Teenagers outfits!!!

[Gabzz212]

So am I being unreasonable to be sick to the back teeth of my 14 year old outfit choices now. Just spoke to her after she has been to town with her friend to buy 'an outfit'. Asked her please buy something appropriate for the weather she also knows I don't like stuff too revealing anyways she has been and bought some £30 nike pro shorts and a hoodie. I'm pissed. I was supposed to take her trusted her on her own and this is what she buys? All the time we are arguing over her outfits she wears sports bras as tops and always has tiny short, tiny crop tops on and big lashes. I'm sick of it I feel like she has no respect for herself and really don't understand why she always wants to have so much on show. I think she's too young and it also sends out the wrong message. My stepfather actually said to my mum after we had been for a visit last week that he didn't even feel like speaking to her as he didn't know wear to look and felt quite uncomfortable. I try and explain its not good to dress this way all the time but get nowhere. AIBU to feel quite upset and stressed over this situation?

That said my own Dd is far and away the worst of the lot clothes wise. Really pushes boundaries. But she’s kind fun popular with teachers and her peers and works hard at school and is always polite to us so 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I only post on things where I have experience, whether that be personal or professional.

Why would I want to wade in, giving advice on things that I have no experience of?

I've no experience of...say..... c sections. I wouldn't dream of giving advice on a c section thread, why would I?!

Oh, and you've plenty to say in your previous posts on here about how teen parents should be parents and not friends as well as other comments such as how avoiding rebellion isnt the best way.

But carry on, you obviously think your theory parenting is better and more effective than lived experience and understanding.

ooh someone else unable to understand context.

No one has asked for a difference between those scenarios, I was replying to a poster claiming it’s all just body parts what’s the big deal. Goodness me.

Enough of the faux confusion 🙄. Body parts (belly button a bit of cleavage) are obviously different to genitals - that shouldn't need to be explained to you. Nobody would be saying it's 'just body parts' either if girl in question actually had genitals on show but that's not what's being discussed here. Making wild comparisons doesn't strengthen your case

This!

And this!!

Interesting thread. I'll add a comment and a question.

After dd refused to wear leggings between the ages of 8-12, she has been very keen on Nike leggings so I got her 2 for Christmas in the BF sales. She's only starting to venture out from jeans and T-shirts so I was pleased to get them for her and she was SO excited to try them on before meeting friends. The first pair she tried on looked completely unacceptable. The leggings emphasised the crotch and bottom area in an almost grotesque way 😂. It literally is designed to draw your eye to the triangular outline of the wearer's crotch and also give a JLo bum shape, which my dd does not normally have.

The bottom aspect was fine by me but I didn't think she'd like to draw everyone's attention to her vagina/vulva area and pointed this out. She was extremely annoyed but could see it herself😆. She's is normally very stubborn but in this case, she didn't like the look of the crotch triangle either. She was hugely disappointed but decided not to wear them.

She tried the other pair of Nike legging on a few days later and, while tight as any leggings, they look perfectly fine with no weird triangle look at the front. This made her ridiculously happy.

To those who say they don't pull dd up on questionable clothes, do you pull your daughters up on rudeness or not doing their school work etc? Asking here as there seem to be experienced mums of teen girls. I do pull her up and get lots of friction, maybe I'm doing it all wrong.

Just to add, I agree, if you have not yet parented a teen girl, DO NOT assume 😂. It's hard and I am only at the beginning of this interesting journey. 😅

Would you find it hard to talk to your own daughter if she was wearing a swimsuit, or bikini?

How about if she happened to walk past you naked- would that be awful too?

To those who say they don't pull dd up on questionable clothes, do you pull your daughters up on rudeness or not doing their school work etc? Asking here as there seem to be experienced mums of teen girls. I do pull her up and get lots of friction, maybe I'm doing it all wrong.

Yes of course. Why wouldn't I? That's not acceptable behaviour.

