MIL reaction to our proposal to begin fostering children. AIBU to find this upsetting?

[Happypomegranate]

We FaceTimed our in-laws on Xmas day and mentioned our intention to apply to become foster carers. This is something we have both wanted to do for years, but have been previously unable due to work commitments and living in a small flat. We’ve been very fortunate and we now live in a big house and we are financially secure enough that I don’t have to work. I still do a little bit of part time care work but can give this up to focus on fostering. MIL initially said she thought our DD was too young which is a fair point to make. We have a toddler and will not be having anymore biological children. I said we would discuss with the LA but we could wait until DD was in school if necessary but that we just wanted to get the ball rolling as we know how long these things can take. But it later became apparent that she was very against the idea of us fostering at any point in the future and I don’t believe my DD’s age has anything to do with it. She used language such as ‘it will be someone you don’t know’, ‘there could be problems’, and ‘troubled children’. We have done our research and we are aware that the children may have additional needs, mental health and/or behavioural problems, but every child in need of a foster placement is different and I feel it’s not right to stereotype. As for children that may come with challenges, I feel it would be our job as the foster parents to try and work through the challenges with the children. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want us to support vulnerable children, it’s just bizarre to me. It hurts because I had an extremely abusive childhood, struggled with mental health in my early adulthood and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I am happy, stable and resilient. I feel I could have a lot to give as a foster carer. My DH is lovely and a great dad, and I believe he’d be a fantastic foster carer but he had a drastically different upbringing from me. Think well to-do, independent school, etc. We are an unlikely but very happy pair. I thought she would be supportive but she’s actively against it and I’m not sure why it bothers me so much because it’s ultimately my and my husbands decision to apply, not hers. AIBU to be upset?

By the time we welcomed our first child my daughter had had her third birthday and the child was a newborn, so a 3 year gap. I think the recommendation is still broadly that the foster child should be at least two years younger than the family's birth children. Hence in my much longer earlier post I was focusing on the possibility of the OP fostering babies rather than the very troubled and challenging teenagers which some other posters have discussed.

I think she is far, far too young. Some placements are easier than others but they are all going to demand parenting beyond the norm. Children simply do not end up in the care system without damage. They will all have been exposed to trauma of some kind. Even babies will.bear the effects of in utero and epigenetic events. Also, you need to primarily give your daughter everything she needs.
I understand that MIL response was discouraging to you (although what possessed you to share this sensitive and emotive news on Christmas day?!). Take some time to enjoy your daughter, do your research and re-consider when everyone is older. There is a real need for foster carers but it is only fair on everyone to do it at the right time. Best wishes.

I would wait until your DD is older. I currently work with lots of children who are being fostered. If they are being fostered, they would have experienced trauma already and this is not something that is ‘fixed’ by being fostered, even if it is the most loving and wonderful home. How would you feel if a foster child was violent towards DD?

I agree. Social Workers do not consider the needs of the foster family (which includes the FC own children). All they are interested in is placing a child within a foster placement. The general rule of the foster child having to be the youngest goes out the window when an older child has come into care and the only placements they have, with a spare bed, are FC’s who, currently, have a baby in placement. The older child is then moved in, “For the night, as an emergency - just until we find a suitable long term placement. You know”. Heard it too many times. Once a FC has agreed to a foster child it’s impossible to get a SW to remove them - even when the child poses a great risk to FC or their children.

I fostered for 30 years. I was approved when my youngest was 12. I gave up when my first grandchild was born and my last placements (siblings) moved on to adoption.

Knowing what I know now and having experience of Children in the care system, together with the unrealistic expectations and no support from Children’s Services I refuse to put my young GC at risk.

Of course, not all Children in care are a threat to anyone. But lots are and the FC is given very scant info about the children they receive into their homes. There is no way of knowing whether the child you are agreeing to care for is a threat, until you’ve lived with them and learnt more about them. Then the battle to get them out begins.

There has been mention of teenagers raping FC own children on this thread. Can I just say not all Foster Children are sexual predators. Not all sexual predators are teenagers.

There has been mention of teenagers raping FC own children on this thread. Can I just say not all Foster Children are sexual predators. Not all sexual predators are teenagers.

no one has said that. Of course the large majority aren't. But it does happen and it's still a real risk that needs to be assessed because it has potential lifechanging consequences for innocent children who had no say in being thrown into the situation.

