To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

[LoganLillysmum]

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

And what happened? Wouldn't surprise me at all if absolutely nothing did and all he got was bs excuses!

Op it’s their daughter. What can I say. It’s different with DS and DD in most families. My PIL go to my SIL more. They also favour her kids over mine. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I have other issues with them but this one is as old as time and almost universal.

I agree but there are tons of people on here that don't seem to think you can expect anything from relationships or friendships at all and however, people treat you, you have to suck it up. I think that's really sad. Close, mutually fulfilling relationships are brilliant.

I would expect to treat my grandchildren equally and can never imagine only visiting one of my children's house and inviting one of them round to mine and not the other (unless I was only welcomed by one in which case I would have to suck that up sooner or later)

MIL acknowledged there was an issue and promised to be better. This happened only 2 weeks ago and she has been more interactive but who knows how it will pan out 🤷‍♀️ I’m just happy that DH had the courage to say something after so many years.

I completely understand this. YDNBU.

As others have said. The dynamic is different with a daughters children than a sons. This is my experience too. It’s not right but it seems a common theme.

When mil worked til 2pm sil was already in her home for her getting back. I used to take dc after school.. Sil +dc already there.. No chance my dc got a look in. Toys were theirs. No snacks or biscuits offered. Awkward feeling. Spoke to mil about maybe we could stagger visits so all dc could have quality time with dgps. Big sighs but sil was happy to agree not to be there 3 30 til 5 Mondays and Thursdays.. Was humiliating tbh. Sil flouncing out at 3 30.. Then back in at 5.

At least I could turn up with sweets for my dc.... Sil's dc slept over every single week end.. Mine never even got a biscuit..
Sil had free childcare for all of her 6 dc. As adults those dc don't even visit their dgps. All live within 10 mins walk.

OP, you haven't answered the questions about

How often you (meaning you or dh) invited them to stay at yours for Christmas?
How many times you have given them the date of your dcs' Christmas plays, concerts, sports events, etc ?
Phoned (in advance) to say "We are booking panto tickets for January, and would like to invite you - which day will suit?" ?
Invited them on days out - or even holiday ?

All that effects whether I think YABU or not.

YANBU

And I can't believe some posters think that this favouritism is okay. Your DH needs to grow a backbone and say something to them.

It’s really difficult to know how much of this is your MiL snubbing your DH and how much is her responding to your DH not putting in the same effort as SiL in developing a relationship with her, even before kids were born.

Certainly, the moving away 14 years earlier than SiL will have made for fewer opportunities and a lot more effort needed on his part.

There is a fair amount of research data on how comparatively little effort men put into maintaining relationships compared to women, especially after they get themselves a female partner. So it’s not unreasonable to wonder if this is mainly down to that. At the same time, many parents do end up playing favourites for other reasons.

The thing is, however unfair you find it, what is it you think you can and should do about it if your DH doesn’t want to do anything? You can stop putting active effort into that relationship (not unreasonable, it’s your DH’s to maintain) and let things dwindle further. You could try and insist your DH goes low on no contact and not ever go and see them when invited (unreasonable if it’s not something DH wants). But would either of those things make your or your DCs’ lives better than they currently are? Unless the favourtism is to the extent of PiL giving their other GC stuff in a way that your DC find out about and are hurt by, PiL are still a net positive for them.

Pretty much the only reasonable thing to do is to talk with them, without DC or SiL around and tackle the issue directly but kindly. Say that you are concerned they never see DC without their cousins around. That while it’s great DC get time as an extended family together, they aren’t developing great relationships with PiL because there are always the cousins who PiL know better and you’d love to arrange some time with just PiL. Don’t be at all antagonistic, don’t “call them out” on previous visits to SiL. Don’t expect this to replace their time with SiL or for things to totally even up. Just ask them if they’d consider spending time with just your family and, if so, how they’d like to do that. Maybe you could go and see them. Or get an airBnB. Or meet halfway. Maybe they’ll reject the offer, but you won’t know until you try.

If your relationship with the parents is significantly different, you can’t really treat the grandchildren the same. And it would almost certainly be unfair on your DC and yourself to pretend you could. It isn’t just the actions of the grandparents that creates and shapes their relationship with their grandchildren. How the parents interact with the grandparents has a pretty big impact too.

