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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want them staying here?

146 replies

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:30

Stbexh and I are living separately.

I bought our house with inheritance and it's in my name so I'm staying in it with our child and he has moved out to a friend's house until he can rent somewhere else in the New Year.

He called me yesterday to say that he's struggling with what to do about his two older DC. They had a room here and it still has things in it that he hasn't been able to take yet like beds and TV.

Their mum is complaining that she is basically having to now have them every night (used to be here 2 night one week and 3 the next) and it's messing up her work. I believe H is still having them during the day but just can't have them over night at his friends so has to take them back.

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.

AIBU to say no?

He's a typical one you read about on here who left absolutely everything to me for our child and also DSC. One of the things I said when we separated was that I wouldn't be opening those flood gates in terms of care for DSC post separation because he'd take advantage.

I don't want him staying here either for those nights and tbf neither does he.

Imo this is his issue. He should have been a better partner.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 28/12/2022 08:32

No.

He’s a grown man and can sort himself out.

He can stay with his (other) ex, surely? Then they’d be in their own beds.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:33

He can stay with his (other) ex, surely? Then they’d be in their own beds

Ha god no she'd never agree to that (I don't blame her!).

OP posts:
DriftwoodOnTheShore · 28/12/2022 08:34

Just keep saying no until it sinks in.

Sirzy · 28/12/2022 08:36

The only way I would contemplate it is if it would be in your shared child’s best interest to spend time with them

strawberry2017 · 28/12/2022 08:36

No sorry that doesn't work for me.
You are not responsible for them. He is and their mother is.
Stay strong! X

Overthebow · 28/12/2022 08:36

No it’s his problem not yours.

Menomenon · 28/12/2022 08:37

Obviously, no.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:37

Sirzy · 28/12/2022 08:36

The only way I would contemplate it is if it would be in your shared child’s best interest to spend time with them

He takes them all out for tea once a week at the moment so they are still seeing each other and will do so more once he sorts a more permanent living situation.

OP posts:
astralpiano · 28/12/2022 08:38

Nope.

MangoBiscuit · 28/12/2022 08:38

Surely the point of them being overnight with their dad is to BE WITH THEIR DAD. Not for him to palm off childcare on to his ex who's already ditched him because he kept palming stuff off on to her.

I think he's a cheeky fucking git for even asking tbh. He needs to sort out his own place asap, apologise to his other ex, and perhaps make arrangements with her to catch up on the over nights he's missed.

Swissnotswiss · 28/12/2022 08:38

I feel sorry for the kids but agree it's up to him to sort out. How long were you with him? Tbh I would probably agree to take the kids until he's sorted. They're not to blame. 😔

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:40

MangoBiscuit · 28/12/2022 08:38

Surely the point of them being overnight with their dad is to BE WITH THEIR DAD. Not for him to palm off childcare on to his ex who's already ditched him because he kept palming stuff off on to her.

I think he's a cheeky fucking git for even asking tbh. He needs to sort out his own place asap, apologise to his other ex, and perhaps make arrangements with her to catch up on the over nights he's missed.

His ex works nights which is the issue so I think he's under quite a bit of pressure to sort something out so she can't stop messing about trying to sort stuff so she can go to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:40

Swissnotswiss · 28/12/2022 08:38

I feel sorry for the kids but agree it's up to him to sort out. How long were you with him? Tbh I would probably agree to take the kids until he's sorted. They're not to blame. 😔

8 years

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 28/12/2022 08:41

The danger is, if you agree to this will he then think there's no rush for him to sort something more permanent?
I agree it's not the kids fault but at the same time it's not yours neither, will he be at yours more often? He could see it as his way back in perhaps?

MeJane · 28/12/2022 08:41

Tbh I would probably agree to take the kids until he's sorted. They're not to blame. 😔
It would make more sense for him to see the dc at their actual mothers house. They are nothing to do with the OP.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:42

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house

Why should he be at your house then? And if it is so rediculous that he might look after them in their mother's house why does it make more sense that he comes to yours? Get some boundaries in. I hope your house and the unequal equity is well protected in terms of a divorce. With three dependent children his housing needs seem on paper greater than yours.

Winterpetal · 28/12/2022 08:42

Do not get involved
or they will both rely on you
not your circus not your monkeys

Winterpetal · 28/12/2022 08:43

I hope he can’t take a share of your house ,fingers crossed

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:43

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:42

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house

Why should he be at your house then? And if it is so rediculous that he might look after them in their mother's house why does it make more sense that he comes to yours? Get some boundaries in. I hope your house and the unequal equity is well protected in terms of a divorce. With three dependent children his housing needs seem on paper greater than yours.

Sorry I meant his suggestion was they could stay overnight here in their old room on the nights he should be having them. Not that he'd be there in the house. He wouldn't be.

OP posts:
Woeman · 28/12/2022 08:45

He could stay at exs house on the nights she works. Sorted.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:46

If she is on nights then he offers to stay with the dc at her house until he has fixed his own place. Why would you get involved in their babysitting issues?

byvirtue · 28/12/2022 08:46

If his ex works nights he should be with them at her house and leave in the morning when she gets back. It’s not ideal for anyone involved but it’s their responsibility to sort out.

mewkins · 28/12/2022 08:46

Surely this should be the thing to give him a rocket up the arse and sort a more permanent home out for himself. Otherwise he will just linger at his friend's indefinitely.

GodisaBC · 28/12/2022 08:47

Their mother works nights, therefore her house will be empty so the logical solution is he stays there. If there’s no way she’d allow that then that’s her issue, not yours. They are both the parents not you so they need to sort it between them.
Absolutely not your problem.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 28/12/2022 08:47

Absolutely no way, do not agree to this. Once you start it will never end. There are perfectly viable solutions that he and his ex can arrange between them, such as him looking after the children in her house while she works.

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