If DD comes downstairs in questionable clothes for an outing with her mates, I might say: "Are you sure you want your tummy showing? It's freezing out there! Maybe take a warmer jumper as well just in case?" Her usual response: "no I'll be fine thanks... What time can you give me a lift?" I might then add: "ok, don't complain to me when you freeze!! We can set off in 5 mins".
Her: "great thanks mam".

If DD hadn't done her schoolwork the conversation would be very different: comes downstairs to go out, I'd say: "DD why haven't you done your maths homework yet that's due tomorrow? I've just had an email about it" (I get notified if she hasn't yet started a piece of work due tomorrow). DD: "ohh I was gonna do it later when I got back in". I'd reply: "no, you can do it before you go anywhere, and don't expect a lift from me until it's done, please". No arguments, no negotiations.

In other words, I take a hard line with poor attitude to schoolwork or rude behaviour etc. but when it comes to her fashion sense, I allow her space to express herself as a developing young person.

IMO, parenting (especially of teens) is all about your fixed, inflexible boundaries where there is no negotiation at all - ie in my case: values about what it means to be a decent human (don't be rude to people unnecessarily), and values about gaining a good education (do your schoolwork); and the flexible ones where I give advice and my own view, but allow her flexibility to make her own choices within that, knowing that it's just a phase and a normal part of her finding her own identity. And also knowing that by pushing back with a hardline against her choice of clothing, I risk alienating her, etc.

That's my general rule of thumb for which battles to pick with my teen.

Just leave her to it, if she’s cold she’s cold.

we need to stop policing women and girls bodies and clothing choices, and as for your step dad…
well, it’s all been said. Is he the same when you’re at the beach or pool and she’s wearing a swimsuit? He’s the one sexualising a child.
The harder you fight her in this, the more she’ll dig in.

‘To those who say they don't pull dd up on questionable clothes, do you pull your daughters up on rudeness or not doing their school work etc?’

Completely different. Going to school, wearing the uniform, doing the homework, respecting teachers and other adults = none negotiable.
Using appropriate language to adults, being respectful, answering when spoken to =
non negotiable.

Having a difference of opinion, wearing clothes I wouldn’t wear, watching ( age appropriate) films/ tv I dislike = up to her

As they get older, I find observation and negotiation rather than dictation a lot more effective as parenting tools.

Once my eldest daughter wanted to go out in a very short skirt and fishnets. I just about swallowed my tongue, and was about to go down the 'you're not going out wearing that!' route, when DH suggested we say nothing, and ask how things went when she came home. She had. She had noticed she was treated really rather differently by passers by, and didn't enjoy the experience. Didn't have that problem again with her!

I'm sure a lot of people make a lot of judgments about my youngest, and her parents 'letting her out looking like that'. She's heavily into Lolita fashion, crossed with goth and emo. But she's happy, healthy, confident in her skin and in her dress, and that, as far as I'm concerned, is what matters.

To the posters wringing their hands about young people wearing clothes which they feel are 'too revealing' or feel that such outfits make other people uncomfortable in a "don't know where to look" kind of way.

I sincerely hope that you are busily campaigning for women and girls never to wear swimwear, for gymnasts and ice skaters to cover up etc..

On a serious note I shudder that there are people walking about who think it is acceptable for themselves or other people to "not know where to look" when someone else wears clothing like that discussed on this thread.

It is the people who "don't know where to look" who are in the wrong. Shame on anyone who doesn't call this out as wrong- do you also think women who are abused have "asked for it" if dressed in a certain way?

Yeah basically fits with my view!

I have my absolute non negotiables (and she knows what they are and I do not budge on them), and my "meh, Its not my personal choice but Im not dying on that hill" categories; where I'll give advice but leave her to make a choice.

That's what teens need imo. Too many non negotiables and they are stifled and will kick back against them all.

Totally agree with the observation and advice rather than "you're not wearing that!"

