads between 10 to 16, including growing from a child into an adult!

No-one's undersestimating them, just saying they need some guidance/help spending money!

Delphinium20 · 28/12/2022 21:14

Quite a lot of posters make me wonder if they are raising little princes who will be rather unthoughtful toward future partners.

OP, I think you can teach your son gift giving. Tell him you'd love to get a present from him for Christmas and your bday...tell him you'll happily bring him to a store or similar. Let him know that this is a nice thing to do and give him a list of little things you might like. He's still a kid and needs to be told things, so go ahead and teach him to give you something nice. It doesn't need to be dramatic or guilt-ridden, but rather a lesson to be learned. Spell it out. "When you love people, you get them gifts - even little things or handmade - on special holidays."

DairyDiary · 28/12/2022 21:15

YoBeaches · 28/12/2022 20:06

He's 10.

You let him blow £500 on shite.

Your friends kids didn't go shopping by themselves.

What planet are you on?

This. All of this.

ThePoshUns · 28/12/2022 21:16

How would a 10 yr old go about buying a present by himself, even if he does have the money?

Greyarea12 · 28/12/2022 21:17

Some of the replies on here are terrible.

I am a single parent to a 10 year old dd and I would be disappointed if she had £500 and never had the thought to buy me something especially when at the age of 9 on mothers day just past, she asked me for money to buy sweets and walked to the local shop, on her own (a 2 min walk) and bought me chocolates completely unprompted. So yes 10 year olds can be thoughtful and considerate and I would be disappointed in your shoes too especially when he has had £500 and been in shops. Your not a terrible parent, your not abusing your son (how ridiculous). I would use this as a learning opportunity to teach him about being thoughful & considerate. Just to add, I was using pocket money or asking my dad for money to buy my mum gifts and birthday cards at the age of 10.

Purplechicken207 · 28/12/2022 21:18

500 cash for a 10 year old is crazy. It shoukd be going to you, to spend with him. He needs guidance on spending/saving, how to spend wisely, or of course its going to disappear on rubbish. And in 10 years time he'll still be doing the same. 🙄
My daughter is 3 and we offer a couple of options to buy the other parent, she helps wrap it and then gives it. Yes I appreciate you don't have someone to do this (though your family could?) but my point is she loves giving us presents (and telling us what they are as she hands them over 😂), but she's learning about doing from us. I wouldn't expect her to just know/remember if she'd never been involved/taught by someone

DairyDiary · 28/12/2022 21:20

Delphinium20 · 28/12/2022 21:14

Quite a lot of posters make me wonder if they are raising little princes who will be rather unthoughtful toward future partners.

OP, I think you can teach your son gift giving. Tell him you'd love to get a present from him for Christmas and your bday...tell him you'll happily bring him to a store or similar. Let him know that this is a nice thing to do and give him a list of little things you might like. He's still a kid and needs to be told things, so go ahead and teach him to give you something nice. It doesn't need to be dramatic or guilt-ridden, but rather a lesson to be learned. Spell it out. "When you love people, you get them gifts - even little things or handmade - on special holidays."

This should’ve happened before Christmas, not afterwards. You teach children how to behave by showing and explaining, not by expecting them to psychically know what to do and getting hurt when they don’t. If OP hasn’t taught him about gift-giving then she can’t blame him for that - she’s the one raising a “little Prince”. She’s also the one who allowed him to piss away £500 on crap. Keeping in mind that this is his only parent and, in OP’s family, only the children receive gifts, how would he know to get an adult a gift for Christmas when no one else does or ever has? An off-the-cuff comment from an uncle isn’t a life lesson or a set up.

I like your idea for next Christmas (a list and guidance and an expectation) but it’s not right to put it on him this year.

ButtonMoonLoon · 28/12/2022 21:21

Single parent to a 12 year old, here.

I say this kindly, but I think you need to adjust your expectations.
He’s 10, only a child.
Buying a present is definitely something that needs to be a supported activity for some children.
Since she was young, a single parent friend and I always meet up before Christmas and Mother’s Day. We usually go to a big garden centre in between where we both live. They have a great gift section, a food hall and lots of things to choose from. We have lunch then we basically child swap for half an hour to help them choose presents and then find a quiet corner to write a card and wrap them.
During covid this wasn’t possible so my sister helped organise my daughter via FaceTime.
You are right that it is an important thing for him to experience doing. But not having done it doesn’t mean he has a less than kind heart, or that he isn’t generous.
I wouldn’t do anything about it now. But I’d make a plan with a friend or family member in time for your birthday or Mother’s Day.
My daughter loves the act of giving presents now, and the look of excitement in her face when she gives me something is lovely.

