To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

[LoganLillysmum]

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

It does sound like this is about being closer and perhaps more comfortable with their daughter, but it sounds as though it is taken a bit to the extreme. Has there been any direct tension between you in the past?

I am aware that my MIL is probably close to my husband's sister's children, but, at a level of time and gifting, I don't see much difference. They helped them more when their children were small, but now they don't need that so much, everything feels much more equal, even though I don't have the easiest relationship with MiL. So I don't think the different relationship with sons and daughters can fully explain this.

Go no contact then. Don't invite them to anything

I know this doesn't help you now OP, but after two decades of similar treatment, my DC don't really have a relationship with their GPs and neither do I (other than the occasional call/lunch).

My SIL, who received free childcare, holidays, and endless support (physical and financial) is now moaning that her (relatively fit & healthy) parents are looking to her to entertain them, holiday with them and support them as they head into their old age.

SIL (as an empty nester) wants none of the caring/entertaining responsibilities for her parents as she (in her own words) finds them draining and boring and wants more free time to peruse her hobbies and holiday with her DH alone.

She has been lobbying for others to pitch in, but we've just stated we're happy with the status quo.

We were regularly rejected when we invited the PIL to holiday with us as they'd rather go with SIL, so we're quite honestly able to respond that their preference is to holiday with her/her DC. She loved that when it meant free childcare every year and us never getting any, but isn't so chuffed with that situation now her DC have grown. However, that's not our problem to resolve.

That's a very long-winded way of saying, their lack of care and attention is unfair, and it will affect your relationship with them, but it will also free you and your DC from the caring burden later in life, so in many ways it's a gift.

We have a similar situation.

This year my Mil didn’t even bother answering the phone to my DH on Christmas Day or calling him back.

If we don’t call them or go and visit I don’t think we would ever see them again. I couldn’t care less but I feel bad for my kids as my parents have both passed away.

Can’t change other people but I have two DS and when they grow up no way will I ever treat them so badly.

I expect my SIL would say exactly the same about me but I invite my DM (& DF when he was alive) to things and make arrangements... I expect it's much easier to have a relationship with your DD than DDIL & quite frankly it should by your DH facilitating the relationship not you. My DMIL is no longer alive but I fully accepted that she was closer to her DD and her DC than mine ... I wasn't jealous - it's just the way it is for lots of families. My DMIL was always friendly and welcoming but I felt a lot more comfortable with my own DPs.

What happened when DH moved away and SIL stayed? Did DH put any effort into keeping up with close contact even if just a phone call every week? Were your children born before you moved or after, and what sort of contact was there during the baby years? Lots of phone calls and baby photos?

Stop comparing yourself to SIL. Concentrate on how much did DH do, and whether he was bothered by it at the time. I bet my last penny that your DH didn't make any effort at all and probably still wouldn't if it wasn't for your dissatisfaction.

This beggars belief. I’m a Nan.. I have only ever know the love of my sons wonderful children so far. I can’t imagine for a moment that I will feel any differently about my daughters’ babies when they have them…
Surely you love them all the same…

YABU. If you were that arsed about your (future) kids having a relationship similar to their cousin's maybe you should have thought of that then?

There are 2 separate issues here

1. Physical amount of space - you have no spare space, your DSIL does. For practical reasons they will ALWAYS stay with DSIL unless you upsize. That means when they stay there, you will have to go to DSIL if you want to see them more. You will have to invite yourself around for tea 2 out of the 4 nights - you prepare one to make it easier on DSIL. You/ DH will have to instigate this as you are the party that wants to change the dynamic slightly.
2. Closeness to DM - sounds like DSIL is closer to her DM than your DH. Only he can work on this but you can encourage it.

Also you / DH could take a more active role in what PIL do when they visit your neck of the woods. Be less passive, organise stuff

The only way to get more alone time with the PIL for your DC would be to visit them more.

Myself and my sister have children. Our mother doesn’t even send a card or a text on my childrens birthdays or for Christmas and goes on a mad spending spree for my sister’s kids. I can’t change her behaviour I only have control over my own response to the situation.
The way I see it is I have great kids and they aren’t the ones missing out. My mother is the one missing out on being part of her GC lives.

