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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want them staying here?

146 replies

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:30

Stbexh and I are living separately.

I bought our house with inheritance and it's in my name so I'm staying in it with our child and he has moved out to a friend's house until he can rent somewhere else in the New Year.

He called me yesterday to say that he's struggling with what to do about his two older DC. They had a room here and it still has things in it that he hasn't been able to take yet like beds and TV.

Their mum is complaining that she is basically having to now have them every night (used to be here 2 night one week and 3 the next) and it's messing up her work. I believe H is still having them during the day but just can't have them over night at his friends so has to take them back.

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.

AIBU to say no?

He's a typical one you read about on here who left absolutely everything to me for our child and also DSC. One of the things I said when we separated was that I wouldn't be opening those flood gates in terms of care for DSC post separation because he'd take advantage.

I don't want him staying here either for those nights and tbf neither does he.

Imo this is his issue. He should have been a better partner.

OP posts:
PicaK · 28/12/2022 09:26

The house will be in the marital pot and you're not divorced so he can move back in anytime. You don't have the right to say he can't enter and use the house .

amiold · 28/12/2022 09:29

No. Why would you?

Just say you're busy or it would be confusing for All the kids.

FelineTomato · 28/12/2022 09:29

When/how does he see your child, OP?

HomeAGnome · 28/12/2022 09:29

He's making his problem your problem , and that's the way it will stay if you don't say no

DigitalTranny · 28/12/2022 09:30

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:52

Thanks for the replies!

Unfortunately staying at hers doesn't seem to be an issue. She does have another child herself with her partner who lives with her so I'm assuming he (her partner) is not agreeing to look after DSC overnight whilst ex can't. He's never seemed to be massively involved or helpful when it came to DSC but that's not my business if that's how they work things. Her partner also has other children too so maybe it's just too much for him.

Sounds like a motley crew of assorted children from all over the place 😐

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2022 09:31

You're not partners anymore, so his children (as harsh as it sounds) are nothing to do with you anymore unless you want to actively encourage it.
The children have 2 parents plus a current step-parent living in their house, so it's between them to sort the logistics.
If you agree to it now, it'll never end. Stand firm.

Lenald · 28/12/2022 09:31

When my ex had no where to live he had the kids in a hotel (which they loved). The financial burden is on him.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2022 09:31

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 08:42

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house

Why should he be at your house then? And if it is so rediculous that he might look after them in their mother's house why does it make more sense that he comes to yours? Get some boundaries in. I hope your house and the unequal equity is well protected in terms of a divorce. With three dependent children his housing needs seem on paper greater than yours.

They were married for 8 years so it's his house too. Doesn't matter whose name it's in.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 28/12/2022 09:31

This is a problem for your ex and his ex to sort. If she does nights, he can sleepover at hers when she is out. Don't even entertain the idea

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 09:33

PicaK · 28/12/2022 09:26

The house will be in the marital pot and you're not divorced so he can move back in anytime. You don't have the right to say he can't enter and use the house .

I didn’t think he wanted to enter the house. I thought he wanted op to look after his kids at the house, but not be them himself

Lkydfju · 28/12/2022 09:34

It’s not your issue; I’m married to a man like this and they will just do what suits them so he will be less motivated to find somewhere to rent in the new year.
he could go to his exs when she works nights if they really wanted to figure it out

Fireflygal · 28/12/2022 09:34

They were married for 8 years so it's his house too. Doesn't matter whose name it's in

Agreed, he may have a claim to rehouse their shared child and a court would acknowledge his children.

Op, have you sought legal advice? 8 years together, shared child and married would suggest he has some claim on your house.

Theluggage15 · 28/12/2022 09:35

Presumably he can just move back in with his children if he wants. It’s his house too and that will solve the problem.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2022 09:35

All these kids mixed up with all these rubbish parents. What a mess.

RealBecca · 28/12/2022 09:38

It's simply "No". Dont help him look for a solution either or you'll get drawn in.

ThisTimeNext · 28/12/2022 09:41

Those poor kids! Parents split so they spend half their time with mum and half with dad. For eight years - around half their lives.
They go through another break-up - and they lose their "dad"-home.
Mother works and step-dad says nothing to do with him.
Father lives with a friend now - cannot house them
The woman they've shared a part-time home with for several years doesn't want any contact with them.
Their bed and stuff is in a house they have no access to.

Their parents have failed them badly. So sad.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 09:43

He hasn't suggested he be here. He doesn't want to be. I don't want him here either. Legally perhaps he could be but I doubt he's even yet sought legal advice so probably isn't aware he could move back in. I'm not going to be in a rush to remind him of that. However, I don't think he'd want to anyway.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 28/12/2022 09:53

Theluggage15 · 28/12/2022 09:35

Presumably he can just move back in with his children if he wants. It’s his house too and that will solve the problem.

It depends where the OP lives if in Scotland and the house was bought before marriage then no he wouldn't.

billy1966 · 28/12/2022 09:55

Absolutely not.

Do not entertain this.

You were used enough.

If you start this, he will continue to use you.

His Ex and him can sort this out.

For goodness do not be dragged back into au pair skivvy role by this user.

Tell him NO, nothing to do with you.

Whammyyammy · 28/12/2022 09:57

Good lord, say NO now and put an immediate stop to it.
Their own mum needs a break from her own kids, and it becomes your problem?

He needs to be a man and sort his own accommodation and children out and not seek part time cock lodgings

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 28/12/2022 10:00

This isn't right for anyone long term. He needs to get it into his head that he can't rely on his ex's to sort his life out. He needs to rent somewhere that his kids can stay in. He's not going to feel any urgency to do that while he has a home (with built in childcare) on tap.

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 10:00

None of this is your problem.

It’s his problem to discuss with his children’s mother.

The DC are presumably 11+ if not older, if you guys were together 8 years, and if there’s already an adult in the house overnight for them (mother’s DP, regardless of whether he ‘likes’ to be in charge or not) then there really is no urgent problem at all.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2022 10:00

No no no and no. You’re not together anymore and you shouldn’t have to assist him and his ex with their children any longer. You have your own life to be getting on with and building without being sucked back in to this weird stepmum situation where you aren’t one anymore but still expected to act like one.

Charley50 · 28/12/2022 10:01

This is very sad for those children. I'd be inclined to say yes with a time limit of 4 weeks or something.

Also he will probably (not sure where you are) be entitled to some of the house even if you paid for it, so maybe it is best to keep him sweet and be cooperative.

ThatPirateLady · 28/12/2022 10:02

If only there was a way of this man housing himself (and his children). A method of paying someone to live in, or just temporarily use, a home or even just a room.