Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want them staying here?

146 replies

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:30

Stbexh and I are living separately.

I bought our house with inheritance and it's in my name so I'm staying in it with our child and he has moved out to a friend's house until he can rent somewhere else in the New Year.

He called me yesterday to say that he's struggling with what to do about his two older DC. They had a room here and it still has things in it that he hasn't been able to take yet like beds and TV.

Their mum is complaining that she is basically having to now have them every night (used to be here 2 night one week and 3 the next) and it's messing up her work. I believe H is still having them during the day but just can't have them over night at his friends so has to take them back.

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.

AIBU to say no?

He's a typical one you read about on here who left absolutely everything to me for our child and also DSC. One of the things I said when we separated was that I wouldn't be opening those flood gates in terms of care for DSC post separation because he'd take advantage.

I don't want him staying here either for those nights and tbf neither does he.

Imo this is his issue. He should have been a better partner.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 28/12/2022 10:03

If his ex works night shifts on his allocated days then he has them during the day while she sleeps and in the evening after dinner, he takes them back to their own house where they sleep in their own beds and he camps on the floor or the sofa.

billy1966 · 28/12/2022 10:06

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:52

Thanks for the replies!

Unfortunately staying at hers doesn't seem to be an issue. She does have another child herself with her partner who lives with her so I'm assuming he (her partner) is not agreeing to look after DSC overnight whilst ex can't. He's never seemed to be massively involved or helpful when it came to DSC but that's not my business if that's how they work things. Her partner also has other children too so maybe it's just too much for him.

Their mother and her partner need to house those children if their father can't.

This has NOTHING to do with you.

If their father hadn't been such a lazy waster, you might be together.

You had poor boundaries and were used by them all as a result.

Stand up for yourself and say no.

Get legal advice so that waster does not get near your inheritance.

Those children have two parents to work this out, but they want to continue using you like the mug you were.

Well done for finally having enough.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2022 10:11

And the longer you allow it to go on, the longer he will take full advantage.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2022 10:12

Sorry, not he. THEY.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2022 10:13

I’m presuming you have said a big NO to this really stupid suggestion? Does he know you won’t be doing it? What has he said afterwards?

This isn’t your problem-I wouldn’t even do it once as he sounds like the sort of man who will take advantage and expect you to just crack on and make no effort to move out from his mate’s house as there’s no urgency.

Make it his problem-HE needs to organise a solution that doesn’t involve you just doing it for him long term until he decides to get better housing sorted. This could go on for years!!

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2022 10:15

So he still gets to dump all the childcare on you as usual? I don’t think so! I would be seeking advice about protecting your investment if you’re married.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:17

Their bed and stuff is in a house they have no access to

I do understand this but it's all stuff he can take as soon as he has the space for it. I'm not refusing to give them back their stuff, he just doesn't have anywhere for it to go right now. I thought I was being quite reasonable allowing it to still take up a room of my home even after he's left! There's things I'd like to do to that room which I can't right now because it's full still.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2022 10:22

Tell him he needs to find yet another woman he can cosy up to in order to get free childcare because he's not using you.

Honestly, is there any situation in which people won't tell a woman she has to step up and compensate for some bloke's inadequacy?

Oooh but the children oh the children...

Yes.

His children.

Waa-waa at him not the nearest woman to him. 🙄

Tell him to stop asking, op.

LouLou900 · 28/12/2022 10:24

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:17

Their bed and stuff is in a house they have no access to

I do understand this but it's all stuff he can take as soon as he has the space for it. I'm not refusing to give them back their stuff, he just doesn't have anywhere for it to go right now. I thought I was being quite reasonable allowing it to still take up a room of my home even after he's left! There's things I'd like to do to that room which I can't right now because it's full still.

It sounds like DSC's mother has horrendous taste in men. First their father (who she obviously can't stand because he was a prick) and now the DSC's step-father who won't look after them when she needs to work. She needs to seriously re-think her taste in men! Feel sorry for the children 😢.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:29

The more I think about it I don't really blame her partner. I wouldn't want to do it for an unstated amount of time with multiple other kids either!

