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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect the in laws to spend more time with my kids?

145 replies

LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:02

So, DH and I moved out of area 20 years ago. 6 years ago my SIL, her husband and kids moved up near us. The parents in law visit fairly often and stay with them, never with us although we have room. They always spend the majority of the time without any contact with us or seeing my kids. When they do visit, it’s 95% of the time with at least one of their other grandchildren (my kids cousins) in tow. This Christmas was the final straw for me. 7 days at the SIL. 5 days without seeing us at all. They attended one of the kids Christmas shows (not either of mine), went to panto with them on Christmas Eve, basically having a lovely time. Popped over for a max of 2 hours on Xmas day , everyone came to us Boxing Day and we were invited to join them all today for breakfast. They’ve spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the other family, never with us. I invited them for a walk after breakfast today but they couldn’t manage that. I’ve had enough. AITA?

OP posts:

Schnooze · 30/12/2022 11:14

I think a conversation explaining it from your kids point of view is all you can do really.

Tigofigo · 30/12/2022 11:17

We have the same dynamic. It's upsetting. It's got better as we've made more effort though.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 30/12/2022 11:18

It’s common I’m afraid @LoganLillysmum but not right.
My sil was definitely favoured and by extension her dc.

Wait until your in-laws die and only your sil can have any jewellery because she’s a girl! And your dh will sit there passively and say nothing. Apparently my nieces were more entitled to grandma’s necklaces than my dd.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 30/12/2022 11:25

I’ve just remembered. Many years ago our dc was 4. Dsil unmarried no dc.
Dsil was living with us temporarily whilst on an assignment.
We invited pil’s for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
They declined Christmas Day because dsil had to work so just visited Boxing Day when she was off.
Certainly puts you in your place.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/12/2022 11:33

It's hurtful Op but I don't think anything you do will change it.
My mother has spent every Christmas with my sibling since I left home. I invited her every year, once in September to "get in first". The answer to that one was no, I will probably be at "sibling's".
After she turned down spending dd1's (her first grandchild) first Christmas with us, I stopped asking.

Sibling & I have children of very similar ages & it always hurt that she spent more time with them. She would always babysit my nieces & nephews happily but it was an issue and effort the few times she sat for mine. I stopped asking.

She was usually lovely to my kids when we visited her. But it would have been nice if she'd wanted to come to us.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/12/2022 11:45

OP, the relationship they have with their grandchildren stems from the relationship with their own children. In the 20 years since you both moved away, they as your DH close to his parents? Visit, invite them to stay etc?

Your in-laws are clearly an integral part of your SIL’s life, and very important to her children because they see each other a lot.

These relationships are organic, not transactional.

It’s not “We went to GC1’s concert, we must go to GC4’s concert.” Rather it’s “we were asked to stay and go to GC1’s concert so we went.”

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 30/12/2022 11:48

Worth pointing out that I am the daughter, but my DM is closer to my brother’s children. This is natural as he lives around the corner from them and we’re 2 hours away.

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love mine and have a great relationship with them. It’s not a competition.

katepilar · 30/12/2022 11:49

I find it weird and perhaps childish to expect your in-laws to treat both sets of grandchildren the same. IMO you should concentrate on your family's relationship with your in-laws and leave the SIL's family out of that.

Charl3y · 30/12/2022 11:50

You know at first I totally thought you were not being unreasonable but then as I started reading your comments and tone, I actually now believe you’re expecting too much.

Firstly, You moved away 20 years ago and SIL 6 years ago. That’s 14 years the SIL has being closer to PIL and generally daughters are closer to their mother.

Secondly, you give excuses and no proper justification for DH’s poor relationship with his mother except “favouritism”. Does DH put in work to his relationship with his mother? If he refuses to address the issue then I’m afraid you have no jurisdiction as it’s clear there’s no plan to remedy the situation.

Finally, your tone. After reading comments where you don’t like the answer your tone comes across as entitled. You asked for judgement and we gave it. If you don’t like it, don’t ask.

GlitteryShinyShit · 30/12/2022 11:57

allboysherebutme · 27/12/2022 22:42

I'm not saying it's right but most Mil are closer to their daughters and their children. X

Not true for me (boys worth more in my family). @LoganLillysmum same situation as you, could have written post.

I've left them to it and literally have to be so thick skinned about it. I can't change them but I can change how I react. It's hard yes but then it's not the biggest problem in my life (more annoying).

I focus on my little family instead.

LakieLady · 30/12/2022 12:04

LoganLillysmum · 28/12/2022 08:41

It bothers me because my children are missing out on a relationship and memories that their cousins have. How is it ok for them to never ever to have spent Christmas Eve with them and their cousins to spend every one with them? It’s quite deliberate favouritism between SIL and husband which is hurtful to everyone and I don’t find it ‘normal’ in any way to do this to your child.

My MIL has had a much closer relationship with her DDs than with her DSs, even when BIL and his wife lived next door to her.

Now all the DGCs are teens and adults, she is really close to that BIL's daughters, and less so with her DD2's kids. She's not close to my DSS, either, but that's because he's frankly a bit of a shit, and she's very close to his ex and to her great-GD. I also think the dynamics changed a lot when her husband died, and again when her DSs got divorced. She didn't get on with either of their previous partners, both of whom were abusive in different ways.

These relationships change over time, so I wouldn't get over-invested in how things are now.

However, if your DH feels marginalised by all this, it's really up to him to raise it with them. If he was close to his DF growing up, he could perhaps speak to him about it.

In the end though, it may be that your SIL is the golden child, and you'll just have to lump it. Concentrate on your DC's relationship with your own DPs.

alwayscheery · 30/12/2022 16:36

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2022 10:34

I rather suspect your husband is happy with this, and just keeping quiet. He gets to sit around scrolling on his phone, not putting any effort in, and complain about how his horrid parents prioritise his sisters children. He is blameless.

