MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

I don’t think anyone should consider this until their own biological children are adults.

I am fully aware, probably more than the majority of posters on here even, of the realities of children from a care background. Furthermore who leaves their child unsupervised with their dog, never mind their foster child……? That’s so irresponsible of them.

Honestly, I agree with her. My parents were foster parents for over 50 years, and it was very challenging at times, both in terms of the children and the lack of support from social services, mountains of paperwork that would never be collected but had to be ready at a moments notice.
Teenagers especially were hard, going missing, stealing, abusive etc.

Even though I had a good childhood and was very loved, there were lots of times where I wished they didn't foster. We always had to share our parents, as the oldest I felt left out at times and my younger sibling often acted out for attention and was very jealous. I do think it's affected them especially.

I'm not blaming the children in any way, they had horrendous lives in various ways and often had a huge number of problems and trauma to deal with.

This over-emotional reaction and naïveté when an experienced poster is talking about how very young children exposed to sexual abuse and inappropriate things in the home can act out sexual behaviour, screams so strongly that you aren’t suitable for this.

These children don’t need you to argue and defend them. They need you to fully understand the reality of their lives, eyes wide open.

You are already too defensive of the imaginary foster child, based on your own trauma and background.

They aren’t abusers, you’ve misunderstood what the poster is saying. But this behaviour is common and you need to be equipped to deal with it, not get up in arms and deny it. This kind of behaviour can start so young. A 3 or 4 year old is not an abuser, but that is not what anyone is saying.

Things to consider - your birth child being exposed to inappropriate sexualised behaviours (will you never leave them alone together?). Even if you foster a baby or toddler, they can be exposed to behaviour during contact with birth family. False accusations against your husband, your child, yourself, or other peripheral family members incl. nephews/nieces. FC family members coaching FC to make certain accusations. Vulnerable FC being in contact with abusers on their phone, giving your address, or video chatting in your house, exposing your young child to abusive adults via video.

It’s not about “hating the narrative”, it’s real life. The poster who has decades of fostering experience, and gave up when her GC were young to protect them - do you think you know more than her? Why?

I absolutely don't think that all dc who are abused become abusive themselves.
However some dc who have been damaged will damage others.
This will not necessarily be a deliberate and malicious act so much as an impulsive or self-soothing one.
However it does mean that some dc are going to pose a risk to your dc and it isn't always going to be straightforward to work out which ones.
You have to factor this into your decision making.

In addition to potential physical or sexual harm there is the chaos of a highly disregulated dc in your physical and emotional space as a child.

As foster parent therapeutic parenting can look very different to more standard parenting and that can create tensions in a family setting with dc.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't foster but you do need to be realistic about the challenges and risks.

This is one of those comments you’ll look back on a laugh at if you’re ever approved to foster.

Tbh it’s something you’ll laugh at when your child gets to 7, you think anyone monitors children 24/7?

you’ll have multiple children in your home, you won’t be watching them every minute of every day.

As said, you’re unlikely to be approved they will take into account your MILs views and your background plus young child means it’s pretty much a no.

Way to blame the foster carer and misunderstand the point. Do you plan to stay awake all night when you are a foster carer? Lock the child up? It’s not possible. More naivety.

My Mum told us she was considering it a few months ago because she has three spare bedrooms and it just makes sense. I told her she was batshit to even be considering it and I’m not ashamed of that.

She had me at 21 so spent her 20s and 30s raising my brother and I, she’s only just got some independence and a life of her own back since my younger brother moved out a couple of years ago. I told her she can have her grandchildren more often if she feels something is lacking but to start fostering is just a bonkers idea.

The most recent stats for looked-after children show 79% of them are in care for neglect, abuse or “chronically inadequate parenting”. The next most common category is absent parents, which usually means unaccompanied asylum-seeker children who are usually 16 or 17 and go into semi-independent lodgings. You’re right that some disabled children have care orders but these are a very small number of the overall population of children in care and yes, normally require specialist residential care rather than foster. The overwhelming majority of looked-after children in this country have experienced adverse or harmful circumstances. Furthermore, they only go into foster if there are no suitable relatives who can care for them. This is always the first choice - partly as it’s better for children to stay with family, but also because there aren’t enough foster families.

