MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

Thanks for the balance. I can't say what will emerge in the future with my own children. I expect and hope that they will continue to give a balanced view of the impact. Fostering was a formative experience for both of them and they continue to have positive relationships with several children that went on to be adopted. It is clearly not for everyone but, in the right circumstances, can be an amazing role with amazing outcomes.

We fostered for many years. We never had a child with us that didn't have challenges one way or the other. Never. The issues ranged from abusing our animals, abusing other children, setting fires, breaking things (every mirror in the house

My DD grew up with one of these bogeyman kids everyone on here seems so petrified of. Her big brother is autistic, has ADHD, SPD, learning disability, Tourette's. He's all she's ever known as he was nearly four when she was born and she loves him dearly. He loves her too. In fact I'd wager she's emotionally much more switched on than a lot of her peers because of him, and when I visited her class for a parent session recently I saw her playing so nicely with the kids who clearly had ADHD/SEN, including them and encouraging them.

If anything having a child with so many 'issues' has been a very positive experience for her. She know now that everybody has something to bring to the universe, no matter what.

And I know you'll come on now and tell me how having am autistic sibling messed you up for life, and I'm sorry that was YOUR experience. But we work hard with both of our children every day to give them the best we can.

Your DD is too young, the only person I know who was allowed to foster when her children were young ( and we’re talking the youngest being 6/7) was a VERY experienced social worker, who’s DH was a GP. They had a large house, and both came from happy, stable backgrounds.
Not to say you wouldn’t be able to but with your back ground they’ll want your child to be much older.
Have you considered taking a mother and baby? They look for supportive temp homes for young mothers who need early support, and having experience there will help.
As will any kind of volunteering with children, or in a school, or work in those areas.

‘Some children needing fostering may be ‘troubled’, whereas others may not fit that label at all.’

your inexperience is showing, OP. These children are ALL ‘troubled’ for want of a better word. They’ve been separated from their parents. That’s traumatic for any child. Whether it’s because of illness, abuse, neglect or whatever

Sorry, posted too soon. The little ones were extremely needy, wanting continuous attention, plus often we had to take them to contact with their birth parents every day, which meant a drive of 40 mins to contact centre. Wait for an hour and another 40 min drive back. It's relentless. We loved it as our children were grown up so we could make it our full time, 24/7 job. But I wouldn't have done it with my own children at home

@jamoncrumpets I think you misunderstood the kind of issues that people are talking about here.
They aren't SEN, autism or Tourette's.

it must be incredibly challenging and rewarding to foster this boy. All people are doing is trying to inject some realism into this.

Children like your foster son who have been separated from their birth parents for whatever reason will be impacted by that separation. They will bring a range of additional challenges into your home that foster parents have to be prepared for.

it sounds like you fostered this little bit before you had children of your own - and it sounds like a long term placement that is working well. That is amazing.

does the boy have contact with his family? Is reunification possible? I am sure that will be upsetting for your daughter.

That’s wonderful. Have you considered that it may be an entirely different situation for a toddler to experience a succession of entirely different traumatised people with vastly different issues in and out of her life?

My kids have a sibling with SEN who has his own challenges. Not at all comparable to if I suddenly decided to foster various traumatised children who may have suffered extreme abuse a short time after finishing my own trauma therapy.

Oh no. Imagine taking abuse that happened to someone as a kid and using it against them when they go on to apply to support vulnerable children. I have been through it all to become a success in my own right. I was always open to waiting until DD is older. My problem was MIL’s outright objection to the idea and nothing to do with having to wait. I’ve been breaking barriers and tearing down walls my entire life, and I will continue to do so. Checking out now. Wish me luck.

We will wish any child who might be placed with you luck.

You have such a low chance of being approved though which is a good thing imo.

Look into secondary trauma, it’s something social workers are really hot on and with a trauma background yourself it will be even more of an uphill struggle to get approved

Nobody is ‘using it against you.’ Because it isn’t about you. At all. It’s about the children and what’s best for them. It doesn’t matter if it makes you feel sad. It doesn’t matter if it offends you. It’s all about how it will or could impact the child. Not you. Your traumatic past matters only in so far as it could possibly impact the children. Whether or not that makes you unhappy isn’t their problem.

