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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

145 replies

LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:02

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

OP posts:
Tempone · 27/12/2022 22:04

My pil have an entirelybdifferent relationship with my sil children... hugging, playful etc. I think its because they are their daughters children and the dynamic is different? Could that be the same for yours? Are they afraid of over stepping boundaries

brews · 27/12/2022 22:20

No advice to offer but wanted to say I empathise totally. I have a similar issue with my in laws, they will come to visit SIL (who lives a mile away) and will drive past our house to go spend a couple of days there and then if we are lucky they will call in for an hour on the way home 🙄. Really grinds my gears! DH is really laid back in general and would never say anything to his parents, they are a very none confrontational family and will generally sulk rather than hash things out.

Original poster
LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:22

Well that is partly correct, MIL is much closer to SIL but to the point of favouritism which hurts my husband. So although yes, it doesn’t make it any better.

OP posts:
Weath · 27/12/2022 22:24

Sounds like a different dynamic with her DD instead of her DS, and sadly that happens a lot. In a lot of cases women tend to have closer relationships with their DD, and therefore DDs kids etc. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's what I see.

I wouldn't be bothered by them bringing the kids cousins..... I also wouldn't be offended they didn't want to go for a walk, not everyone likes to go walking.

You moved out of the area 20 years ago, the SIL and their kids obviously still lived in their area until 6 years ago so presumably had the opportunity to build a better bond?

Original poster
LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:24

Yes brews! Sounds exactly the same!! Thing is, I resent my husbands lack of confrontation because I feel he’s letting our kids down.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 27/12/2022 22:28

I can't imagine something bothering me this much for this long and not once voicing what I thought about it. Have you, OP? What was their response?

allboysherebutme · 27/12/2022 22:42

I'm not saying it's right but most Mil are closer to their daughters and their children. X

Luellie · 28/12/2022 07:37

I see why you're hurt, definitely, but I agree with PP that it's natural.

My son is much closer with my mum than my in laws - it upsets me too, and I wish it were different. However, I know it's not my in-laws fault, it's mine really.

I'm much more comfortable with my mum, naturally! I don't care about her seeing me at my worst. So in the first few weeks when I was having a really hard time with feeding and I was a total wreck, it was my mum that came every day. My in-laws stayed away completely because they were being respectful by giving me space.

If my house is an utter tip (which is often!) or I'm still in my PJs at 1pm, I have no problem with my mum coming round. But when the in laws ask, I always put them off for a few hours to get things and/or myself straight. I'm sure this probably makes them feel that they have to give me warning, and that they're an imposition.

In my case, I know it's my in-laws trying to be respectful of me as the primary care giver to their grandchild. It's up to me to try and get closer and more comfortable with them, I think.

I might have missed it, but how often do you ask them over? Maybe SIL offers more invitations?

What are they like as people? For example, my in-laws are very polite and reserved, they would just never want to come over if they weren't totally sure that I'm happy with it.

Hope you figure it out x

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/12/2022 07:43

If it's hurting your dh then you need to take a big step back from the relationship for his sake. Your kids are unlikely to care one way or another.

MintJulia · 28/12/2022 07:48

I'm not sure why this is upsetting you. It is your dh's family dynamic to sort out. He doesn't seem overly concerned. You moved away 20 years ago so inevitably their relationship is stronger with sil. Do you invite them to stay with you at Easter or in the summer?

You saw them on Christmas day and boxing day. I suspect that is more than most families manage.

Do your children have a close relationship with your parents instead?

Odile13 · 28/12/2022 07:51

Sorry OP, I understand why you’re upset. I don’t think you should resent your husband for not confronting his parents though. He probably doesn’t want to have to ask for more attention from them if it isn’t given naturally.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/12/2022 07:54

Maybe you and dh could plan a trip to see them at their home to build the bonds, even if you end up renting somewhere so you don't rush it. Maybe start with the odd weekend. They perhaps don't feel that they know you as well or are as comfortable around you. What happened in the 14 years between you moving up and SIL moving? Where did you see PIL?

Overthebow · 28/12/2022 07:55

I understand why you’re upset but you moved away 20 years ago. Your SIL only moved 6 years ago so has a much closer relationship.

Original poster
LoganLillysmum · 28/12/2022 08:41

It bothers me because my children are missing out on a relationship and memories that their cousins have. How is it ok for them to never ever to have spent Christmas Eve with them and their cousins to spend every one with them? It’s quite deliberate favouritism between SIL and husband which is hurtful to everyone and I don’t find it ‘normal’ in any way to do this to your child.

OP posts:
Newuser82 · 28/12/2022 08:59

Ah I have this with my mother too, it's awful and I feel bad for my kids. I have said something but nothing has changed so it is what it is.

AuntieJoyce · 28/12/2022 09:08

What happens with your parents at Christmas? Are they giving that relationship space

pd339 · 28/12/2022 09:11

You're unreasonable to "expect" them, yes. You might hope and want it, but you can't expect.

Weath · 28/12/2022 09:12

Sorry if you've already said it but have you ever invited them to spend Christmas with you?

cptartapp · 28/12/2022 09:15

SIL and by default her DC have always been favoured over DH and our DC IME. FIL once called my nephews "ours". They are all late teens now.
It won't change.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 28/12/2022 09:17

Relationships don't happen in a vacuum op. Does your dh talk to his mum? Spend time with her?

I speak to my mum every day. My husband would happily go for months without speaking to his! As a result, I am closer to my mum and we spend more time with her. You can't just demand equality like a child, adult relationships with your parents aren't like that.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2022 09:19

So has your husband ever actually invited his parents to stay and then hosted them himself with the same effort his sister does?

LimeCheesecake · 28/12/2022 09:21

Do you invite your PIL to stay and they decline or do they get invited to your SILs and you are presuming they have asked to go to hers? Do you invite them to do things like go to the kids Christmas shows and they decline, or are you just expecting them to ask if they can? Do you suggest arranging panto trips , offer to host meet ups and get declined - or is your SIL just arranging nice things and they are joining in with what they have been invited too?

try inviting them to you next Christmas. Invite them end of September/start of October so they haven’t already accepted an invite from SIL.

Original poster
LoganLillysmum · 28/12/2022 09:34

I can ‘demand equity’ for my children though. Frankly I’m shocked that you don’t think that my children should be treated the same as their cousins!

OP posts:
Original poster
LoganLillysmum · 28/12/2022 09:36

There is LOTS more to this, including‘family holidays’ over the years which we weren’t invited to, and yes they’ve been invited to other things but they don’t interact with my kids because they have no relationship with them.

OP posts:
LunaMay · 28/12/2022 09:38

LoganLillysmum · 28/12/2022 09:36

There is LOTS more to this, including‘family holidays’ over the years which we weren’t invited to, and yes they’ve been invited to other things but they don’t interact with my kids because they have no relationship with them.

To be expected when you moved away 20 years ago, its a different dynamic. They don't owe your kids anything.