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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed in my son

360 replies

abrandnewhumbug · 28/12/2022 19:56

I’m a single mum to one son. He’s 10.

I didn’t get a single Christmas gift. I don't have a partner and my family only do gifts for the kids, so there's no one to buy me one.

My family gifted my son cash (that was what he wanted) and my brother commented to not forget to buy his mum something with it (he ended up with nearly £500 as we’re a big family and people were really generous). He told my brother he would definitely buy me something.

He hasn’t. He’s spent the lot on rubbish. He’s just had a trip to Lapland too (my gift to him).

He’s a really good boy but I’m so disappointed in him. Lots of my friends are single parents with even younger kids and all those kids found a way buy their mums a little gift.

Now, I don’t need anything and money definitely isn’t an issue but I’m so disheartened that he’d be so ungenerous. It feels very greedy and entitled especially after such a lavish Christmas (his dad isn’t on the scene at all - I do all of it). Even a £1 box of chocolates would’ve proved he had a good heart. He’s had tons and tons of opportunity to buy something since he got the money (he got it before Christmas as we were in Lapland after that).

I’m not sure how to broach this with him, if at all. This feels like a good learning moment but it also feels really wrong to tell my child off for not buying me a gift.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/12/2022 20:55

It boggles my mind that so many MN ers want to infantilise 10/11 year olds. They shouldn't be expected to be able to do simple thoughtful things, apparently. Yet when they get to be teenagers they're expected to be fully functional independent people who don't expect their mothers to do everything for them.

That's a hell of a lot of growing up that they're expected to do in five or six years with no real expectation and guidance.

This stuff starts early. And ten year olds are capable of understanding kindness, empathy and generosity. Providing that they see examples of us and are encouraged to act on it. Don't underestimate them.

Anonymouseposter · 28/12/2022 20:55

It just seems to me as if no one is teaching him to think of others or not to waste his money on rubbish. Some children seem to be naturally thoughtful, others do need prompting and learn to think of others by having it modelled to them.

Wetblanket78 · 28/12/2022 20:56

He's 10 I wouldn't expect him to buy me something out of money given to him for Christmas. Does he get pocket money? I wouldn't trust a 10 year old to be sensible with what they spend £500 on.

FabFitFifties · 28/12/2022 20:56

You need to be disappointed in yourself, for allowing him to spend £500, on anything, never mind rubbish. You need to be disappointed in the generous family members who didn't think to take him shopping for your present. Your expectations of a 10 year old are very unrealistic, as are your brother's, how did he think he would get the present? Bizzare.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 28/12/2022 20:56

My son's also ten and loves buying gifts but definitely needed help to get going. He has a hyperjar account I added a christmas budget to and an amazon account he can use (actually my second account but he feels like it's his). He needed reminding who he needed to buy presents for and when he'd need to order it for it to come in time. I then gave him his particular stash of paper, tape, ribbons etc. If it was just left to him to buy gifts without any input I'm not sure it'd happen even though he absolutely loves gift giving.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 28/12/2022 20:57

I also wouldn't let my ten year old loose with that much money. I'd be putting some into a savings account and letting him have bits of it at a time.

donttellmehesalive · 28/12/2022 20:57

A lot of pp have very low expectations of their 10 year olds. I teach a similar age and can tell you that a great many are thoughtful, selfless and kind. They would absolutely be capable of knowing that buying mum a token gift at Xmas is the right thing to do, especially when reminded and given money to do so. Not all of them, but many. Aim to have one of those children, they're lovely.

surreygirl1987 · 28/12/2022 20:58

He was given £500 and allowed to spend it himself?!

BellePeppa · 28/12/2022 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That’s weird.

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 28/12/2022 20:58

He’s a child. I think you are placing too many expectations on him. I totally understand why and it must be lonely but don’t put expectations you would have of a partner on your ten year old. Maybe next year suggest a secret Santa with adult friends or family?

Xmasgrinchywinchy · 28/12/2022 20:59

You have 2 issues. Firstly you shouldn’t be allowing a 10 year old to spend £500, surely £450 if it should be going into savings leaving him with a bit to buy shit with.

secondly 10 year olds don’t go and buy presents. You needed to either let a family member know you wanted him to learn about presents and give them some money he could “spend” or you should have given him money / made sure he had money to get you something online and remind him how important it is to give as well as receive

I’m a single mum and my sister ALWAYS reminds my kids about presents and I do tend to give them some money, not my eldest who works PT, and remind them they need to buy each other and me presents

this year I got a mug with my dogs picture on it, a hand wash and a rather scary luminous pink lipstick. But I loved them all

beatsin8s · 28/12/2022 20:59

I also think if everyone in your family only buys for children then buying for adults isn't something he's going to think about.

