Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

145 replies

LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:02

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

OP posts:
Weath · 28/12/2022 11:12

Does your SIL visit them a lot, do lots with them? Do you all do that? Do you invite them to places when you go?

somethinsomethin · 28/12/2022 11:14

YANBU but this seems fairly normal to me. Almost everyone in my family (i.e both sets of grandparents, inlaws, and brother's family) have 1 son + 1 daughter and it's always the DDs family / kids who're closest to the parents / grandparents. For example this Xmas I spent the whole day with my mum and her mum, whereas my brother "popped in" then spent the day with his partner's mum and their family. I "popped in" to my paternal grandparents whereas my auntie and her kids were there all day.

I don't find anything abnormal about it tbh. Where is your family?

PeekAtYou · 28/12/2022 11:17

If PIL have always spent more time with their dd than ds then I would expect them to continue that pattern since humans usually behave the way that they always have. He moved away before his sister whom presumably had extra years of seeing them regularly. Did your h go back and keep in contact with updates with his life? If he did what many young adults do and not put in the effort then it would negatively affect his relationship with his parents. It is easy for young people to take it for granted that their parents are constant but it's a relationship that keeps on evolving and needs to be maintained.

It's not fair on your kids that their aunt is preferred to their father and that they are continuing that stupid rhyme about daughters being a friend for life but sons being there until he gets a wife. If your h isn't ready to say something because this is how he's lived his whole life then you should learn to accept that for him. Either accept the little attention that they offer or learn to say no to your ILs. Forcing your h to talk to them when he doesn't want to will make you the bad guy. ILs are happy with the way things are and confronting them risks his sister reducing contact too. You are not going to get the same amount of attention from them. It doesn't mean that your kids are not as great as SIL's. If your kids were SIL's kids then they'd see her lots. PILs clearly prefer SIL.

UWhatNow · 28/12/2022 11:21

Did you invite them to your DC’s Christmas plays? Do you routinely invite them to things? If not they may not want to overstep. God knows MILs get a hard enough time for merely breathing so unless they know exactly what the parameters are they might not feel comfortable just rocking up at your house etc.

ssd · 28/12/2022 11:23

Who'd have boys eh? We are consigned to the dustbin when the grandkids come along. I notice mums of girls don't mind the favouritism that usually goes along either.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2022 11:26

ssd · 28/12/2022 11:23

Who'd have boys eh? We are consigned to the dustbin when the grandkids come along. I notice mums of girls don't mind the favouritism that usually goes along either.

Only if you don't teach them to be as considerate and unselfish as girls are. There is no reason an adult son can't put on the same effort as an adult daughter. They mostly just choose not to.

Ellie1015 · 28/12/2022 11:26

If you invite them to panto/Christmas eve/Christmas show and they never come because they are going with SIL that is a bit unfair. Otherwise it is perfectly fine. Enjoy them seeing you a few times rather than having house guests for the entire period.

Battlecat98 · 28/12/2022 11:36

Interestingly it's different in my family, we all live close by, but my dm has a much closer relationship to my dB and his children and, it really is obvious. I have given up trying to have an equal share of attention for my DC. My dB is more needy apparently I am more independent 🙄.
I have bought it up but now I live with it, it still hurts but less so, my DC are more than aware of it.

No advice really apart from invite them to activities and events and if it's obvious that makes no difference, you will have to live with it.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 30/12/2022 09:18

I would think myself lucky, ha ha! I never really knew my cousins either, doesnt bother me at all.

Anyfreenamesonhere · 30/12/2022 09:19

I could be the SIL. My mum stays at ours every Christmas Eve and we visit my DB and SIL and kids for a few hours on Christmas day. My mum could be here for 7 days and see them twice. My mum attends most of my children's shows, concerts as I invite her. My brother stays 15 minutes drive away and we rarely see him or his kids. The reason being his house isn't welcoming, they don't have a drop in style, all arrangements must be made in advance at their convenience and most likely get changed last minute, again to suit them. My family don't feel welcome at theirs and after an hour or so my SIL starts hinting "Oh we're now 40 minutes over nap time" which we take as our cue to leave." My mum would love to see her other GK more but unfortunately is never invited.

Catspyjamas17 · 30/12/2022 09:26

Have you asked PIL outright why they do this? As I certainly would!

BabyFour2023 · 30/12/2022 09:26

What do they say when you invite them to all these things with you? The things they do with SIL?

Hotsweatymomspagetti · 30/12/2022 09:44

You won’t be able to change the situation and even if your DH did pluck up the courage I doubt it would change much long term.

I know it’s sucks but think of it more like it’s your PIL who are missing out. They won’t have a great relationship with your DC once they’re older and your DC will start to notice things (you won’t have to say anything).

