Sons girlfriends comments

[OnPurpleHill]

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

I find it actually kind of disgusting tha the generation who benefitted from cheap housing and got on the property ladder relatively easily, seem to find such great pleasure in bashing their children and their partners who don't have the same opportunity, and when they do offer to help or open their homes it comes with controlling strings and expectations. If Dil works and mil was a sahm like many of these people that find drama in nothing, as op has, I'd find that extra galling.

It's overwhelming not having your own home and can feel quite shameful even though for this generation it's no fault of their own. It's normal to find a busy house full of strangers a bit much. Unless she's telling them to piss off fuvkers, it's not rude.

Give it ten years and you'll have a mil thread about how lonely you are.

Get a feeling you don't like son's girlfriend and you're irritated that you're helping her out aswell.

I know where she's coming from as I need my quiet space and hate lots of noise/people, but as my grandma used to say - beggars can't be choosers. It is your house.

Maybe you should make jokey comments about needing a quiet house.

Oh that last line says it all. You don't like her though, do you.

I've only read a it of this thread, but what hit me from reading your original post is that you really dislike your son's girlfriend.
I'm sure if I got the vibes just from reading that, then she is getting them loud and clear while living with you.
I am assuming she feels awkward and out of place when your other children are there (she can no doubt sense that you don't really want her there as t is very clear that you resent her being there).
That's probably why she feels the way she does.

@MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay , not acceptable to have a cheap dig at sahm, who are as entitled as anyone else to set expectations for what goes on in their own house! We aren't a sub category of human, with fewer rights!
I would argue that letting your child's partner move in rent free is actually one of the least controlling things a parent can do - we are letting them keep all their money, not profiting financially from their presence, putting up with their mess and the house being a bit too full, in recognition that it's hard and expensive to buy a house.

Not everyone in the parents' age bracket has bought houses when cheap. And they haven't always been easy to buy, either. I remember interest rates being sky high, repossessions, only being able to borrow 3x salary, salaries being lower - the past wasn't all rosy you know. Today's parents are still paying off mortgages, putting kids through university and in housing them, trying our best to still help our kids when we don't have the ££££ to give them a deposit.

Id say how would you feel if I said the following

"jokingly"

now you know how it feels to have a house with visitors, can't wait till we get the house back to ourselves and run through the rooms naked again wink wink joke joke

would you find yourself being sensitive if I said that on repeat?

It’s very easy to say, ‘This is my family, and I love having them home to stay’. I don’t think you need to say any more than that.

Not a dig at stay at home mums. I am one.
It's a dig at hypocrisy.
I'm not saying it was all roses in the past. But the fact is that many of that generation seem to like using that it's harder today(and it is, in measurable terms) as a stick to beat their children and their partners with.

No they don't. At least not any that I know. Okay, you get the odd twatty 'journalist' saying that kids could buy houses if they weren't wasting money on avocado on toast, but I've not heard any parents attack their kids for not being able to get their own home.

But I do think that if parents are inconveniencing themselves by housing adult children's partners, it's not unreasonable to expect those partners to respect the house and the family.
Maybe the girlfriend's comment is harmlessly meant, and she just feels comfortable enough to say she's overwhelmed. But to the OP, it feels loaded and maybe she is struggling too - it's not always easy to have other people, who aren't your kids, living with you. Especially if you feel they are making your other kids feel unwelcome.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

Yes what a self sacrificing kind mil.

There's plenty of evidence of that entitled boomer attitude on this thread. Hence why I made that comment.

Well, it's not her house. I would agree that if you let someone move in, then you have to genuinely commit to them being there, and do your best to make them feel comfortable. But, the person staying has to make equal efforts not to take the piss - to not complain about the hosts other children, tidy up after themselves and generally not make it hard for the hosts to have them there. Particularly if they are getting to live there with no bills - very few people have the opportunity to save for a deposit and not have any of their money lost on rent etc.

No evidence she's not tidying up after herself unless I've missed something.
No evidence she's being rude.

She is finding the house busy it's hardly rude.

You sound really nice but I think you've fundamentally missed the difference for your son's generation here.
Houses are so unobtainable for young people and cost of living is so high. You probably didn't need to live with in laws to save for a deposit and feel you are doing a big favour for her here. The reality is your generation has significantly profited from high house prices, free uni etc. While young people today are in debt and have no choice but to live with in laws. Recognize this and be supportive - it's the least you can do. Stop feeling you are doing a favour to them and see it as a duty.

@LemonBounce

a “duty” even for young people that you aren’t related??!

@MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay , I was being general about the tidy mess, just saying that there are basic things people living with others need to do.

I think the OP is being supportive - no one is obliged to house their children's partner. Her own child yes, but not someone else's. I agree that the comment isn't rude in isolation and could genuinely be the gf feeling safe enough to say she's feeling overwhelmed. But it depends on the frequency this is being said and if the gf and DS are doing other things to make the other kids feel unwelcome, to tip it into rudeness.
I do also think there was some unnecessarily hostile responses to the gf upthread.

Sounds like she is getting very comfortable at your house!

I don’t know how old she is but maybe she’s not old enough to know when to smile and keep her mouth shut. Young people often blurt things out.
may be say “ Well, I won’t be glad when they’ve all gone. They are my family and I miss them.”

The cowardly OP seems to have done a runner but I think it's safe to say she just doesn't like the GF rather than having a particular problem with her jokey observation.

Duty to her son in particular - unless you think young people should also have to live apart from their partners in order to save for a house?
Good luck to her son trying to buy a home on his own as well!

If the OP allows people she doesn’t like to live rent free in her home…. Then I’d like to be friends with her

'joke ' back that it's a good job for her you're not someone who needs an empty house!

i don’t see myself as having a “duty” to anyone other than my children.

For their partners, it’s not a duty. It’s a favour / an offer / a gesture

I think what she said was fine, as having lots of people around when you're an introvert is tough.

However I think you ought to put some kind of timescale on the free lodgings.

Presumably it's not open-ended with them being there for years?

Are they actively and openly talking about how much they save each month and how long it will take to get a deposit?

Do they have a price- band in mind for a property?

I don't know if you are feeding them (for free) too, but I don't agree with kids living at home as adults and contributing nothing.

Even a token amount each month makes them feel some responsibility.

What about her parents? Where are they in all of this?
They've shelved their responsibility if she is being looked after solely by you.

When I was young, I couldn't live with my boyfriend at my parents house, nor would I have felt that I had the right to. It's a nice thing to do, if you have space and can manage it, but no parent is obligated to share their house with their children's partners.