With regards to "leaving a dog with dc" you need to understand that secretive behaviors are very normal for dc with trauma.
It would be quite straightforward for a seven year old to acquire the family pet in most houses if they we're determined to.
I have worked with families who have ended up with "nanny cams" in their houses to try and monitor and ensure safety in their houses.
Again this isn't every case but it is enough that you need to be open to managing the possibility.

This is such an odd thing to respond with op. Clearly the poster said toddlers. Which is not anywhere near saying no parent should foster.

im sorry I also agree with the others and your mil, and think you seem very naive. My friend fosters and it is not a bed of roses. It is difficult and challenging with a child in the home who just be the act of being there is truamatised, they are scared , in a strange place, with strangers and scared for parents. And that’s the ones with a good home life. Many of the little ones have had horrendous starts to life, from living in poverty to witnessing substance abuse, violence and abuse.

I think fostering is wonderful but I’d certainly not foster as a first time parent to a toddler.

Grandparents are usually fiercely over-protective so I'm not really surprised her initial reaction is one of worry for your DC.

I do think it's a bit worrying that her opinion has rattled you as much as it has. You need to be incredibly resilient to foster. You are highly likely to experience a million times worse and you will need to handle it.

I also agree with previous posters that you need to wait until your child is older
so they can understand what is going on and verbalise any issues effectively.

It's just not as simple as taking in a child in need', unfortunately.

The last part of this is not correct in my experience. Having a young child does not bar you from fostering, though it makes it likely that you would start with a baby (no bad thing as most of the horror stories on this thread involve troubled older foster children). Your own life experiences may not be a barrier either (sometimes can be a help) and the views of your relatives will be of limited relevance (though you will need a support network of some sort.)

This is from my experience of being approved as a fc with a 3 year old daughter, a wife on anti-depressants and sceptical parents. We fostered for 10 years and, alongside the way we raised our own children, it was our proudest achievement.

Having a toddler definitely will be a block for the OP, thankfully things have changed a lot since you went through the approval process. With the situation you describe you wouldn’t have been approved now.

I've worked with many foster children/teenagers over the years and was in the system and I can tell you, this is NOT easy. Many (possibly even most) are very troubled (and I use that term as politely as I can) and if you think its "just a bit of naughty behaviour" then you are going to be in for a shock. These individuals are always traumatised, neglected, treated terribly. They don't get taken away for "no reason".

That behaviour will leak into every area of your life. You may have to deal with traumatising self-injury, aggression, attachment problems, run-aways, verbal fights, passivity, eating disorders and any other number of problems. That is without the additional issues associated with drugs, gangs etc. This is the real lived experience of many foster families, it is NOT easy.

Even if the young person is an absolute dream and the model foster kid, the system damages them, often beyond repair. You must remember that if you are not adopting, they will eventually leave and each time they leave that is another attachment broken. I have huge respect for foster carers, social workers and these individual children/teenagers and at the same time I am not going to sugar coat it. Fostering/adoption is NEVER ideal and always traumatic - often for all involved.

I am not sure you can be real.

are you honestly saying that on one hand you don’t believe Foster children can hurt your child (because you don’t buy into that narrative) but on the other hand you will never leave your child or family pet alone with the foster child?

either this is all a fantasy or you are very mixed up and really not a suitable person to give a stable and understanding home to a vulnerable child.

your personal experiences also do not make you more knowledgable than the social workers and experienced foster parents who have given advice on this thread . That is an incredibly immature viewpoint.

but express these views during your assessment. See how they are received.

@Petros9

Your daughter is only 14 yet you describe her as an older teen who is proud of what your family did. I know she's lost her mum a year ago and may seem proud and wise now but there's likely some bottled up stuff to be dealt with in the future.

She's known nothing other than sharing her home with foster children, all of them traumatised, and her parents not recognising that even the babies were so.

You're also saying the OP won't have much issue getting accepted but fully admit that you were turned down on your first application because you did it due to a calling from God that you weren't actually keen on! You didn't tell the truth on your second application so that they'd accept you.

Spoken as a parent of one child 🤣🤣

Yes the calling from God really worried me - and the subsequent lying to get accepted.

the daughter probably feels pressured into saying fostering was the right thing to do. From @Petros9 posts even he was aware that divergent views would be an issue in his home: for example they avoided issues around their views on homosexuality by only
fostering young children.