You need to find a way to let it go. You can’t force the PIL to spend time with your kids and even if you could it wouldn’t be enjoyable.

My ILs are the same OP. Amazing relationship with my SIL and her 2 kids but us (me, DH and 12 yr old DC) is limited and has been for years. We don’t live too far away but my DC has seen their grandparents for a grand total of 3 times in the past year and not for lack of us trying. I’ve been so frustrated with my DH not saying anything but he finally did recently because DC said something themself.

This, really.

Does he phone daily? Visit often?
What's his relationship with his parents like? It's not about you - it's about him and his parents

Hi OP, you could have written this about my in laws!

Again, from what previous posters have said I think it's a similar thing with mothers being closer to their daughters and having a closer relationship with them and their children.

I get upset as I can see how my husband always feels like he's being left out and how our children don't see their GPs as much.

It's the favouritism that really irks me and when we do get together you can see how much the other kids get fawned over and mine don't. It hurts!

This happens in my family too. My brother is the favourite child (he even admits this) and my parents would rather spend time with him and his GF, than me their daughter, their son in law, and 2 grandchildren. This Christmas made me really see it for what it is. So decided not to invite anymore… being rejected by your own parents for years starts to really hurt.

No you are not being unreasonable and your feelings a perfectly valid.

My husband and I have had a very similar experience with my pil, sil and her children.
Yes my husband has said something and also invited, tried to include them in stuff but they usually decline or make excuses, and it falls on deaf ears so now he has chosen not to speak to them as it is hurtful and affects his mental health, but now he is the bad guy! they are still welcome round to see the kids but the visits are still few and far between, but they still have lots of time to see the other grandchildren. From my point of view it’s only kids that suffer but do they really ? If the visits are not consistent anyway what are they really missing? I would just try and distance your family and see if they notice and make extra effort? If not- stuff them!
Your kids are not missing out if the pil are not really bothered because everything will be half hearted anyway

Op why don't you and your family go and stay with his parents a few times a year? That way you can make some memories at the end of the day you are getting to spend some time over Christmas with them. If the mil is the parent of the daughter then perhaps she just feels more comfortable at her house. It may not be personal.

It sounds like they're closer to their daughter than son. They feel more comfortable visiting them. I know it's hurtful.

I’ve had the same from my own mother and my sibling is also female. The way I look at it is my kids aren’t missing out on adults who want to play favourites and set them up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate to their cousins. She is missing out from knowing my kids and the humour and joy they bring to life. You can demand equity but you’ll soon see you’ll never get it. Best to find a way to get on without them. They’ll lose more than your kids will.

Tell her how you feel OP. Yes DH should be the one to do it but if you know he never will then you might as well. Just keep it to the point and say how you've noticed a big difference, that you find it upsetting and no doubt eventually your DC will notice the difference too.

In your position I would choose low contact.
You can't make them feel a bond or closeness that they should feel towards your family.
I have made a similar choice for my own family. I can't bear that my kids will feel they are less in any way or not deserving, not special etc.
It's a terrible feeling But for all of sakes I stopped pursuing a relationship with those family members and made our own traditions/focused our lives with other family and friends.

OP said in her first post that they DO have space to host.

OP, I understand your feelings, especially with respect to your children. In your shoes, I think I would write a letter or email just explaining how it impacts your kids and ask if they have ever considered this. I suspect they haven't, and just need it gently pointed out to them. People fall into habits in relationships and may not consider how it looks to others.

This is your husbands job, not yours. Does he phone to make arrangements, take the kids up to visit them, take his kids to see his nephews and nieces? Do his parents feel that he wants them around and that they’re welcome? He needs to take the lead on this, not you. You’re the nice lady he’s married to, but he’s the one they should be having the primary relationship with in your household.

Mine do the same but I think it’s because they “buy” them with fancy gifts , meals out etc.

@Tillow4ever

I totally misread that 😫

In which case they need to invite them first and also get DH and DSIL to talk and agree about who hosts DPs next.

Sorry to put this so bluntly - is DSIL's house bigger / better suited to guests than yours?

When I stay with my whole family, it's invaribly at my DB's as he has a 5 bed house that can accommodate everyone comfortably. No one is kipping on the sofa

TBH OP's DH sounds completely passive about all of this.