Sons girlfriends comments

[OnPurpleHill]

My children have came back from the cities they live for Christmas/New Year as they always do. However my sons girlfriend who lives with us, as they’re saving up for a house, keeps making comments about how busy the house is and how she can’t wait till after new year till things are quiet again.

In her defence she’s saying these comments in a joking sort of way, however I’m absolutely furious. Firstly, I don’t get to see my children that often and I cherish Christmas so much more since they’ve moved out and come back for the holidays I don’t like the idea that they’re an inconvenience.

Secondly, it’s not even her house, if anyone doesn’t have a claim to this house it’s her. AIBU?

I quite agree. If this was my MIL I'd keep limited contact with her.

@StreamingCervix

That is of course assuming she has other family she can stay with.
Typical assumptions being made that everyone fits into your world view.

Just make a few pointed remarks at her so she stops 'joking'. Usually shuts people up.

Chill out. It's Christmas. You could write what's happening here.

She's living in you house and head, rent free.

Think you're massively over thinking it... I doubt it was a personal attack.

When the son's girlfriend is living there rent-free yet still has no clue as to appropriate behaviour whilst a guest in someone else's home? OP's point is exactly right: it's not her house. Nor is it her family. She's there on others' generosity. If she finds things in her free accommodation are not to her liking then perhaps her own family would be more to her taste until the house returns to quietness; a matter of days or weeks at most (unlike the OP's commitment to house her until they've saved for a deposit).

In the circumstances, 'furious' isn't what I'd describe as an OTT reaction. Her sheer entitlement and repeated show of ill-manners are certainly not the way I was raised to behave under someone else's roof. But I'd recommend proceeding with caution. This is sometimes how the rot sets in with relationships between sons and their family of origin, and I would try not to alienate her if I could help it.

Is there an end-game to their moving out? If not, I'd start to make prompts to son (not his DP) about moving toward that goal.

OP: I entirely comprehend your feelings. You are not being at all unreasonable.

Let it go !
Shes probably overwhelmed (I would feel like this too).
Maybe she’s feeling a bit of an ‘outsider’ and it’s her clumsy attempt at ‘touching base’ with you and re-bonding - maybe !

Yes, there's a big difference between quietly telling OP and making guests feel unwanted in OP's house

She's been a bit tactless but you can't expect her to feel as you do about your DC, excepting the one she's with, they are little more than ransomers in her life.

`randomers' not ransomers.

Wow some of the comments on this thread are extreme. Someone actually posted ‘rude little cunt’.

OP She might be expressing her preference because she is overwhelmed (like some commentators have said), or because she is experiencing a full-on family Christmas that maybe she never got and it makes her sad, or maybe she never had a mum excited to see her, as you are to see your kids, but instead of being able to articulate that sadness it feels more like discomfort etc etc. If people behave in ways that seem off or odd, maybe mentallly offering a moment of grace to see if there is anything beneath what they say that might give context to the behaviour is a good thing to do. However the comments on mumsnet over Xmas I have to say are some of the most angry takes I’ve seen, which seems to say that there are a lot of hurting people out there, willing to hurt others because of it.

If not, were it pointed out to the son's partner how her comments are being received by the woman who is kind enough to subsidize this stage of her life, she would naturally be mortified. She would offer a heartfelt apology with a clear reassurance not to repeat the offending behaviour.

IMO the least she needs is an understanding of what is and isn't okay behaviour when under someone else's roof. Sounds like she is long overdue a lesson in basic manners.

It strikes me that she wants reassurance over something - that the others will eventually leave (and when); what a future life will look like with your son; and how dependent she is, and has lately become, on him and you.

Right now, what is she doing?

Absolutely this.

I would pull your son aside and suggest she heads home for a while as she is clearly overwhelmed and you don't want her comments to make his siblings, whose home it actually IS to take her comments the wrong way, as YOU are thrilled to have them.

I would also loudly remark how much you love having them home.....on a loop.

She is spectacularly lacking in self awareness, so it needs to be made clear.

Personally I think she has gotten far too comfortable.

She doesn't get to be overwhelmed in her boyfriends home and express to his siblings she's looking forward to them leaving again.

I think she is very rude and it's probably manners are preventing your other children putting her in her place.

Yes of course, because this is now a stage of life where it's so easy to go out and rent.
From the sounds of things the couple are saving a deposit to buy a house quite a sensible thing to do and I suspect would consider the OP's part in this when choosing to settle.

The alternate is of course to follow the example of the other children, move off to other cities or even Countries and ditch OP.

By the sounds of things there are a lot of people who are going to be pretty lonely when it gets to the stage where they need to be cared for due to teaching "life lessons" over what is and isn't appropriate.

The OP has gone quiet so pointless going on and on.

This is good advice. I would put both to work. Your son and his girlfriend are taking advantage of you and she is complaining on top of it. Tell your son they need to find a place to rent by the end of March. That gives them three months. In the meantime, charge some kind of rent and put them to work cleaning, washing dishes, trash etc. That will spur them to finally take responsibility for themselves, they are adults. I don’t blame you for being furious. You look forward all year to welcoming all of your children home for Christmas and the girlfriend taking advantage of your home full time makes constant jokes of wanting your family in a short visit to hurry and leave the house to her again. She’s not really joking is she? Your one son needs to finally move out and take her with him. Stop letting him bring girlfriends to take over your house.

The last time the OP said anything was around 2pm today.

Have you told your son this???
Do they both work?

@StreamingCervix "Oh dear.
how long do you expect your son and his girlfriend will be living with you for while they save? Are they paying rent?"

What is the matter with you people?

The hostility to even the slightest problem is astounding here. What if they aren't paying rent? Should that mean the girlfriend can't have an opinion? What would you do? Kick them out? Give it a rest.

I don’t think OP sounds like she doesn’t like her. She sounds like someone who doesn’t want a non-family member who has ended up living there, complaining when her actual family members; children no less, come home for Christmas.

YANBU OP.
I would say something for sure along the lines of ‘one day when your children come back him for Christmas, you won’t be wishing for a quiet house’ or something similar.

If she stills makes comments, be more direct and tell her she is free to go elsewhere whilst you enjoy being with your family in your home.

Well she won't be enjoying being with her family in her home because the other children don't visit often. Can't people read??

I didn't have children so that I could be cared for in my old age. That is not their responsibility.

As for life lessons over what is and isn't appropriate, I'd have hoped that, like most people who want their children to get on in the world and be able to communicate and interact with others effectively, I'd have taught them those lessons in their childhood.