LikeAStar1994 · 28/12/2022 21:22

"He's only 10. YABU"

Total bollocks. As soon as a child reaches double digits in age, they are old enough to into a shop and buy their Mum a little gift Hmm

OMG12 · 28/12/2022 21:22

Jesus Christ, he’s 10. My son is the same age and v kind and thoughtful but would have no means of buying a present without an adults help. How was he supposed to do this. Your mum friends kids will have adult help.

you really really need to remember your son is a child. He is not there to emotionally support you through present buying. I hope to God he hasn’t picked up on your disappointment. Shame your family didn’t help him get a present

Brokendaughter · 28/12/2022 21:22

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 20:33

It actually never occurred to me that he'd need to be taught something like this. What a lovely idea though! This is a great basis to have a chat with him.

If there is nobody to teach him, how would he ever know?
He doesn't have a sibling or parent to learn from that mummy is a person who gets given gifts.

He is used to you being an unending source of things (love, food, gifts, clean pants, attention etc..) who never really seems to have any sort of requirements, rather than as another human who should be intentionally on the receiving end of things.

Do you take him to buy a present for his grandparents or your siblings?
If you don't, it's probably never occurred to him anyone would think of giving you a gift as in his world 'kids get gifts'.

Just be ready to smile when you receive the picture of Optimus Prime dancing on the heap of his defeated enemies or whatever.
No matter how weird it is, I promise it will lift your heart he spent even one minute doing something to be nice to you.

I also try to give extra praise for things he's put more time & effort into, because I want him to get the good feeling I get from giving gifts that make people happy, as well as to feel it is a thing people who care about each other do.

I have a special box I keep my 'treasure' in, & my pictures spend a month or so on the fridge before being popped in the treasure box.
He feels like he gives me things that make me really happy.

Don't tell him you are disappointed because I honestly don't think he's done anything but be the boy he thinks you want him to be.

Do you have stories you could tell him about gifts you gave/made for your parents/grandparents on birthdays or for Christmas when you were a child (only if they had good outcomes!)?
How happy it made them & how good you felt knowing you'd made them feel like you cared about them enough to get them a present?
If he can't see it happening in front of him, you need to tell it to him in stories/appropriate settings.

You could perhaps edge into conversation that you are excited he is big enough now that he can get you a birthday present this coming year, so he doesn't know you wish he'd been doing it before.
Make it seem a natural thing now he's so big his age is in double figures or something.
Not bang on a lot, but when birthdays/other times you might get a gift like Mothers day come up sometimes act excited about your amazing surprise.

Then near your birthday/Easter/mothers day, you could take him to a shop, give him a tenner & say you'll meet him at whatever part of the shop when he's found you a gift so it can be a surprise.
You'll probably need to give him wrapping paper & sellotape.
Then, however bad it is (I gave my dad 2 chopping boards & a plastic saucepan strainer at around that age) when you unwrap it, you need to model delight at your amazing surprise even if it's Spiderman bubble bath & you only have a shower.

I wouldn't try to make him spend his own money on you to start with, as that seems more like taking it from him rather than him giving of his own free will.
That comes with time (I have a now grown up child who went through all these stages).

Don't encourage him to get you something expensive even if you can afford it - you aren't teaching him to replace love with expensive gifts, it's the thought behind gift giving that he needs to learn.

If Easter is the next one, give him the money to get you an egg (same deal as birthday) & tell him how much you'd love a card that he made you because you treasure his art.

You just keep reinforcing that pleasing people you care about by giving them a gift/card is one way (but not the only way) to show they are valued & he'll pick it up because he will like doing something that will make his mummy happy.

He knows he feels good when people remember his special days (like his birthday, Christmas etc..), he needs to learn that other people will feel good if he remembers their special days.

I personally don't encourage my son to send me a Valentine, I don't see it as a day that has anything to do with kids.

He won't grow up knowing which are the appropriate times to gift a girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband/partner either when he is an adult if he doesn't learn it as a child & get plenty of positive reinforcement when he does make/give gifts (although some blokes just never seem to get it) so it's a skill a future DIL/SIL will appreciate too.

Georgeskitchen · 28/12/2022 21:23

You allowed a 10 year old free reign of 500 quid? Are you mad?

saleorbouy · 28/12/2022 21:23

I'm amazed that a 10year old was allowed to blow £500 on crap. Surely he'd have been better off with some guidance to save some for something he might want to buy or do in the future.
I don't think it's unreasonable for a 10 year old to understand the concept of gift giving and buy or make a small present.
My DC 7 & 9 both had ideas for small thoughtful gifts for parents and Grandparents.

OMG12 · 28/12/2022 21:24

LikeAStar1994 · 28/12/2022 21:22

"He's only 10. YABU"

Total bollocks. As soon as a child reaches double digits in age, they are old enough to into a shop and buy their Mum a little gift Hmm

And how do they get to the shops? All of a sudden, it’s a 10 year old on a bus. My 10 year old is v self sufficient walks to and from school etc. would l let him loose in a shopping mall at Christmas- no!

Whynowwhynow · 28/12/2022 21:25

Someone, a family member or a friend needed to take him shopping and help him choose for you. At 10 he would need help in choosing and someone to accompany him.