Start doing all those things as your family unit, focus on what you can control and that’s giving your DC amazing memories with or without extended family present.

user1471538283 · 30/12/2022 09:49

I would be hurt. With my DGPs they were at pains to be equitable with all the DGC. I hope the DGP do not expect to suddenly have a relationship with their DGC later on - because that will not happen.

I would also make it very clear to your DH that when the time comes that his parents need support you will not be giving it!

User359472111111 · 30/12/2022 09:54

ssd · 28/12/2022 11:23

Who'd have boys eh? We are consigned to the dustbin when the grandkids come along. I notice mums of girls don't mind the favouritism that usually goes along either.

Sounds like in this case it’s the “boy” and his family that have been consigned to second class by the parents. Not the other way round.

whumpthereitis · 30/12/2022 09:56

You can’t demand anything though. Well, you can try, but you can’t enforce it as they don’t have to respond in the way you would like. What’s more likely to happen is them spending even less time with you all, with your kids ending up with even less of a relationship with their grandparents, in comparison to their cousins, than they do now.

Allsnotwell · 30/12/2022 09:56

It is hurtful.
GO would drive DN across country to attend his sports events - wouldn’t pick up the phone for my 3!

Waspsnbees · 30/12/2022 10:01

Were SILs kids born before they moved away 6y ago? If so, that’s a huge factor imo.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 10:06

My now ex ils practically raised sil's dc. Ours never even got a tea invite. Static caravan bought to take sil's dc away. Then holidays abroad. Ours never got a day out.
When I had dc 3 I collected dc1 and dc 2 from school when he was 6 hours old.
Ils lived in the same street as the school but never offered to pick them up.
As adults they see 1 of the dc. And oddly not even their own ds.

Pinkdelight3 · 30/12/2022 10:06

Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast.

That sounds plenty and the amount they see SIL would be way too much for me. Nor would a walk after breakfast be enticing so I wouldn't take that personally. Lots of factors going on here obviously, from you moving away 20 years ago to her being closer to SIL, but bottom line is your DC have a relationship with them and with cousins and it sounds like a decent amount, so it's the expectations and comparisons that are hurting you and will keep doing so unless you stop comparing. You can of course demand equity but it's pointless and uninsightful to do so and will hardly result in a better relationship. Their behaviour is beyond your control, so better to manage your own expectations, stop making comparisons, and focus on the positives of seeing them only a manageable amount and not having your freedom.

WhiteCatmas · 30/12/2022 10:07

If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed them Mohammed must go to the mountain.

You said your SIL lives near you. Why don’t you spend some time with your ILs there? Bring food, arrange to spend time together.

Topee · 30/12/2022 10:07

You moved away 14 years prior to SIL moving. What were those 14 years like? How was the relationship maintained?

If your SIL and PIL lived closer to each other they may well have been more involved in their lives prior to SIL moving away.

My parents moved away, my brother always felt it should be my parents that made the effort to visit him as they were the ones that chose to move.

Stunningscreamer · 30/12/2022 10:07

I feel for your DH and the obvious favouritism. It must be hard for you as well on behalf of your children. We had the same in our family but funnily enough one of the grandchildren who makes the most effort with my MiL is my lovely son!

I know it's hurtful but the only way to deal with it is to focus on your own family and don't expect your in laws to change. It's obviously a dynamic that started in your DH's childhood. Are your parents still alive?

Also, for PPs not all DiLs cut out their in laws. Mine just invited me for a day out. Hopefully because I welcome her when she stays (as I'm sure you do with your in laws OP) and because I don't interfere. I'm not competing with her mum, who's lovely, but I hope I can add to my son's and her lives.

SomePosters · 30/12/2022 10:11

My child never has and never will spend Xmas day with my ex-ils

they spend it with their other son and his kids.

different families have different dynamics.

If pil don’t feel comfortable staying at your house maybe there is a reason

either was as the one who married in it’s not your business to ‘fix’ their relationships according to your standards.

Let their relative work out how best to handle it.

You aren’t entitled to Christmas with someone who doesn’t want to spend it with you and neither are your kids.
Even if them not wanting to is hurtful to you

cafenoirbiscuit · 30/12/2022 10:11

Been there and I broke my heart to see my lovely DH and our kids sidelined. We invited them to stay but they never came. Our kids are now young adults and haven’t the energy to make the effort with my in-laws - they accept they were always second place and have made family memories with each other.

You won’t change the situation, but you can change the way you feel about it.
Thats probably not helpful, or what you hope for, but I spent way too many years wondering how I could get my in-laws to care just a little bit, all to no avail.

Swipe left for the next trending thread