A family member of mine fostered a 2 year old girl. They had two older girls starting at 8. Within weeks it became clear that the little girl had a huge number of issues that SS had not made clear. Including drug dependency. It ended up with the foster ending as it nearly destroyed the family. Very traumatic for everyone. This was their first and last foster and took a long while to happen.

OP I wonder where you ever diagnosed with any personality disorders as part of your therapy. You seem to have an exaggerated sense of grandeur and an inability to see things from anyone else’s perspective.

it’s not a case of adults who have been abused as children being unsuitable - it’s whether they have processed that abuse. You don’t seem to have. You are incredibly defensive and bloody minded about it.

I truly hope this thread has either been a wind up, or the system will stop you having access to vulnerable children.

You don’t seem to understand, children from a trauma background often have all that and more.

Its not just a case of additional needs and SEN, it’s violence, sexual abuse, making allegations, multiple allegations, many local authorities advise cameras all over to avoid this, marriage breakdowns are a lot more common too.

And kindly you are looking at this with rose tinted glasses, my parents think I benefited from having a brother with ASD, because I’m not a twat and hide my true feelings, it’s never easier to grow up with a child with additional needs, and honestly my life would have been a lot better had he never been born. I’d bet when your DD is older she will feel the same, it’s easy to sit there when they’re all skill kids and think nice thoughts

You’ve not read the thread at all have you?

Are you posting on the wrong thread?

No one is talking about autism or SEN. But rather the common issues which foster children experience- attachment, trauma, sexualised behaviour, violent behaviour, contact with biological families, side effects of abuse/neglect, abandonment issues, running away, etc.

Nothing to do with SEN or neurodiversity at all :s

This

OP - it's not about you. It's about the children needing foster care and your own child.

It isn't about using your past trauma against you.
It is about looking at strengths and vulnerabilities.

There are some strengths that come from having experienced trauma and worked through the experiences. Your lived experiences are valuable.

There are also significant vulnerabilities that come from a trauma background. If you can't acknowledge that then you can't work to mitigate it. That is extremely concerning when the care of vulnerable dc is being planned for.

I voted yabu as you said "yabu to be upset?"
You shouldn't be upset that your mil fiercely loves your daughter and instinctively wants to avoid any risk around her. That is natural for a grandma. If you had a dysfunctional upbringing you may not recognise this as natural and caring.
Yanbu to consider fostering but you should consider views from all the family who will inevitably end up involved - not just yourself. A functioning family know that the decision will affect and involve everyone. It doesn't mean it's the wrong decision but it's a decision with wider implications and people involved than you seem to think it has.

Maybe you’ll have a Prince just like this one placed with you OP. I’m sure you’ll know exactly how to care for him and keep him protected. Because, you know, children who have suffered abuse never go on to abuse others 🙄 so nothing to be afraid of. He’s just a great, big cuddly teddy bear…. Right?

You know foster agencies and most LA’s now expect FC’s to accept placements aged 0-18 don’t you?

metro.co.uk/2022/06/30/logan-mwangi-teen-who-helped-kill-5-year-old-unmasked-16921372/amp/

I've got the T-shirt for being abused and neglected by adoptive parents and I've re-processed different aspects of it at intervals through my life. My trauma wasn't done and dusted when I adjusted to being a mum myself and I doubt it ever will be.

What I want to say to you OP is that my APs didn't set out to abuse me - they were woefully underprepared and unsupported. I was meant to be the happy solution to their infertility but you can't pick a child off the shelf to replace what might have been. First you have to deal with might-have-been not happening and grieve for it.

If you are considering supporting traumatised DC please take your time. You need to fix your own oxygen mask before helping others and your sensitivity to your MILs reaction and defensiveness towards experienced FC suggests to me that your mask isn't working enough for you yet. I hope you get the support that you need.

That's completely wrong. People with "difficult" backgrounds can be great foster parents as they have that additional perspective, as long as they have had chance to work through any trauma etc.

Why do you say this?
OP will know if she is capable as well as the professionals assessing her and her husband.