Because the idea of phoning up his parents, talking to them, inviting them to his house, organising the dates, making up their beds, getting their room ready, going shopping for 6 and thinking about what they'd like for breakfast, booking and paying for panto tickets for 6, cooking Christmas dinner for 6, clearing up Christmas dinner for 6, getting everyone tea whilst they watch a film etc etc

Doesn't appeal half so much as letting his sister do all of that and then sitting back and complaining about how it's not fair on his children.

This

autienotnaughty · 30/12/2022 20:02

Yep same here!! Mil is wonderful to sil, bil and dn. Spends loads of time with them and does lots of activities with dn. totally different with our ds and with us. I've tried to do more with them but it never happens. I just try to accept we are second best.

Frenzi101 · 30/12/2022 20:14

My SIL and family live in New Zealand. DH and I live 5 minutes drive from his parents. When the children were younger they actually saw SIL and family in NZ more than they saw/spoke to us.

PennyRa · 30/12/2022 20:41

Different child, different circumstances, different relationship, that's all. Just pay it no mind

cptartapp · 31/12/2022 08:40

whatstheteamarie · 30/12/2022 10:15

I know this doesn't help you now OP, but after two decades of similar treatment, my DC don't really have a relationship with their GPs and neither do I (other than the occasional call/lunch).

My SIL, who received free childcare, holidays, and endless support (physical and financial) is now moaning that her (relatively fit & healthy) parents are looking to her to entertain them, holiday with them and support them as they head into their old age.

SIL (as an empty nester) wants none of the caring/entertaining responsibilities for her parents as she (in her own words) finds them draining and boring and wants more free time to peruse her hobbies and holiday with her DH alone.

She has been lobbying for others to pitch in, but we've just stated we're happy with the status quo.

We were regularly rejected when we invited the PIL to holiday with us as they'd rather go with SIL, so we're quite honestly able to respond that their preference is to holiday with her/her DC. She loved that when it meant free childcare every year and us never getting any, but isn't so chuffed with that situation now her DC have grown. However, that's not our problem to resolve.

That's a very long-winded way of saying, their lack of care and attention is unfair, and it will affect your relationship with them, but it will also free you and your DC from the caring burden later in life, so in many ways it's a gift.

This.
SIL lives next door to PIL and benefitted from massive amounts of free childcare on tap and practical help over the years. All her wedding paid for and a £10k house deposit whilst DH got nothing. I always said to him she'll be so beholden.
Twenty years on and PIL are frail and looking for help. SIL thinks the load should be split. We are an hour away. No chance.
All those thousands we spent on nursery, childminders and after school club worth every penny.
And PIL can easily afford to buy in care but that's another story

Silverd83 · 31/12/2022 09:50

My PiL are very much the same, had both of my neices when they were little so the only went in to nursery for 30 free hours, but couldn't help us as by the time our son was born they were doing both school runs 5 days a week so we had to pay for full time nursery and after school club (my family don't like locally) which I don't grudge but do resent as we are often made to feel like the black sheep or have to listen about how much money my SiL has.

Things came to a head last year for an unrelated issue and my husband told them he felt second best. Once things had calmed down slightly I had this out with MiL more so as they were dismissing his feelings but I genuinely don't think she had ever realised the difference they had made between the two families and things have been much better ever since. They still do more for and spend more time with SiL and this wont change but they have been more available to my son. Maybe you could tell them how you feel?

mynamesnotMa · 31/12/2022 10:04

Do your kids care? It probably bothers you far more than them.
In a few years they wont want to be hanging with grand parents and it's too late now if they have been distant when they were young.
Just focus on yourselves and your friends you will have far more fun than pleasing grand parents..

Stopclutchingpearls · 31/12/2022 16:30

After reading so many mumsnet posts why is it no one tells the truth any more? I mean how hard is it for you to actually tell the parents in law how you feel why are people so diplomatic all the time. This is prob why I don’t have family or friends to a greater deal because I say what I think and why not
its annoying you they might not realise that. You want more involvement etc you need to talk to them

Cruisebabe1 · 31/12/2022 16:31

LoganLillysmum · 27/12/2022 22:24

Yes brews! Sounds exactly the same!! Thing is, I resent my husbands lack of confrontation because I feel he’s letting our kids down.

He is

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 16:37

Maybe they read all the threads on mumsnet from women who hate that their in laws have come to visits and have thought “don’t want that to be us” so they stay with their daughter.

Naddd · 01/01/2023 16:59

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 28/12/2022 09:17

Relationships don't happen in a vacuum op. Does your dh talk to his mum? Spend time with her?

I speak to my mum every day. My husband would happily go for months without speaking to his! As a result, I am closer to my mum and we spend more time with her. You can't just demand equality like a child, adult relationships with your parents aren't like that.

Maybe so.

However you treat the grandkids the same

Naddd · 01/01/2023 17:02

katepilar · 30/12/2022 11:49

Childish to expect grand children to be treated the same?

Really? That's childish?

Naddd · 01/01/2023 17:06

Foodieasfuck · 30/12/2022 10:22

This beggars belief. I’m a Nan.. I have only ever know the love of my sons wonderful children so far. I can’t imagine for a moment that I will feel any differently about my daughters’ babies when they have them…
Surely you love them all the same…

Exactly!!

The number of people telling op she's wrong is ridiculous! You treat your grandkids the same.
These same people will wonder y some of their grandkids don't want to know them.

Naddd · 01/01/2023 17:07

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 30/12/2022 10:29

YABU. If you were that arsed about your (future) kids having a relationship similar to their cousin's maybe you should have thought of that then?

Did you even read the post?

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