I don’t think this was a home where children are allowed to be themselves, find their own voice and express their own views

Interesting.

Everyone in that thread said your daughter was too young, too, OP. Including foster parents who fostered while their children were young, and said they would do it differently knowing what they know now.

Lots of foster carers and adjacent professionals are giving up their time to share advice and experiences, and you are ignoring all of them. This doesn’t bode well at all. To be a foster carer you have to be open to listen to the experience of others and learn new things. There’s a lot of training. Sometimes the hardest thing is accepting what you don’t know.

You won’t get very far in the process with your current attitude, and I mean that kindly.

If so many experienced people are advising you against, why are you so keen to inflict the situation on your own child, and on foster children, regardless?

In ten years, your child would be older, you’d have more life experience as a parent, you’d be further along with your own therapy, and have a quiet home + more to offer to foster children.

Even outside of the context of fostering - ask any parent of a teen+ if they knew what parenting was about when their first child was 2, and they’d give a wry chuckle. You have a lot of life experience still to accrue.

I would think that MIL is hoping for a second grandchild - a lifelong sibling for her GD.

This is not what she was expecting. Your own DD is going to take a lot of your energy and she is rightly concerned about whether you will have enough time for her if you are taking on additional children.

Thanks for reading the AMA thread.

To clarify, I have an older son too. He does remember a pre-fostering time. Both children are quite balanced in their analysis of the impact of fostering on their lives. Our bereavement ended our fostering but it has not made any difference to the experience we had. I am not trying to say that there are no negatives, just to add some balance by highlighting that there are positives too. This thread is so full of negativity about fostering and its impact, as well as being unduly negative about the OP in my view.

In terms of traumatised babies, I would repeat what I said earlier in that there may have been underlying trauma but that the newborns we looked after were not complicated to care for. I am saying that fostering a baby, as the OP would probably do, is in most ways more straightforward than fostering an obviously traumatised older child. You make it sound as though we were ignorant of the circumstances when that is not a fair representation. I'm well aware of the difficulties that children in care face but I still think that fostering families are best placed to look after them. This thread would seek to put anyone off fostering and again I am trying to add some balance.

Finally, in terms of approval, I don't know whether the OP would be approved but I think she shouldn't be put off from applying. We did struggle with the calling and we had to count the cost. I would say the way we got round it in the end with social services was by minimising the religious part rather than by lying. Lots of fc are Christians and they do an amazing job.

So I think your summary of our experience is a little unfair overall. It's clearly not the popular view here, but fostering can work for families with young children, babies in care are not always difficult to look after and sometimes people should be encouraged to at least apply rather than being scared off by negative input.

Thanks.

I have a close family member who is a Foster carer, with a young dc of their own (now started school), yes she has had some troubled dc with her and some who have no issues, and have slotted into her family.
She is a very calm, kind person, and is a fantastic Foster carer, at the moment she has a small baby , she recently had a teenager for 18 months, who is back with their parents, if you feel strongly that you and your dh want to try it , then you should at least look into it.

Again, thanks for reading the AMA thread.

Looking after the vulnerable is a Biblical calling. If Christians didn't follow that call in pretty large numbers, we'd be even more short of carers. We didn't lie to get approved, but we did change the emphasis about our motivations.

My daughter doesn't say it was the right thing to do. She knows she had no choice in it and that it was difficult for her and her brother at times. She's got a balanced view of the pros and cons which she shares with anyone who is interested. I wouldn't criticise the way you have raised your children, even if I knew a lot more about their upbringing than you know about mine.

Sorry to be a little defensive.

Maybe fostering can work for families with young children, my point was really that you don't know the impact on your children yet. One is just a young teen and the other a mid-teen currently.

From your posts about struggles and difficulties faced over the years I suspect the negatives will far outweigh the positives for one or both of your biological children in the end. Something you might never even find out sadly as trauma is a tricky subject to unpick with your parents.

The OP is only recently getting extensive therapy for her own trauma, triggered by the addition of her daughter. Her MIL is entirely correct and I think that she should be put off from applying to protect her young child.