I agree it happens. I KNOW it happens. I’m just letting OP, and anyone else interested in fostering, know that it isn’t only teens who pose a risk. Sometimes, much younger children act out what they have seen. And, it’s too late, when your own children have been the victim.

I don’t think you should do it either - your child needs to be old enough to tell you whether they like the situation.
My friends parents were fostercarers - he often got stuck with children he really didn’t like or want to live with for the long term. He’s a great person but still.

One of DDs friends at Primary had a family who fostered.
He absolutely hated it - he either didn’t like the foster child and didn’t want them in his house or grew attached to them and was devastated when they left.
I remember the whole family being in bits when a 2 year old they had taken straight from the hospital after birth was removed after they asked to formally adopt her. They were refused as the authorities wanted to find a family with a similar ethnic background, despite the father being unknown. They were told the child could be removed at any time with only a few hours notice, it was heartbreaking. She ended up staying (no idea for how long as we lost touch when DD left Primary) but it was very hard for all concerned and the Foster parents stopped fostering

Sorry, the child wasn’t removed, they were just told it was going to happen but actually didn’t

Dont want to put people off FC, but my cousin was a foster carer for many years
A teenage boy was placed with her who she was told had health issues but was not a real danger
However, what she wasn’t told is that he had a number of criminal cases pending .
It was only when the police came to arrest the young man for an alleged attack on a young girl that my cousin discovered the true extent of his criminal activity
The worst thing is that she had two daughters living at home with her.
After that incident she only fostered babies or toddlers

I was an older teenager when my parents began fostering.

It came at a significant cost (not financial) to our family, especially my brother who was mid teens at the time.

My parents weren't able to parent the FC how they'd parented us - no cuddles in bed, no all piling in together on holiday, no sleepovers at nanas - and it was odd for the wider family; always an element of "treating us differently" which feels wrong but is legally necessary.

The contact arrangements (4 times a week) completely dominated our whole family's schedule and we were unable to holiday all together. Many many of our school events were missed while mum ran FC across town to see their abusive parents.

I honestly think you need to put your DD first and hold off on your dream for a while.

OP kindly, you're going to come across far more challenges then your MIL's comments with fostering. My brother and his partner are foster carers and whilst it has been incredibly rewarding it has also been exhaustingly tough. Just from your post, I wouldn't have said you have the emotional resilience to be a foster carer. You need to toughen up a bit.

Hi op, you say you are confident and resilient, yet you have not answered weather or not you started the other thread. Be confident, yes or no?
as others have said, you would not be upset about your mother in laws comments if you were as resilient as you claim.
I have fostered as a single adult with no children. I would not foster now I have a child of my own.

I'm a foster carer. My eldest daughter was 18months old when we started. My two other children were born into a fostering family. It was my step kids, who were 11 and 15 at the time who found the change hard. The babies its all theyve ever known. I love it and never looked back!!!! It's very hard work but worth every moment!!
The thing is most people will judge or have an opinion. Here are some great quotes!
Your only in it for the money.
You don't work.
If you say you love them how can you give them back.
Tell the social workers to do that ( eg Christmas shopping) as the kids aren't yours.
My favourite said to another carer while their foster child was dying in hospital. What are you doing sitting by her bed get home and look after your actual children!!!
You need to be really good at smiling while think F you in your head!!

My parents fostered when I was little. I would honestly advise against it. I found it very difficult to see my parents being a mum and dad to other children - I felt like something was being taken from me. One child was slightly older that me and that upset to the birth order changed dynamics in the family and i didn't like it.
When the children were returned to their birth family, it was traumatic for my parents who had grown to live them.
One of the children had been abused and wasn't easy to care for and this impacted on me and my brother. You don't know what risks you'll be exposing your own child to - you can't assume that all children will be safe to be around your child.
Admittedly this was the ate 70s/early 80s, but Social Services are still overworked and have so many demands placed on them that I don't think you could guarantee they'll always place 'safe' kids with you while your own is young and vulnerable.

It's a lovely thing to want to go but you owe it to your own child to put them first. I think in your shoes I'd only do care of tiny babies who need short term emergency placement.

