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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want them staying here?

146 replies

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:30

Stbexh and I are living separately.

I bought our house with inheritance and it's in my name so I'm staying in it with our child and he has moved out to a friend's house until he can rent somewhere else in the New Year.

He called me yesterday to say that he's struggling with what to do about his two older DC. They had a room here and it still has things in it that he hasn't been able to take yet like beds and TV.

Their mum is complaining that she is basically having to now have them every night (used to be here 2 night one week and 3 the next) and it's messing up her work. I believe H is still having them during the day but just can't have them over night at his friends so has to take them back.

He's helpfully suggested to me that I have them overnight when he should be at the house and they can stay in their room like normal until God knows when.

AIBU to say no?

He's a typical one you read about on here who left absolutely everything to me for our child and also DSC. One of the things I said when we separated was that I wouldn't be opening those flood gates in terms of care for DSC post separation because he'd take advantage.

I don't want him staying here either for those nights and tbf neither does he.

Imo this is his issue. He should have been a better partner.

OP posts:
Ivyonafence · 28/12/2022 08:49

Well he's learned nothing and you're well shot of him.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 28/12/2022 08:49

Don’t do op they are not your responsibility. As others have suggested their mum works nights so your ex can have them at their mums house. Don’t be a doormat he needs to sort the issue not you. Your priority is your DC and your well-being only.

weltenbummler · 28/12/2022 08:49

This could be the thin edge of a very large and long free childcare wedge for children who are not yours. Don't agree to it. It will remove any pressure from him to get himself sorted. The obvious short term solution is that he looks after the kids at their mother's house while she is on night shift. She will need to decide what is more important to her - having childcare so she can work or not having ex come to her house...

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 28/12/2022 08:49

Don’t do it*

dudsville · 28/12/2022 08:50

Those poor kids have idiots for responsible adults.

liarliarshortsonfire · 28/12/2022 08:50

Hell no!

They aren't your children, why would you let them stay. You have as much responsibility towards them, as you do the next door neighbours kids (sounds harsh, but it's true)

Plus, the reason he has contact with his children, is to see his children, not palm them off on another person.

Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:52

Thanks for the replies!

Unfortunately staying at hers doesn't seem to be an issue. She does have another child herself with her partner who lives with her so I'm assuming he (her partner) is not agreeing to look after DSC overnight whilst ex can't. He's never seemed to be massively involved or helpful when it came to DSC but that's not my business if that's how they work things. Her partner also has other children too so maybe it's just too much for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:52

Doesn't seem to be an option sorry not issue!

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/12/2022 08:53

Presumably if you liked/ loved them, you would want them in your house.
Poor kids, though. Yet more disruption in their lives.

TheHauntedPencilCase · 28/12/2022 08:53

MummyInTheNecropolis · 28/12/2022 08:47

Absolutely no way, do not agree to this. Once you start it will never end. There are perfectly viable solutions that he and his ex can arrange between them, such as him looking after the children in her house while she works.

This. It isn't your issue to resolve.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 28/12/2022 08:54

That’s not your problem OP, please don’t allow it their mum and dad will have to sort it. You’re the ex with your own children to think about.

Shelby2010 · 28/12/2022 08:54

His ex wife may not want him in her house whilst she works (who would?!), but she is the one who needs childcare. It’s up to the children’s parents to find a solution - and you’re not it! Maybe he could stay in a hotel or air bnb for those nights.

Also agree with PP, if you allow this then he will never find a new place to live.

Pleiades2020 · 28/12/2022 08:58

He's got into your head and in your responses to PPs comments you're making excuses as to why they should stay. You've said no and he keeps asking - classic narcissistic behaviour and pushing your boundaries. You just need to keep on saying no - they are not your responsibility.

Topee · 28/12/2022 08:58

Does he have a claim on the house or is it ring fenced?

Whilst I don’t think this is your problem to fix, what’s to prevent him deciding that he’ll just move back in?

Bingbangbongbash · 28/12/2022 08:59

It sounds like a horrible situation all round but if we’re talking a matter of a few weeks, I’d have the kids. After 8 years, presumably they’ve been a massive part of your life until recently, and I don’t get how step kids can just be forgotten about.

Of course they aren’t your responsibility, and this isn’t a problem you should have to sort, but perhaps if you can find it in your heart to help, the relations between all parties will be a little easier from now on. You have a shared child, too, so these people are always going to be in your lives.

The kids are the ones who will be having the hardest time in all this - yet another broken relationship, another upheaval. If you can bear to have them until their dad gets a place, at least you can minimise the disruption to them and make them feel supported and wanted - instead of a burden or complication.

Again, I know this isn’t your problem to solve, but if you can help the kids, why wouldn’t you?

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 28/12/2022 09:00

God no. What an absolute piss taker.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/12/2022 09:01

So the children’s current step dad won’t have them. So the solution is that the ex step mum has them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2022 09:08

Bingbangbongbash · 28/12/2022 08:59

It sounds like a horrible situation all round but if we’re talking a matter of a few weeks, I’d have the kids. After 8 years, presumably they’ve been a massive part of your life until recently, and I don’t get how step kids can just be forgotten about.

Of course they aren’t your responsibility, and this isn’t a problem you should have to sort, but perhaps if you can find it in your heart to help, the relations between all parties will be a little easier from now on. You have a shared child, too, so these people are always going to be in your lives.

The kids are the ones who will be having the hardest time in all this - yet another broken relationship, another upheaval. If you can bear to have them until their dad gets a place, at least you can minimise the disruption to them and make them feel supported and wanted - instead of a burden or complication.

Again, I know this isn’t your problem to solve, but if you can help the kids, why wouldn’t you?

What about the mother’s DP, who’s still their step dad, who also shares a child with the mother? He’s living in their shared home and is saying his step kids can’t stay overnight when their mum is working. Yet you think OP should help when she doesn’t live with their dad anymore and they’ll be in a house with neither parent?

pilates · 28/12/2022 09:10

I think if you agree there will be further demands. A clean break may be fairer on all.

kingtamponthefurred · 28/12/2022 09:10

It is sad that your stepchildren have had so much disruption in their lives, but their parents need to co-operate and make suitable arrangements for their children which do not involve you. Unlimited free childcare does not come as a bonus gift with every relationship.

Brokendaughter · 28/12/2022 09:15

No, it's not your problem to solve & it's nothing to do with you.

He is your ex, you no longer need to provide childcare because he is not your partner & honestly I don't think it would be fair to the kids as it would be confusing for you to stay in their lives to that extent.

He needs to solve his own childcare issues & let you move on with your life.

DDivaStar · 28/12/2022 09:21

Guppypuppy1 · 28/12/2022 08:33

He can stay with his (other) ex, surely? Then they’d be in their own beds

Ha god no she'd never agree to that (I don't blame her!).

So she can arrange alternative care while she's working.

This is a conversation for the kids parents not your problem.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2022 09:23

No way. Don't do it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 09:24

Say no.
keep saying no.
you’ve separated and it is his responsibility to sort out with their mother.

mid you say yes you will be asked for more. Set the boundary now.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2022 09:26

Either he stays at her house (with her current partner there/ their step dad) or the current step dad looks after them. The solution isn’t you- their ex step mum.

Why would you be more “in the frame” to do it than their current step dad - you’re an ex

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