OP posts:
Crunchyb · 28/12/2022 10:30

If he’s a STBEXH rather than an ex-husband or ex-partner, have you taken financial advice? Are you sure that property doesn’t form part of the marital estate?

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:38

Crunchyb · 28/12/2022 10:30

If he’s a STBEXH rather than an ex-husband or ex-partner, have you taken financial advice? Are you sure that property doesn’t form part of the marital estate?

It may do but he's not suggesting he come here too. He's suggesting he drop the kids off in the evening so they can sleep here and he goes back to his friends leaving them with me all night.

OP posts:
harrassedmumto3 · 28/12/2022 10:39

Not your fault, but poor kids Sad

billy1966 · 28/12/2022 10:39

I recall your other posts where you were used by your husband but his Ex's partner never involved himself at all in childcare.

What finally broke the camels back and made you get rid of him?

Well done for doing it.

Is he the guy who kicked off if you wanted to so much asleave the house, you had to bring his children with you?

Anyway well done.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:40

I've only had a brief consultation so far in regards to legal advice etc.. we aren't long separated.

There's a few factors which I didn't think were relevant to the situation at hand. Like the house we lived in before this one, we still own it but it's currently rented. The plan eventually is for us to sell that and I'd be happy to offset if necessary against what I take from that in order to keep this house bought with my inheritance.

OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 28/12/2022 10:45

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:46

If she is on nights then he offers to stay with the dc at her house until he has fixed his own place. Why would you get involved in their babysitting issues?

Definitely this! 👍

Crunchyb · 28/12/2022 10:52

*Fair enough. I just wanted to be sure you have an understanding that he will likely come after a share of the property in any divorce proceedings, if only to enable him to house his children. If you co-own a separate property then at least your home is secure and you can proceed as you feel is best in this situation.

Lenald · 28/12/2022 10:58

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 10:29

The more I think about it I don't really blame her partner. I wouldn't want to do it for an unstated amount of time with multiple other kids either!

Don’t blame her at all. Her life is set up around their custody arrangement and the break down of her ex’s relationship isn’t her problem. He’s gonna have to step up and come up with a solution not expect the women to sort it for him.

EL8888 · 28/12/2022 11:09

Not your problem. They are his children after all. I wouldn’t get involved in this at all

billy1966 · 28/12/2022 11:19

Crunchyb · 28/12/2022 10:52

*Fair enough. I just wanted to be sure you have an understanding that he will likely come after a share of the property in any divorce proceedings, if only to enable him to house his children. If you co-own a separate property then at least your home is secure and you can proceed as you feel is best in this situation.

Best not to set ANY precedence of the children staying with you because of a housing issue.

I would imagine a waster like him would try and use that against you.

Legally these children have two employed parents.

Stay well and truly out of THEIR housing challenges.

It is only a continuation of you being taken for a mug.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2022 11:22

Is there any talk of him perhaps moving in to the house you rent out, ie ending the tenancy?

I know that’s (rightly) not instant, but could be a way of getting him housed? Although, I suppose him might use that to say “well one house is yours and one mine” and cost you money long term?

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 11:29

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2022 11:22

Is there any talk of him perhaps moving in to the house you rent out, ie ending the tenancy?

I know that’s (rightly) not instant, but could be a way of getting him housed? Although, I suppose him might use that to say “well one house is yours and one mine” and cost you money long term?

No because it's in a different town about 40 mins away and he wants to stay in this town where his DC live. So the idea is to sell it in the New Year once we've both sorted legal advice / solicitors etc .

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2022 11:36

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.AIBU to say no?

What did you say to him, @Guppypuppy1 ?

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 11:53

Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2022 11:36

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.AIBU to say no?

What did you say to him, @Guppypuppy1 ?

I said that doesn't work for me and then I got the usual how I must not care for them at all then if I wouldn't want the opportunity to spend some time with them again and how I must have been faking all the times I acted like I cared about them blah blah blah. It's the same old rubbish.

OP posts:
Reasonablereasonableness · 28/12/2022 12:01

Why doesn't ex hire a Premier Inn room for the nights he has his kids?