I wonder what's up with you that this "screams" to you. There's clearly nothing she could say that would convince you she is stable and happy. She repeated it because it was, for no valid reason, questioned.

Op, by all means apply. A lot depends on your child's temperament. There are many families who foster successfully.

You could do respite care or short term care for a child who is younger than your child, if they are ok with it. You won't know until you're doing it. It might be fine, like child minding with your own child there. Or you could find your child struggles around children who are disoriented and unpredictable. You could get into a fairly cosy arrangement where a child with special needs spends a weekend with you once a month. That would probably be manageable.

An older child would be potentially hard, or any long term foster placement. Older children have no obligation to put up with a young child and they will be a powerful influence. They may say things that you would prefer your child not to hear without having any idea that it isn't within the realms of normal childhood experience. They may find your child annoying. It's difficult because any older sibling would feel the same at times, but you will probably feel protective of your child. Even if it works really well, that also backfires when they leave. Significant people coming and going is hard work to process emotionally.

I was in a family that fostered and I have fostered as an adult. As a child, I'm not sorry to have had the experience but it was very hard for one of my siblings. One foster child's relative was in prison for a heinous crime against a person we knew. Naturally the child had a different narrative about this and spoke it it often. We struggled with cognitive dissonance, hearing about this person and how wonderful they were, seeing their letters from prison stuck up on a bedroom wall in our home. It was an odd life and there was no support to help us think these things through.

Many children in foster children quite understandably need to be put first because they are in pain. Their attachment style can be exhausting. While that is a good opportunity to develop empathy, it is hard to accept that your parents are having to put another child first. And then another, and another. And there are endless appointments and visits that your child will have to fit around. I had a privileged childhood and this didn't destroy me by any means, but I'm just saying - it's not what I would want for my own children while they're small and vulnerable.

I also went through a horrendous grieving experience once when a child I really loved had to go. I missed them desperately - missed doing all the things that you do for an adored little brother. For some reason, I wasn't expecting that one to leave. I was so worried for them and I was all of ten years old. They eventually returned to our family years later, traumatized by their experiences in the interim. I felt helpless and furious and somehow responsible for it, as children do. Huge emotions for a teenager. You don't get to see fostered children again unless they've been taken into care again - it's like a death.

As an adult, I fostered before having children and now that I have my own, I cannot imagine the emotional chaos for my own children. But we do need foster families so do what's right for you.

Be aware that children who have been sexually abused may need supervision and social services may play down their history in their efforts to secure a placement. You're not always working with a system that has the resources to support you and they can drain your time and energy almost as much as the children. It's wonderful to help other children but do make sure you are your own child's advocate.

This reads badly but there are also upsides to realising your privilege and learning how to care about strangers as a way of life. I'm mentioning the negatives so you can be aware.

It’s this narrative of abusers grow up to become abusers that I hate. These kids don’t have a chance with thinking like that. Perhaps everyone should just stop at one child incase their future siblings turn out to be sexual predators?

Glad I started the thread. Lots to think about. Thank you for all the genuine responses and input, especially the folk with experience.

Thank you.

You’re unlikely to be approved with such a young child and an unsupportive MIL, the assessment process is very invasive and includes family members that will have contact with the children.

"All children who become looked after have been through abuse or sustained neglect or both"

Children can have looked after status without those things. Some children with disabilities are looked after purely because of disability. Although these children usually have needs that are too great for foster carers

You have a very rose tinted idea of fostering OP. Some children who have been abused do go on to abuse. That’s fact.

Are you saying children are not capable of abusing others? Have you closed your mind to the possibility?

If so, that is very concerning seeing as you are considering becoming a FC with a very young child. There is no guarantee you will have a baby, with no issues, placed with you. It is very unlikely that you will know anything at all about any placement, except their name, age and contact schedule for months!

You have to be prepared for all scenarios. Even disclosures against you. Not all foster children make up lies about their FC’s in an attempt to be returned to their birth parents. But some do…

Every child is different. Fostering is nothing like raising your own child.

By all means apply. There’s nothing stopping you. Don’t set your heart on it though. The assessment process is very long. No stone is left unturned… for good reason.