It’s also not unreasonable of grandparents to return the effort they have directed at them. If one of their children takes more time with them and is significantly more engaged than the other, it’s not wrong of them to lean into that.

Which isn’t to say that’s what’s happening here - OP’s DH may have put in just as much effort as his sister. I’m just countering this idea that GPs’ relationships with all their DGC must or even can be identical.

No. The trick is to only have boys. Then they all love you and you treat them all equally. Absolutely the way to go. I also notice all these "I'm NC with people are generally daughters and mums or daughters and MIL's". Very rarely the men. Hmmm.

The problem is - the OP is assuming it’s favouritism, but disappeared from the thread when asked if she /her dh had invited PIL over, if they had arranged trips out etc , which the PIL had rejected, or if it’s that the SIL does invite her parents to her house /to join her family plans, and the OP expects that invite to then be extended to them too, essentially thinks the work should all be done by someone else.

if the PIL are the driving force - they book the holidays and the panto trips, they invite themselves to SIL but not to the OPs, then that could be favouritism in play. But it’s not clear they are.

the OP hasn’t answered if she has ever invited them to stay/to join their holiday etc.

I think there’s a lot of truth in this and recognise this in my own mil dynamic. It does hurt that she clearly sees her other grandchildren more (even the ones that live overseas) but when I think about it I don’t often invite her over ‘just because’.

I'm thinking Mothers in Law can't win, they visit too often, they're wrong, don't visit enough, they're wrong

The stories I read on here from Daughters in law, I wouldn't be keen on visiting any of them

Wow guys, just wow…Amazing feedback and advice from 97% of you and just a bit of name calling, judgement, trolling and general bullying from people I don’t know. There was absolutely no way I could reply to everyone asking questions, it’s been Christmas, the kids are at home and I’m not the person who sits on their phone constantly while ignoring the children. So, after making a little effort to begin with, I have sat back and listened to what people have to say. Mostly great, some of it painfully honest and truthful. There is such a long long history here, I realise it was naive of me to think I could paint a full enough picture to get accurate advice. However, I will follow the advice and suggestions many of you have given, both the advice I wanted, and some which is harder to do. I’m really grateful for those who have been constructive and helpful. I was really cross when I wrote this, but I’m glad that I did as it’s helped me reflect on what we can do differently. I think the only thing left for me to say is that I’m shocked that some of you don’t think it’s the responsibility of the adults to maintain a healthy relationship with the children. There were quite a few comments along the lines of “the grandparents don’t owe you anything “. Wrong. I’m happy to truthfully reflect on everything but this. All adults owe it to children not to make them feel unwanted, unloved and second class - all of which these PIL do to my children and my husband. So thanks trolls, that’s one bit of advice I won’t be listening to.

just seen you’ve come back op. I think the idea that once dcs are adults, it continues to be the parents sole responsibility to maintain the relationship is a little unfair - you didn’t answer if your PIL are organising all these things with SILs family and leaving your side out, or if SIL is making Christmas /holiday plans and inviting her parents to join her. Those are very different situations. (I would say if it’s PIL arranging then they should make an effort to at least ask if you’d like to join/ try to make plans with you too. But if it’s SIL making her family plans then inviting her parents to join them, that’s rather different and raises the question should your PIL not accept invites unless they get equal ones from you/your DH.)

You could try inviting them to join your holiday or ask them early if they’d like to stay with you next Christmas (so before they have already made plans with SIL!), but I don’t get the impression you’d enjoy hosting them.

your SIL might really appreciate a break from them !

I'm not a troll and i'm not wrong. They don't have to have anything to do with their children or their grandchildren. Just as you only have to put effort into the relationships you want to. I'm not saying they can behave that way and expect your family to suck it up but it is your choice to keep making the comparisons.

Let it go and focus on something positive with your kids, is this really something they openly think about? Remove that expectation and they won't be dissapointed and bitter

It must be hurtful, seeing how it effects your DH and the fact your children don't have a relationship with your in laws

What is your relationship like with your sister in-law? Could you mention something to her? Perhaps you could suggest going to visit your in laws where they live - ensuring your children get some alone time with them.

If your children are hurt I would discuss it with you husband

If not you are complicating something for the sake of it

Nothing in life is ever exactly the way people want it, every thing in life is not always fair or how it is meant to be

You can get upset all you want, is it changing anything?