To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

[LoganLillysmum]

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

Do they turn down invitations to nativities/Sports day/Easter Sunday/Fathers Day at yours, or do they go to SIL by default?

Given that you didn't respond to posters asking how much effort your dh puts in to his relationship with his parents, compared to his sisters, it's probably safe to assume he puts no effort in.

So, yes, shit for your children, but that's on their father.

So what have you actually invited them to?

I'll echo other posters: your DH is relaxed because he knows your SIL is putting in all the work inviting them, hosting them etc etc and he never lifts a finger.

He can invite them for Christmas, surely? and he can say "but you always go to hers and never hours, that stings". My guess is: he is perfectly happy with that.

Do you have a male sibling with kids?

YADNBU
I could understand her feeling more comfortable staying at her DD's house if she's closer to her DD than your DH (and maybe has an old fashioned idea that the house is the woman's domain). BUT to so blatently favour one set of DGCs over another is horrible. It's also nasty to your DH to be so obviously the less favoured child.

My Mil is probably closer to DH's sister than to DH but still makes equal effort with all grandkids and spends equal time with DH because they're both her kids and she loves them both equally even if she's closer to her DD than her DS,

It's cruel the way your PIL exclude your children from their affections over their cousins, but the problem isn't them, it's your DH for never blowing up about it. The PIL probably don't think you and the DC care that much about seeing them because he never says anything.

I don’t think your DH blowing up on them would help one iota. What he could do is put more effort in by going to see them with your kids, by keeping in contact, updating them on their gc’s lives etc. If the relationship has been neglected for a long time, he needs to start from scratch. It’s the DHs job though, not the OP. And no, you can’t demand equality OP, you can’t demand anything. You can just facilitate and encourage.

What events/pantos/performances have you invited them to and they’ve said no to? What were their reasons?

When they are down for a week to stay at SILs, do you say, eg would you like to come and stay at ours in the 28/29th?

I can’t reply to everything, and the history is so long there’s too much to fully explain. It’s not their fathers fault at all, he is snubbed often in favour of his sister and it becomes hard to get the courage to keep asking.

The thing is, having “had enough” and “demanding equity” won’t work, will it?

What are the ages of yours and your SIL’s respective children? When SIL moved, did they already have children that the grandparents had an existing relationship with? Are your DC younger?

Then you will need to accept his decision.

I think it’s only natural that she has a better relationship with her daughters children than yours. She obviously has a closer bond with her daughter than her son.

in our family my mum has a better relationship with my children even although my brother lives closer to her , the reasons are that I make more of an effort to involve her in our family and my brother doesn’t.

my sis in laws children were closer to mil as she made more of an effort to visit and involve her in things whereas my dh doesn’t.

it could be that due to your dh never voicing his opinions to them they think you are quite happy with how things are. So unless he speaks up things won’t change.

well, OP, without the backstory it just looks like the age-old thing of their daughter has maintained the relationship, and the son hasn't.

You reap what you sow and all that. But at least you won't be on the hook for caring for them in their old age.

If you don’t ask them, they definitely won’t come. Invite them, now, to come over Easter. Suggest you want to book something that means you need to commit to it early.

What is DH’s relationship like with his sister? Can he say to her ‘I’m going to invite mum and dad to stay here at Easter, would you like to meet for an egg hunt one day, and come for Sunday lunch?’

They are closer to her than him, and that's the way he likes it, or he'd be as keen to rectify things as you are. Or you could fill in the backstory and say why this isn't true?

Relationships with in laws aren't something that can be 'made fair' and shared out like sweets, imo. You work with what you have and accept that you can't change some things.

Try to stop comparing. If you want to see them more work on that. Invite them to stay sometime in Spring. Book tickets for an event like panto.

To me boxing day at yours and breakfast today is enough but if it isnt for you then try to make it more,because you want to see them rather than because you want to see them as much as cousins.

We had this for years. They moved away yet we were the bad ones and they've never done a thing for our DCs, absolutely nothing yet fell over themselves to help DD. To be honest, they've never given a damn about their DS as long as I've known him.

This is a good point, about the cousins. Is it just you want as much time as the cousins, because otherwise it’s unfair, or do you genuinely want to see them more and having them stay with you?

Did they stay with you more before SIL moved to the area?

How though?

YANBU to feel sad or excluded if that's what's happening, but you can't actually force genuine affection from them against their will. And would you want them to show affection simply because they're under duress to do so?

It sounds like any issue is probably a result of a family dynamic that was set in motion long before you were on the scene, so there's only so much you'll be able to control here. It might be more realistic to make the most of the contact DC do have by trying to accept it (unless DH is desperately unhappy, in which case support him in dealing with his family) rather than focussing on what you feel the sister is 'getting' that you're not during each interaction.

Do you actually want to spend more time with them? Like them as people? Have a good relationship? Enjoy their company?

Because all you’ve talked about is “being fair” - but these kinds of relationships don’t work that way. They’ll naturally spend more time with people they like and get on well with, and vice versa. Some family relationships are just stronger than others, usually due to action/inaction on both sides. If the issue is your kids, work out how to protect them from it, because you can demand all you want but you can’t force them to feel and behave as you want!

I rather suspect your husband is happy with this, and just keeping quiet. He gets to sit around scrolling on his phone, not putting any effort in, and complain about how his horrid parents prioritise his sisters children. He is blameless.

Because the idea of phoning up his parents, talking to them, inviting them to his house, organising the dates, making up their beds, getting their room ready, going shopping for 6 and thinking about what they'd like for breakfast, booking and paying for panto tickets for 6, cooking Christmas dinner for 6, clearing up Christmas dinner for 6, getting everyone tea whilst they watch a film etc etc

Doesn't appeal half so much as letting his sister do all of that and then sitting back and complaining about how it's not fair on his children.

You've not responded about whether you've invited them for Christmas?

This, exactly. You want what you want and that's fair enough but at the end of the day nobody owes you a relationship with your children, or the depth of relationship that you want.

The key question is - is it your PIL who are the driving force behind what happens with their daughters family, or is it your SIL?

I understand you might not know the answer to this. But you are assuming it’s your PIL inviting themselves to hers and then planning nice trips out with just some of their grandchildren, whereas it might be your SIL is arranging her family Christmas and inviting her parents to tag along, but not you.

if you think this situation should change, that’s within your control easily - you can invite your PIL to your house to stay. You can suggest all going to the panto or a Christmas lights event and arrange tickets. If throughout the next year you plan a trip away or to a theme park or event with your dcs, you could ask your PIL if they’d like to come too. Or even better, your DH could do this.

but it does read like you want to be invited to join things someone else has done the work to arrange, and that you think your PIL should invite themselves to your house.

If you really try to be welcoming to them, then yes, I do think they should make more of an effort but I think expecting equality is unrealistic. They probably just feel more at home in their daughter’s home whereas there is often some ‘standing on ceremony’ with a DIL.