Hence why my approach to crop tops in winter is "DD, are you sure you want to go out in that? You'll bloody freeze! I assume you're taking a coat?" DD confirms no, no coat. My response "Right well... my advice would be to take a coat but if you don't want to, don't complain to me when you're freezing...." DD laughs. I'll be fine mam honestly. Etc.

I have never ever uttered the words "you are NOT going out in that!" to my teen. It just wouldn't occur to me.

Thank you! That tends to be my approach too but I get lots of push back when she isn't feeling in the mood for homework etc.

Same approach here. Dd2 works hard at school does a sport and has sweet appreciative friends. She is never rude to us ever. I can’t imagine posters really advocating squawking and shrieking at her because she favours hideous gangsta hoodies and crop tops at 14? That’s Really shit parenting imo.

I think you bought your dd the wrong size. Mine has multiple Nike leggings and none do this

Hmme, I think body autonomy is a huge deal. I also think respect for others and making use of the opportunities in front of you is important. So yes I would intervene over rudeness, school work etc. But no, I don't give a shit what either of my dc wear....Hair colour, piercings, tight or cropped....If they are not in school (which is different- follow the uniform) the it up to them. I also should add I have never ever been uncomfortable about what someone else is wearing.... I mean why would seeing tits and arses make me 'uncomfortable' too weird have you lot enver been to a swiiming pool or beach holiday

Mine is a fervent feminist so any comment is met with vigorous debate about women’s right to autonomy and victim blaming…

Hmmm. As much as I would defend the rights if all women and girls to wear whatever the hell they want.... It's quite a misogynistic culture that makes girls in a cold country in winter think that a bra top us reasonable attire though isn't it?

They boys seem quite happy in nice warm hoodies. Go figure.

I hear you Op.

Oh yes, I get this too! But I have the keys to my vehicle to give her a lift, and I have the cash she wants to go out, so I don't get into a back and forth with her. I just say "I'm not saying it again - you get your work done before you go anywhere. If you don't do it, I'm not giving you cash or a lift. You decide." Then I disengage. If I get all the "but maaaam that's not fair" etc. i just repeat "I'm not arguing with you - I've told you what you need to do." Then I completely ignore rather than argue back and forth.

9 times out of 10 she gets that work done in record time!

I used to wear some very questionable outfits as a teen, my parents were probably inwardly cringing for some of the things I used to dress in but they never made me feel bad about my choices or tried to deter me from wearing anything I wanted to. I grew out of it. The more you try to dictate to her what she should wear the more push back you will get op, let her express herself chances are in a few years she will look back like I did and think wtf was I wearing. It's a phase she has to go through, just teach her how to deal with unwanted attention as it's a sad fact of life that she will get it regardless of what she wears as some men are disgusting individuals who feel the need to pass comment on women's bodies or worse touch them without consent. I may be projecting here a bit with the amount of sexual harassment I went through as a young woman due to having large breasts. I think your stepdad is bang out of order BTW how about he looks at her eyes!

I feel like you've massively missed the point though?

First of all, unacceptable behaviour isnt comparable to clothing choices. Why do you think allowing my daughter to wear nike shorts means I allow her to be rude? How did you reach that conclusion?

If either of my children buy or come down with unsuitable clothing they get asked about and a compromise reached, e.g. she might go out in shorts but she's replaced the crop top with a longer but still cropped t shirt or put a hoody on instead of a coat.

My issue with people on here is that heu are insistent teens shouldn't be wearing shorts or crop tops or whatever fashion is in if it makes males not know where to look or feel uncomfortable and rather than raising this further with the Male in question, they are reprimanding their teens for not dressing suitable in order to stop adults feeling uncomfortable. They are seeing teens in shorts as sexual beings which makes them uncomfortable and want them to cover up. How is this the teens fault?

There's even someone on here that thinks social services should be called when a teen in shorts goes outside if it's not the summer.

There's even someone on here that thinks social services should be called when a teen in shorts goes outside if it's not the summer.

I still refuse to believe that was real. No one thinks like that surely 😬