Also for the people showing off about their 7 years buying gifts...mine made gifts and spent any pocket money to share at that age. My 9 year old saved £20 to get his baby sister a present, nothing for himself.

Then they get a bit older and it's forgotten! Different for OP when ALL the family only buy for children, there really is no excuse for mine other than they are probably spoilt! I'm hoping once they have jobs (not just pocket money) they'll regain some of that young thoughtfulness!

roseretrox · 28/12/2022 21:00

Honestly? Your kid sounds spoilt. Most 10 year olds don’t get £500 in cash for Christmas for them to do what they like with. How will your son understand the importance of money and gifts if he has such unrestricted access to funds at a young age?

Gifts aren’t going to have much meaning to him under these circumstances, he probably thinks “my mum has more than the £500 I have to buy my own gifts, so she can buy her own gift”

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 28/12/2022 21:01

I want to add that at ten I’d expect most children (even selfless thoughtful ones) to need an adult to help them buy a present by either taking them to town or helping them buy something online. The expectation is off because you put it on your ten year old rather than asking an adult family member to help him do it.

MegaClutterSlut · 28/12/2022 21:01

Sorry op yabu. At that age I used to take my dcs to the £ shop. Give them £2 each and get them to pick something for me whilst I waited outside. I got some interesting gifts 😁

TumbleFryer · 28/12/2022 21:01

How has a 10 year old managed to spend £500? Why have you allowed him to spend it all on junk? You are responsible for teaching him how to manage his finances. You are raising him to be irresponsible with money.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 28/12/2022 21:03

donttellmehesalive · 28/12/2022 20:57

A lot of pp have very low expectations of their 10 year olds. I teach a similar age and can tell you that a great many are thoughtful, selfless and kind. They would absolutely be capable of knowing that buying mum a token gift at Xmas is the right thing to do, especially when reminded and given money to do so. Not all of them, but many. Aim to have one of those children, they're lovely.

And most of those children are the way you are because those behaviours were generally modelled and taught.

RestingMurderousFace · 28/12/2022 21:03

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 20:01

I was buying gifts for my parents at Christmas unprompted, using my own pocket money, at the age of 10. Didn't think this was unusual but the consensus here seems to be it is. Confused

I was too. Surprised by the comments I've read so far.

Good name by the way. 😁

Jimboscott0115 · 28/12/2022 21:04

I've got a 14 year old who's never bought me a gift, and I'm fine with it. Give a kid money without an input into how they spend it and quite frankly you're asking for it to be wasted on crap. We have always taken the kids shopping with any money they get for Christmas, that way I can veer them away from frittering too much away while letting them have control of what they buy.

YABU OP and it was poorly thought through all around.

Shitfather · 28/12/2022 21:04

Ada single mum to an 11yo, I would never expect anything material from my child (and one so young). You mention your son is a good child - does he demonstrate his kindness towards you in other ways?
I’m more shocked that you allowed him to Ben through 500 quid. How did that happen? Sounds like you haven’t taught him to value money.

pinata · 28/12/2022 21:04

I would get an adult helped the other kids buy the gift - grandparent, aunt, uncle etc. plus I think most boys are fairly uninterested in Christmas gift shopping.

PikachusSmarterBrother · 28/12/2022 21:05

I think a 10yo would need a bit of support to buy gifts for parents - this doesn't show he's a bad kid at all.

mrsbitaly · 28/12/2022 21:05

I wouldn't expect my child to use their initiative to buy me something but it would have been nice for family to have taken him to choose something out of the money.

icanwearwhatiwant · 28/12/2022 21:05

For the first time this year my ten year old ds bought me a small box of quality street and a bunch of roses, both presented well before Christmas as they were a bit spur of the moment.
I do think ten is that little bit too young to plan what to buy, make the opportunity to buy it, keep it hidden, wrap it up and give it at the right time. They need a little bit of gentle adult guidance still I think.
I'd line up a friend or relative to help them out next time.

holierthanthou73 · 28/12/2022 21:06

Keyansier · 28/12/2022 20:01

Sounds like he's spoiled and this is the result of that.

This, smacks of spoiltness